,  KENTUCKY. 


M  T.  POIiTKH  ESQ. 

WITH  ORIGINAL  ILLUSTRA.iUNS  BY  DARLEY 


esu.,, 

vv    -  -fr/ 

V      *VV(ii(loH*    Y 


"  He  walked  to  the  fire  and  threw  it  in,  remarking,  'Eternally my  soul ! 

(his  favorite  oath,)  Gentlemen,  if  I  don't  think  we  have  lived 
long  enough!"' — Page  105. 


A    QUARTER    RACE    IN    KENTUCKY, 
AND    OTHER   TALES. 


"  A  rough  hewn  fellow,  who  cither  was,  or  pretended  to  be  drunk,  wa 

bantering  to  run  his  mare  against  any  horse  that  had  ploughed 

as  much  that  season." — Page  14. 

EDITED    BY    W.    T.    PORTEB,    ESQ.,    OF    THE    X.    Y.    SPIRIT    OP    THE    TIMES. 


PHILADELPHIA: 
T.  B.  PETERSON,  No.  306  CHESTNUT  STREET. 


QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY, 


OTHER  SKETCHES, 


rLLUSTRATIVB   OV 


SCENES,  CHARACTERS,  AND  INCIDENTS, 


THROUGHOUT 


"THE  UNIVERSAL  YANKEE  NATION." 


EDITED    BY 


WILLIAM  T.  PORTER, 

BxrroR  OF  "THS  SPIKIT  OF  THE  TIMES,"  "BIG  BEAR  OF  ARKANSAS,  AH» 

OTHER    TALES,"   ETC. 


WITH    ILLUSTRATIONS    BY    DARLEY. 


T.  ^.    PETERSON    AND    BROTHERS, 
306    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S4G,  by 
CAREY  &  HART, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  in  and  for  tha 
Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1854,  by 
T.  B.  PETERSON, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  in  and  for  tin 
Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania. 


COLLINS,     PRINTER. 


INTRODUCTION. 


THE  great  degree  of  favour  with  which  a  scnes  of 
Sketches,  similar  to  those  embraced  in  the  present 
volume,  was  received  by  the  public  and  the  press  last 
year,  has  induced  the  publishers  to  add  another  volume 
of  the  same  character  and  style  to  their  "  LIBRARY  OF 
AMERICAN  HUMOROUS  WRITERS." 

As  "  The  Big  Bear  of  Arkansas,  and  Other  Tales," 
which  were  more  especially  intended  to  illustrate  cha 
racter  and  incident  in  the  south  and  south-west,  appear 
to  have  been  unusually  popular,  the  Editor  trusts  that 
the  present  volume,  which  includes  a  wider  range  of 
the  peculiarities  and  characteristics  of  "  the  Universal 
Yankee  Nation,"  will  not  be  deemed  less  entertaining 
by  the  public  generally. 

The  different  Sketches  in  this  volume  have  nearly 
all  appeared  in  the  columns  of  the  New  York  "  Spirit 

5 


6  INTRODUCTION. 

of  the  Times,"  where  most  of  them  were  published 
originally.  If  they  afford  as  much  satisfaction  in  their 
present  shape  as  when  first  given  to  the  world,  the 
Editor  will  enjoy  the  consciousness  of  having  been  the 
means  of  alleviating  the  dulness  and  ennui  of  many  a 
weary  hour,  and  of  having  added  his  mite  in  contribut 
ing  to  the  amusement  and  gratification  of  "  the  million." 

WM.  T.  PORTER. 

Qffiae  qf  the  "  Spirit  qf  the  Timet," 
Hew  York,  Oct.  1846. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

A   QUARTER   RACE    IN   KENTUCKY -~ 13 

A  SHARK    STORY 26 

LANTY  OLIPHANT  IN  COURT 38 

BILL   MORSE  ON  THE    CITY  TAXES , 41 

ANCE  VEASY'S  FIGHT  WITH    REUB.   SESSIONS 43 

THE  FASTEST  FUNERAL   ON   RECORD 47 

GOING  TO  BED  BEFORE   A  YOUNG   LADY 52 

A   MILLERITE    MIRACLE 60 

OLD  SINGLETIRE - 64 

"RUNNING  A  SAW"  ON  A  FRENCH  GENTLEMAN 63 

BREAKING  A  BANK 74 

TAKING  THE  CENSUS--. ~..~~. 80 

DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC 82 

"FALLING  OFF  A   LOG,"   IN   A  GAME  OF   "SEVEN-UP" 91 

THE  "WERRY  FAST  CRAB" 96 

"FRENCH  WITHOUT  A  MASTER" 89 

A   ROLLICKING  DRAGOON    OFFICER -  103 

THE  GEORGIA  MAJOR  IN  COURT 107 

UNCLE  BILLY  BROWN— "GLORIOUS" ~. 110 

7 


8  CONTENTS. 

MM 
OLD  TUTTLE'S  LAST  QUARTER  RACE -~    117 

BILL  DEAN,  THE  TEXAN  RANGER ~~  122 

THE  STEAMBOAT  CAPTAIN  WHO  WAS  AVERSE  TO   RACING  125 

BOB  HERRING,  THE  ARKANSAS  BEAR  HUNTER 130 

McALPIN'S  TRIP  TO  CHARLESTON 148 

INDIA  RUBBER  PILLS - —  151 

A  MURDER  CASE  IN  MISSISSIPPI 1S4 

KICKING  A  YANKEE 161 

A  "  DOWN-EAST"— ORIGINAL - ~ 105 

"SOMEBODY  IN  MY  BED" 168 

A  DAY  AT  SOL.  SLICE'S ~ - 178 

CUPPING  ON  THE   STERNUM 184 

A  BEAR  STORY ~~.  188 

PLAYING  "POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS - 197 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

BY  A  NORTH  ALABAMIAK. 

The  following  inimitable  story,  perhaps  the  most  humorous  of 
its  kind  in  the  language,  was  originally  published  in  the  N.  Y. 
"  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  in  1836 ;  since  that  period  the  unceas 
ing  demand  for  copies  of  it  has  rendered  its  re-publication  ne 
cessary  several  times.  It  was  written  by  a  country  gentleman 
of  North  Alabama,  the  author  of  "Jones's  Fight."  It  is  a 
matter  of  infinite  regret  that  he  cannot  be  induced  to  write  more 
frequently  ;  his  friends  would  be  "  after  him  with  a  sharp 
stick,"  were  we  to  disclose  his  name,  which  is  familiar  to  tens 
of  thousands  of  his  countrymen,  if  they  only  knew  it. 

NOTHING  would  start  against  the  Old  Mare  ;  and  after 
more  formal  preparation  in  making  weight  and  posting 
judges  than  is  customary  when  there  is  a  contest,  "  the 
sateful  old  kritter"  went  off  crippling  as  if  she  was  not 
fit  to  run  for  sour  cider,  and  any  thing  could  take  the 
shine  out  of  her  that  had  the  audacity  to  try  it.  The 
muster  at  the  stand  was  slim,  it  having  been  understood 
up  town,  that  as  to  sport  to-day  the  races  would  prove 
a  water-haul.  I  missed  all  that  class  of  old  and  young 
gentlemen  who  annoy  owners,  trainers,  and  riders, 
particularly  if  they  observe  they  are  much  engaged, 
with  questions  that  should  not  be  asked,  and  either 
can't  or  should  not  be  answered.  The  business  folks 
and  men  of  gumption  were  generally  on  the  grit,  and 
much  of  the  chaff  certainly  had  been  blown  off. 

A  walk  or  gallop  over  is  a  slow  affair ;  and  without 

13 


14        A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

being  in  any  way  able  to  account  for  it,  it  seemed  to 
be  an  extremely  dry  affair ;  for  while  the  four  mile  was 
being  done  (as  the  prigs  have  it]  I  noticed  many  a  centaur 
of  a  fellow  force  his  skeary  nag  up  to  the  opening  in  the 
little  clapboard  shanty,  and  shout  out  impatiently — 
«  Colonel,  let  us  have  some  of  your  byled  corn — pour  me 
out  a  buck  load — there — never  mind  about  the  water, 
I  drank  a  heap  of  it  yesterday,"  and  then  wheel  off  to 
the  crowd  as  if  intent  on  something. 

The  race,  like  all  things,  had  an  end  ,  and  I  had 
some  idea,  in  imitation  of  Sardanapalus,  "  all  in  one  day 
to  see  the  race,  then  go  home,  eat,  drink,  and  be  merry, 
for  all  the  rest  was  not  worth  a  fillip,"  when  I  met  Dan. 
He  knows  a  little,  finds  out  a  little,  and  guesses  the 
rest,  and,  of  course,  is  prime  authority.  I  inquired  if 
the  hunt  was  up.  «  Oh,  no,  just  hold  on  a  while,  and 
there  will  be  as  bursting  a  quarter  race  as  ever  was  read 
of,  and  I  will  give  it  'em,  so  you  can  make  expenses." 
I  always  make  a  hand  when  about,  and  thinking  I  might 
get  a  wrinkle  by  prying  into  the  mystery  of  quarter- 
racing,  I  accordingly  rode  to  the  thickest  of  the  crowd. 
A  rough-hewn  fellow,  who  either  was,  or  pretended  to 
be,  drunk,  was  bantering  to  run  his  mare  against  any 
horse  that  had  ploughed  as  much  that  season,  his  mare 
having,  as  he  assured  us,  tended  twenty-five  acres  in 
corn.  Another  chap  sidled  up  to  him,  and  offered  to 
plough  against  him  for  as  much  liquor  as  the  company 
could  drink,  or  for  who  should  have  both  nags — his  horse 
had  never  run,  as  he  did  not  follow  it.  Sorrel  got  mad, 
and  offered  to  beat  him  in  the  cart,  wagon  or  plough, 
or  he  could  beat  him  running  one  hundred  miles,  his 
weight  on  each,  for  five  hundred  dollars.  Bay  still 
disclaimed  racing,  but  would  run  the  quarter  stretch, 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY.         15 

to  amuse  the  company,  for  one  hundred  dollars.  Sorrel 
took  him  up,  provided  Bay  carried  his  present  rider, 
and  he  would  get  somebody  ;  Bay  agreed,  provided  he 
would  not  get  a  lighter  rider.  It  was  closed  at  that, 
and  two  of  Senator  Benton's  abominations — $100  Uni 
ted  States  Bank  Bills — were  planked  up.  Bay  inquired 
if  they  could  stand  another  $50 ; — agreed  to  by  Sorrel, 
who,  observing  Bay  shell  out  a  $100  note,  said,  there 
was  no  use  of  making  change,  as  his  note  was  the  same 
amount,  and  they  might  as  well  go  the  $100.  This 
was  promptly  agreed  to,  and  another  one  hundred  dol 
lars  offered,  and  immediately  covered — there  being 
now  three  hundred  dollars  aside.  Now  came  a  propo 
sal  to  increase  it  three  hundred  dollars  more  ;  Bay 
said — "  You  oversize  my  pile,  but  if  I  can  borrow  the 
money,  I'll  accommodate  you,"  and  immediately  slip 
ped  off  to  consult  his  banker.  Dan  now  whispered, 
"  Spread  yourself  on  the  Bay."  Thinking  I  should  run 
in  while  I  was  hot,  I  observed  aloud — I  should  admire 
to  bet  some  gentleman  ten  dollars  on  the  bay.  A  Mr. 
Wash,  or  as  he  was  familiarly  called,  Big  Wash,  snap 
ped  me  up  like  a  duck  does  a  June-bug,  by  taking  the 
bill  out  of  my  hand,  and  observing  that  either  of  us 
could  hold  the  stakes,  put  it  in  his  pocket.  Finding 
this  so  easily  done,  I  pushed  off  to  consult  my  friend 
Crump,  the  most  knowing  man  about  short  races  I  ever 
knew,  and  one  who  can  see  as  far  into  a  millstone  as 
the  man  that  pecks  it.  I  met  him  with  the  man  that 
made  the  race  on  the  bay,  coming  to  get  a  peep  at  the 
sorrel.  As  soon  as  he  laid  eyes  on  her  he  exclaimed — 
"  Why,  Dave,  you  made  a  pretty  pick  up  of  it;  I'm 
afraid  our  cake  is  all  dough — that's  old  Grapevine,  and  I 
told  you  point  blank  to  walk  round  her,  but  you're  like  a 


16         A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

member  of  the  Kentucky  legislature,  who  admitted  that 
if  he  had  a  failing  it  was  being  a  leetle  too  brave." 

"  How  could  I  know  Grapevine,"  replied  Dave,  dog 
gedly  ;  "  and  you  told  me  you  could  beat  her,  any 
how." 

«'  Yes,"  said  Crump,  « I  think  I  can  ;  but  I  didn't 
come  a  hundred  and  fifty  miles  to  run  them  kind  of 
races — Old  Tompkins  has  brought  her  here,  and  I  like 
him  for  a  sucker!" 

"Well,"  says  Dave,  "  maybe  I  can  get  off  with  the 
race  if  you  think  you'll  be  licked." 

"No,"  said  Crump,  "  when  I  go  a  catting,  I  go  a 
catting;  its  mighty  mixed  up,  and  there's  no  telling 
who's  constable  until  the  election  is  over ;  it  will  be  like 
the  old  bitch  and  the  rabbit,  nip  and  tack  every  jump, 
and  sometimes  the  bitch  a  leetle  ahead." 

Old  Tompkins,  who  had  not  appeared  during  the 
making  of  the  race,  now  came  round,  and  seeing  the 
bay,  said — "  Popcorn,  by  G — d."  He  now  came  for 
ward,  and  addressed  the  other  party:  "Boys,"  said  he, 
« it's  no  use  to  run  the  thing  into  the  ground.  If  a 
man  goes  in  for  betting,  I  say  let  him  go  his  load,  but 
we  have  no  ambition  against  you,  so  draw  the  bet  to 
one  hundred  dollars ;  that  is  enough  for  a  little  tacky 
race  like  this,  just  made  for  amusement." — Carried  by 
acclamation. 

Now  the  judges  were  selected:  a  good  judge  does 
not  mean  exactly  the  same  thing  here  as  on  the 
bench,  though  some  of  the  same  kind  may  be  found 
there — it  means  one  who  is  obstinate  in  going  for  his 
own  friends.  It  did  not  seem  to  be  considered  courteous 
to  object  to  the  selections  on  either  side,  perhaps  from 
a  mutual  consciousness  of  invulnerability.  But  one  of 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY.         17 

the  nominees  for  the  ermine  was  a  hickory  over  any 
oody's  persimmon  in  the  way  of  ugliness.  He  was 
said  to  be  the  undisputed  possessor  of  the  celebrated 
jack-knife  ;  his  likeness  had  been  moulded  on  dog-irons 
to  frighten  the  children  from  going  too  near  the  fire, 
and  his  face  ached  perpetually  ;  but  his  eyes!  his  eyes! 
He  was  said  to  have  caught  a  turkey-buzzard  by  the 
neck,  the  bird  being  deceived,  and  thinking  he  was 
looking  another  way ;  and  several  of  the  crowd  said  he 
was  so  cross-eyed  he  could  look  at  his  own  head  !  It 
was  objected  to  him  that  he  could  not  keep  his  eyes  on 
the  score,  as  he  did  not  see  straight,  and  it  was  leaving 
the  race  to  the  accident  of  which  of  his  optics  obtained 
the  true  bearing  when  the  horses  were  coming  out. 
The  objections  were  finally  overruled,  the  crooked 
party  contending  that  Nature  had  designed  him  for  a 
quarter  judge,  as  he  could  station  one  eye  to  watch 
when  the  foremost  horse's  toe  struck  the  score,  and 
could  note  the  track  of  the  horse  that  followed,  at  the 
same  moment,  with  the  other  eye. 

The  riders  now  attracted  my  attention.  It  is  cus 
tomary,  I  believe,  to  call  such  "  a  feather,"  but  they 
seemed  to  me  about  the  size  of  a  big  Christmas  turkey 
gobbler,  without  feathers  ;  and  I  was  highly  delighted 
with  the  precocity  of  the  youths — they  could  swear 
with  as  much  energy  as  men  of  six  feet,  and  they  used 
fourth-proof  oaths  with  a  volubility  that  would  bother 
a  congressional  reporter. 

There  now  arose  a  dispute  as  to  whether  they  should 
run  to  or  from  the  stand,  it  being  a  part  of  the  mile 
track,  and  there  being  some  supposed  advantage  to  one 
of  the  horses,  or  the  other,  according  as  this  might  be 
arranged.  It  was  determined  by  a  toss-up  at  last,  to 


18         A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

run  to  the  stand.  After  another  toss  for  choice  of 
tracks,  and  another  for  the  word,  the  horses  walked 
off  towards  the  head  of  the  stretch.  Now  it  was 
"  Hurra,  my  Popcorn — I  believe  in  you — come  it  strong, 
lumber — go  it  with  a  looseness — root  little  pig,  or  die." 
And,  "Oh!  my  Grapevine !  tear  the  hind  sights  off 
him !— you'll  lay  him  out  cold  as  a  wagon-tire — roll 
your  bones — go  it,  you  cripples!"  &c.,  &c.,  &,c. 

Beginning  to  doubt,  from  all  I  heard,  whether  my 
friend  Dave  had  been  regularly  appointed  almanac- 
maker  for  this  year,  I  hedged  a  five,  and  staked  it  with 
a  young  man  that  was  next  me,  riding  a  remarkable 
wall-eyed  horse,  and  some  time  after  staked  another 
five  dollars,  with  a  person  I  had  noticed  assisting  about 
the  bar,  and  would  be  able  to  recognise  again.  I  now 
flattered  myself  on  my  situation — I  had  all  the  pleasur 
able  excitement  of  wagering,  and  nothing  at  risk. 

Each  side  of  the  track  was  lined  with  eager  faces, 
necks  elongated,  and  chins  projected,  a  posture  very 
conducive  to  health  in  a  bilious  climate,  as  it  facilitates 
the  operation  of  emetics.  I  was  deafened  with  loud 
cries  of  "Clear  the  track!"  "Stand  back!"  "Get 
off  the  fence!"  "The  riders  are  mounted  !"  "  They 
are  coming!"  "Now  they  are  off!" — but  still  they 
came  not.  Without  intending  it,  I  found  myself,  and 
indeed  most  of  the  crowd,  moving  up  towards  the 
start,  and  after  every  failure,  or  false  alarm,  I  would 
move  a  few  yards.  I  overheard  a  fellow  telling  with 
great  glee — "  Well,  I  guess  I  warmed  the  wax  in  the 
ears  of  that  fellow  with  the  narrow  brimmed  white 
hat ;  he  had  an  elegant  watch  that  he  offered  to  bet 
against  a  good  riding-horse.  You  know  my  seventeen 
year  old  horse,  that  I  always  call  the  bay  colt ;  I  pro- 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY.         19 

posed  to  stake  him  against  the  watch,  and  the  fellow 
agreed  to  it  without  ever  looking  in  his  mouth ;  if  he 
had,  he  would  have  seen  teeth  as  long  as  tenpenny 
nails.  It  is  easy  fooling  any  of  them  New  York  col 
lectors — they  ain't  cute :  the  watch  is  a  bang-up  lever, 
and  he  says  if  he  was  GOING  TO  TRAVEL  he  would  not 
be  without  it  for  any  consideration.  He  made  me  pro 
mise  if  I  won  it  to  let  him  have  it  back  at  one  hundred 
dollars  in  case  he  went  into  Georgia  this  fall.  It  is 
staked  in  the  hands  of  the  Squire  there  ; — Squire,  show 
it  to  this  here  entire  stranger."  The  Squire  produced 
a  splendid  specimen  of  the  tin  manufacture ;  I  pro 
nounced  it  valuable,  but  thought  it  most  prudent  not 
to  mention  for  what  purpose. 

Alarms  that  the  horses  were  coming  continued,  and 
I  gradually  reached  the  starting  place :  I  then  found 
that  Crump,  who  was  to  turn  Popcorn,  had  won  the 
word — that  is,  he  was  to  ask  "  are  you  ready  ?"  and  if 
answered  "  yes !"  it  was  to  be  a  race.  Popcorn  jumped 
about  like  a  pea  on  a  griddle,  and  fretted  greatly — he 
was  all  over  in  a  lather  of  sweat.  He  was  managed 
very  judiciously,  and  every  attempt  was  made  to  soothe 
him  and  keep  him  cool,  though  he  evidently  was  some 
what  exhausted.  All  this  time  Grapevine  was  led  about 
as  cool  as  a  cucumber,  an  awkward-looking  striker  of 
old  Thompson's  holding  her  by  the  cheek  of  the  bridle, 
with  instructions,  I  presume,  not  to  let  loose  in  any  case, 
as  he  managed  adroitly  to  be  turning  round  whenever 
Popcorn  put  the  question. 

Old  Tompkins  had  been  sitting  doubled  up  sideways, 
on  his  sleepy-looking  old  horse — it  how  being  near  dark 
— rode  slowly  off  a  short  distance,  and  hitched  his 
horse  :  he  deliberately  took  off  his  coat,  folded  it  care 


20         A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

fully,  and  laid  it  on  a  stump  ;  his  neckcloth  was  with 
equal  care  deposited  on  it,  and  then  his  weather-beaten 
hat ;  he  stroked  down  the  few  remaining  hairs  on  his 
caput,  and  came  and  took  the  mare  from  his  striker. 
Crump  was  anxious  for  a  start,  as  his  horse  was  worsted 
by  delay ;  and  as  soon  as  he  saw  Grapevine  in  motion 
to  please  her  turner,  Old  Tompkins  swung  her  off 
ahead,  shouting  triumphantly,  "Go!  d — nyou!"  and 
away  she  went  with  an  ungovernable.  Crump  wheeled 
his  horse  round  before  reaching  the  poles,  and  opened 
on  Old  Tompkins — «  That's  no  way  ;  if  you  mean  to 
run,  let  us  run,  and  quit  fooling ;  you  should  say  <  Yes !' 
if  you  mean  it  to  be  a  race,  and  then  I  would  have 
turned  loose,  had  my  nag  been  tail  forward ;  it  was  nc 
use  for  me  to  let  go,  as  it  would  have  been  no  race  any 
how  until  you  give  the  word." 

Old  Tomkins  looked  as  if  the  boat  had  left  him,  or 
like  the  fellow  that  was  fighting,  and  discovered  that 
he  had  been  biting  his  own  thumb.  He  paused  a  mo 
ment,  and  without  trying  to  raise  a  squabble,  (an  unu 
sual  thing,)  he  broke  down  the  track  to  his  mare, 
slacked  her  girths,  and  led  her  back,  soothing  and  trying 
to  quiet  her.  She  was  somewhat  blown  by  the  run, 
as  the  little  imp  on  her  was  not  strong  enough  to  take 
her  up  soon.  They  were  now  so  good  and  so  good, 
and  he  proposed  they  should  lead  up  and  take  a  fair 
start.  "  Oh  !"  said  Crump,  "  I  thought  that  would 
bring  you  to  your  milk,  so  lead  up."  By  this  time  you 
could  see  a  horse  twenty  yards  off,  but  you  could  not 
be  positive  as  to  his  colour.  It  was  proposed  to  call 
in  candles.  The  horses  were  led  up,  and  got  off  the 
first  trial.  "Ready?"  "Yes!" — and  a  fairer  start 
was  never  made.  Away  they  went  in  a  hurry, 

"  Glimmering  through  the  gloam." 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY.         21 

All  hands  made  for  the  winning  post.  Here  I  heard 
— "  Mare's  race  !" — «  No  !  she  crossed  over  the  horse's 
path !"— «  The  boy  with  the  shirt  rode  foul !"— «  The 
horse  was  ahead  when  he  passed  me  !"  After  much 
squabbling,  it  was  admitted  by  both  parties  that  the 
nag  that  came  out  on  the  left-hand  side  of  the  track 
was  ahead  ;  but  they  were  about  equally  divided  as  to 
whether  the  horse  or  the  mare  came  through  on  the 
left-hand  side.  The  judges  of  the  start  agreed  to  give 
it  in  as  even.  When  they  came  down,  it  appeared 
that  one  of  the  outcome  judges  got  angry,  and  had 
gone  home  an  hour  ago.  My  friend  that  looked  so 
many  ways  for  Sunday,  after  a  very  ominous  silence, 
and  waiting  until  frequently  appealed  to,  gave  the  race 
to  the  horse  by  ten  inches.  This  brought  a  yell  from 
the  crowd,  winners  and  losers,  that  beat  any  thing 
yet ;  a  dozen  of  men  were  produced,  who  were  ready 
to  swear  that  gimblet-eye  was  a  hundred  yards  off, 
drinking  a  stiff  cock-tail  at  the  booth,  and  that  he  wras 
at  the  far  side  of  it  when  the  horses  came  out,  and 
consequently  must  have  judged  the  result  through  two 
pine  planks  an  inch  thick ;  others  swore  he  did  not 
know  when  the  race  was  won,  and  was  not  at  the  post 
for  five  minutes  after.  Babel  was  a  quiet  retired  place 
compared  with  the  little  assemblage  at  this  time  :  some 
bets  were  given  up,  occasional  symptoms  of  a  fight 
appeared,  a  general  examination  was  going  on  to  be 
assured  the  knife  was  in  the  pocket,  and  those  hard  to 
open  were  opened  and  slipped  up  the  sleeve ;  the 
crowd  clustered  together  like  a  bee-swarm.  This  con 
tinued  until  about  nine  o'clock,  when  Crump,  finding 
he  could  not  get  the  stakes,  compromised  the  matter, 
and  announced  that  by  agreement  it  was  a  drawn  race. 
I 


22         A  QUARTER  RACK  IN  KENTUCKY. 

This  was  recehed  with  a  yell  louder,  if  possible,  than 
any  former  one  ;  every  one  seemed  glad  of  it,  and  there 
was  a  unanimous  adjournment  to  the  bar.  Though 
tired  and  weary,  I  confess  that  I  (for  no  earthly  reason 
that  I  can  give  but  the  force  of  example)  was  inclined 
to  join  them,  when  I  was  accosted  by  a  person  with 
whom  I  had  bet,  and  had  staked  in  the  hands  of  the 
young  man  riding  the  wall-eyed  horse.  "  Well,"  said 
he,  "  shell  out  my  five  dollars  that  I  put  up  with  that 
friend  of  yours — as  I  can't  find  Aim."  I  protested  that 
I  did  not  know  the  young  man  at  all,  and  stated  that 
he  had  my  stake  also.  He  replied  that  I  need  not  try 
to  feed  him  on  soft  corn  that  way,  and  called  on  several 
persons  to  prove  that  I  selected  the  stakeholder,  and 
we  were  seen  together,  and  we  must  be  acquainted,  as 
we  were  \>oi\ifurrdgners  from  the  cut  of  our  coats.  He 
began  to  talk  hostile,  and  was,  as  they  brag  in  the 
timber  districts,  twenty  foot  in  the  clear,  without  limb, 
knot,  windshake,  or  woodpecker  hole.  To  appease 
him,  I  agreed,  if  the  stakeholder  could  not  be  found, 
to  be  responsible  for  his  stake.  He  very  industriously 
made  proclamation  for  the  young  man  with  the  wall 
eyed  horse,  and  being  informed  that  he  had  done  gone 
three  hours  ago,  he  claimed  of  rne,  and  I  had  to  shell 
out. 

Feeling  somewhat  worsted  by  this  transaction,  I  con 
cluded  I  would  look  up  my  other  bets.  Mr.  Wash  I 
did  not  see,  and  concluded  he  had  retired ;  I  found 
the  stakeholder  that  assisted  about  the  bar,  and  claimed 
my  five  dollars  on  the  draw  race  ;  to  my  surprise  I 
learned  he  had  given  up  the  stakes.  Having  been 
previously  irritated,  I  made  some  severe  remarks,  to 
all  of  which  he  replied  in  perfect  good  temper,  and 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY.         23 

assured  me  he  was  the  most  punctilious  person  in  the 
world  about  such  matters,  and  that  it  was  his  invariable 
rule  never  to  give  up  stakes  except  by  the  direction  of 
some  of  the  judges,  and  called  up  proof  of  his  having 
declined  delivering  the  stakes  until  he  and  the  claimant 
went  to  old  screw-eye ;  and  he  decided  I  had  lost. 
This  seemed  to  put  the  matter  out  of  dispute  so  far  as 
he  was  concerned,  but  thinking  I  would  make  an  ap 
peal  to  my  opponent,  I  inquired  if  he  kneAV  him.  He 
satisfied  me,  by  assuring  me  he  did  not  /enow  him  from 
a  side  of  sole  leather. ' 

I  left  the  course,  and  on  returning  next  morning,  I 
looked  out  for  Mr.  Wash ;  I  discovered  him  drinking,  and 
offering  large  bets ;  he  saw  me  plainly,  but  affected  a 
perfect  forgetfulness,  and  did  not  recognise  me.  After 
waiting  some  time,  and  finding  he  would  not  address 
me,  I  approached  him,  and  requested  an  opportunity 
of  speaking  to  him  apart.  Mr.  Wash  instantly  accom 
panied  me,  and  began  telling  me  he  had  got  in  a  scrape, 
and  had  never  in  his  life  been  in  such  a  fix.  Perceiv 
ing  what  he  was  at,  I  concluded  to  take  the  whip-hand 
of  him,  and  observed — "  Mr.  Wash,  if  you  design  to 
intimate  by  your  preliminary  remarks  that  you  cannot 
return  to  me  my  own  money,  staked  in  your  hands,  I 
must  say  I  consider  such  conduct  extremely  ungentle- 
manly."  Upon  this  he  whipped  out  a  spring-back 
dirk  knife,  nine  inches  in  the  blade,  and  whetted  to  cut 
a  hair,  stepped  off,  picked  up  a  piece  of  cedar,  and 
commenced  whittling.  "Now,  stranger,"  says  he, 
"I  would  not  advise  any  man  to  try  to  run  over  me, 
for  I  ask  no  man  any  odds  further  than  civility  ;  I  con 
sider  myself  as  honest  a  man  as  any  in  Harris  county, 
Kentucky ;  but  I'll  tell  you,  stranger,  exactly  how  it 


24        A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

happened :  you  see,  when  you  offered  to  bet  on  the 
sorrel,  I  was  out  of  soap,  but  it  was  too  good  a  chanct 
to  let  slip,  as  I  was  dead  sure  Popcorn  would  win ; 
and  if  he  had  won,  you  know,  of  course  it  made  no 
difference  to  you  whether  I  Lad  a  stake  or  not.  Well, 
it  was  none  of  my  business  to  hunt  you  up,  so  I  went 
to  town  last  night  to  the  confectionary,  [a  whisky 
shop  in  a  log  pen  fourteen  feet  square,]  and  I  thought 
I'd  make  a  rise  on  chuck-a-luck,  but  you  prehaps  never 
saw  such  a  run  of  luck  ;  everywhere  I  touched  was 
pizen,  and  I  came  out  of  the  leetle  end  of  the  horn  ;  but 
I'll  tell  you  what,  I'm  a  man  that  always  stands  up 
to  my  fodder,  rack  or  no  rack  ;  so,  as  you  don't  w^ant 
the  money,  I'll  negotiate  to  suit  you  exactly ;  I'll  give 
you  my  dubisary:  I  don't  know  that  I  can  pay  it  this 
year,  unless  the  crap  of  hemp  turns  out  well ;  but  if  I 
can't  this  year,  I  will  next  year  probably ;  and  I'll  tell 
you  exactly  my  principle — if  a  man  waits  with  me  like 
a  gentleman,  I'm  sure  to  pay  him  when  I'm  ready; 
but  if  a  man  tries  to  bear  down  on  me  and  make  me 
pay  whether  or  no,  you  see  it  is  his  own  look  out,  and 
he'll  see  sights  before  he  gets  his  money."  My  respect 
for  Mr.  Wash's  dirk-knife,  together  with  my  perceiving 
there  was  nothing  else  to  be  had,  induced  me  to  ex 
press  my  entire  satisfaction  with  Mr.  Wash's  dubisary, 
hoping  at  the  same  time  that  at  least  enough  of  hemp 
would  grow  that  year.  He  proposed  that  I  should  let 
him  have  five  dollars  more  for  a  stake,  but  on  my  de 
clining,  he  said,  «  Well,  there  is  no  harm  in  mentioning 
it."  He  went  to  the  bar,  borrowed  pen  and  ink,  and 
presently  returned  with  a  splendid  specimen  of  cali- 
graphy  to  the  following  effect : — 


A  QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY.         25 

}      Due  Dempsey,  the  just  and 

*'  C  lawful  sum  of  ten   dollars,  for 
Jessamine  county,     i      ,  ,  i  ,  ,, 

J      )  value  received,  payable  on  the 

26th  day  of  December,  1836  or  1837,  or  any  time  after 
that  1  am  able  to  discharge  the  same.  As  witness  my 
hand  and  seal,  this  30th  day  of  May,  1836. 

GEORGE  WASHINGTON  BRIGGS.    )  SEAL 


I  wish  you  would  try  Wall  street  with  this  paper,  as 
I  wish  to  cash  it ;  but  I'll  run  a  mile  before  I  wait  for 
a  quarter  race  again. 


A  SHARK  STORY. 

BY  "  J.  CYPRESS,  JR.,"  THE  LATE  WM.  P.  HA  WES,  ESQ. 
OF  NEW  YORK. 

No  native  writer  of  his  age,  probably,  ever  acquired  so  enviable 
a  reputation  at  home  and  abroad,  as  was  universally  accorded 
to  the  late  lamented  WM.  P.  HAWES,  Esq.,  of  New  York, 
whose  sketches,  under  the  signature  of  "J.  CYPRESS,  Jr.," 
were  everywhere  sought  for,  and  read  with  the  highest  degree 
of  interest.  A  collection  of  his  contributions  to  the  press  was 
published  two  or  three  years  since,  under  the  title  of  "  Country 
Scenes  and  Sundry  Sketches"  (edited  by  "  FRANK  FORESTER,") 
to  which  attention  is  invited  as  being  one  of  the  most  humor 
ous  original  works  in  the  language.  The  capital  story  sub 
joined  will  give  a  very  good  idea  of  his  style. 

'<WELL,  gentlemen,  I'll  go  ahead,  if  you  say  so. 
Here's  the  story.  It  is  true,  upon  my  honour,  from 
beginning  to  end — every  word  of  it.  I  once  crossed 
over  to  Faulkner's  island  to  fish  for  tautaugs,  as  the 
north-side  people  call  black  fish,  on  the  reefs  hard  by,  in 
the  Long  Island  Sound.  Tim  Titus  (who  died  of  the 
dropsy  down  at  Shinnecock  point,  last  spring)  lived 
there  then.  Tim  was  a  right  good  fellow,  only  he 
drank  rather  too  much. 

"  It  was  during  the  latter  part  of  July ;  the  sharks 
and  the  dog-fish  had  just  began  to  spoil  sport.  When 
Tim  told  me  about  the  sharks,  I  resolved  to  go  pre 
pared  to  entertain  these  aquatic  savages  with  all  be 
coming  attention  and  regard,  if  there  should  chance  to 
26 


A    SHARK    STORY.  27 

be  any  interloping  about  our  fishing  ground.  So,  we 
rigged  out  a  set  of  extra  large  hooks,  and  shipped  some 
ropeyarn  and  steel  chain,  an  axe,  a  couple  of  clubs, 
and  an  old  harpoon,  in  addition  to  our  ordinary  equip 
ments,  and  off  we  started.  We  threw  out  our  anchor 
at  half-ebb  tide,  and  took  some  thumping  large  fish : 
two  of  them  weighed  thirteen  pounds — so  you  may 
judge.  The  reef  where  we  lay  was  about  half  a  mile 
from  the  island,  and,  perhaps,  a  mile  from  the  Connecti 
cut  shore.  We  floated  there,  very  quietly,  throwing 
out  and  hauling  in,  until  the  breaking  of  my  line,  with 
a  sudden  and  severe  jerk,  informed  me  that  the  sea 
attorneys  were  in  waiting,  down  stairs ;  and  we  accord 
ingly  prepared  to  give  them  a  retainer.  A  salt  pork 
cloak  upon  one  of  our  magnum  hooks  forthwith  en 
gaged  one  of  the  gentlemen  in  our  service.  We  got 
him  alongside,  and  by  dint  of  piercing,  and  thrusting, 
and  banging,  we  accomplished  a  most  exciting  and 
merry  murder.  We  had  business  enough  of  the  kind 
to  keep  us  employed  until  near  low  water.  By  this 
time,  the  sharks  had  all  cleared  out,  and  the  black  fish 
were  biting  again ;  the  rock  began  to  make  its  appear 
ance  above  the  water,  and  in  a  little  while  its  hard  bald 
head  was  entirely  dry.  Tim  now  proposed  to  set  me 
out  upon  the  rock,  while  he  rowed  ashore  to  get  the 
jug,  which,  strange  to  say,  we  had  left  at  the  house. 
I  assented  to  this  proposition  ;  first,  because  I  began  to 
feel  the  effects  of  the  sun  upon  my  tongue,  and  needed 
something  to  take,  by  the  way  of  medicine;  and  secondly, 
because  the  rock  was  a  favourite  spot  for  rod  and  reel, 
and  famous  for  luck:  so  I  took  my  traps,  and  a  box  of 
bait,  and  jumped  upon  my  new  station.  Tim  made 
for  the  island. 


28  A    SHARK    STORY. 

»  Not  many  men  would  willingly  have  been  left  upon 
a  little  barren  reef  that  was  covered  by  every  flow  of 
the  tide,  in  the  midst  of  a  waste  of  waters,  at  such  a 
distance  from  the  shore,  even  with  an  assurance  from 
a  companion  more  to  be  depended  upon  than  mine, 
that  he  would  return  immediately  and  take  him  off.    But 
some  how  or  other,  the  excitement  of  my  sport  was  so 
high,  and  the  romance  of  the  situation  was  so  delight 
ful,  that  I  thought  of  nothing  else  but  the  prospect  of 
my  fun,  and  the   contemplation  of  the  novelty  and 
beauty  of  the  scene.     It  was  a  mild,  pleasant  afternoon, 
in  harvest  time.     The  sky  was  clear  and  pure.     The 
deep  blue  sound,  heaving  all  around  me,  was  studded 
with  craft  of  all  descriptions  and  dimensions,  from  the 
dipping  sail-boat  to  the  rolling  merchantman,  sinking 
and  rising  like  sea-birds  sporting  with  their  white  wings 
in  the  surge.     The  grain  and  grass  on  the  neighbouring 
farms  were  gold  and  green,  and  gracefully  they  bent 
obeisance  to  a  gently  breathing  south-wester.    Farther 
off,  the  high  upland,  and  the  distant  coast,  gave  a  dim 
relief  to  the  prominent  features  of  the  landscape,  and 
seemed  the  rich  but  dusky  frame  of  a  brilliant  fairy 
picture.     Then,  how  still  it  was !  not  a  sound  could 
be   heard,  except  the  occasional  rustling  of  my  own 
motion,    and   the   water   beating   against   the    sides, 
or  gurgling  in  the  fissures  of  the  rock,  or  except  now 
and  then  the  cry  of  a  solitary  saucy  gull,  who  would 
come  out  of  his  way  in  the  firmament,  to  see  what  I 
was  doing  without  a  boat,  all  alone,  in  the  middle  of 
the  sound ;  and  who  would  hover,  and  cry,  and  chat 
ter,  and  make  two  or  three  circling  swoops  and  dashes 
at  me,  and  then,  after  having  satisfied  his  curiosity, 
glide  away  in  search  of  some  other  food  to  scream  at. 


A   SHARK    STORY.  29 

*<I  soon  became  half  indolent,  and  quite  indifferent 
about  fishing ;  so  I  stretched  myself  out  at  full  length 
upon  the  rock,  and  gave  myself  up  to  the  luxury  of 
looking  and  thinking.  The  divine  exercise  soon  put 
me  fast  asleep.  I  dreamed  away  a  couple  of  hours, 
and  longer  might  have  dreamed,  but  for  a  tired  fish- 
hawk  who  chose  to  make  my  head  his  resting  place, 
and  who  waked  and  started  me  to  my  feet. 

"  'Where  is  Tim  Titus?'  I  muttered  to  myself,  as  I 
strained  my  eyes  over  the  now  darkened  water.  But 
none  was  near  me  to  answer  that  interesting  question, 
and  nothing  was  to  be  seen  of  either  Tim  or  his  boat. 
« He  should  have  been  here  long  ere  this,'  thought  I,  <  and 
he  promised  faithfully  not  to  stay  long — could  he  have 
forgotten  ?  or  has  he  paid  too  much  devotion  to  the  jug  ?' 

"I  began  to  feel  uneasy,  for  the  tide  was  rising  fast, 
and  soon  would  cover  the  top  of  the  rock,  and  high  water 
mark  was  at  least  a  foot  above  my  head.  I  buttoned 
up  my  coat,  for  either  the  coming  coolness  of  the  even 
ing,  or  else  my  growing  apprehensions,  had  set  me 
trembling  and  chattering  most  painfully.  I  braced  my 
nerves,  and  set  my  teeth,  and  tried  to  hum  *  Begone, 
dull  care,'  keeping  time  with  my  fists  upon  my  thighs. 
But  what  music  !  what  melancholy  merriment !  I  started 
and  shuddered  at  the  doleful  sound  of  my  own  voice. 
I  am  not  naturally  a  coward ;  but  I  should  like  to  know 
the  man  who  would  not,  in  such  a  situation,  be  alarmed. 
It  is  a  cruel  death  to  die  to  be  merely  drowned,  and  to 
go  through  the  ordinary  common-places  of  suffocation ; 
but  to  see  your  death  gradually  rising  to  your  eyes,  to 
feel  the  water  rising,  inch  by  inch,  upon  your  shivering 
sides,  and  to  anticipate  the  certainly  coming,  choking 
struggle  for  your  last  breath,  when,  with  the  gurgling 


30  A    SHARK    STORY. 

sound  of  an  overflowing  brook  taking  a  new  direction, 
the  cold  brine  pours  into  mouth,  ears,  and  nostrils, 
usurping  the  seat  and  avenues  of  health  and  life,  and, 
with  gradual  flow,  stifling — smothering — suffocating1 
It  were  better  to  die  a  thousand  common  deaths. 

«  This  is  one  of  the  instances  in  which,  it  must  be 
admitted,  salt  water  is  not  a  pleasant  subject  of  con 
templation.  However,  the  rock  was  not  yet  covered, 
and  hope,  blessed  hope,  stuck  faithfully  by  me.  To 
beguile,  if  possible,  the  weary  time,  I  put  on  a  bait, 
and  threw  out  for  fish.  I  was  sooner  successful  than 
I  could  have  wished  to  be,  for  hardly  had  my  line 
struck  the  water,  before  the  hook  was  swallowed,  and 
my  rod  was  bent  with  the  dead  hard  pull  of  a  twelve 
foot  shark.  I  let  him  run  about  fifty  yards,  and  then 
reeled  up.  He  appeared  not  at  all  alarmed,  and  I 
could  scarcely  feel  him  bear  upon  my  fine  hair  line. 
He  followed  the  pull  gently  and  unresisting,  came  up 
to  the  rock,  laid  his  nose  upon  its  side,  and  looked  up 
into  my  face,  not  as  if  utterly  unconcerned,  but  with  a 
sort  of  quizzical  impudence,  as  though  he  perfectly  un 
derstood  the  precarious  nature  of  my  situation.  The 
conduct  of  my  captive  renewed  and  increased  m;y 
alarm.  And  well  it  might ;  for  the  tide  was  now  run 
ning  over  a  corner  of  the  rock  behind  me,  and  a  small 
stream  rushed  through  a  cleft,  or  fissure,  by  my  side, 
and  formed  a  puddle  at  my  very  feet.  I  broke  my 
hook  out  of  the  monster's  mouth,  and  leaned  upon  my 
rod  for  support. 

«  <  Where  is  Tim  Titus  ?' — I  cried  aloud — <  Curse  on 
the  drunken  vagabond  !  Will  he  never  come?' 

"My  ejaculations  did  no  good.  No  Timothy  ap 
peared-  It  became  evident  that  I  must  prepare  for 


A    SHARK    STORY.  31 

drowning,  or  for  action.  The  reef  was  completely  co 
vered,  and  the  water  was  above  the  soles  of  my  feet. 
I  was  not  much  of  a  swimmer,  and  as  to  ever  reaching 
the  island,  I  could  not  even  hope  for  that.  However, 
there  was  no  alternative,  and  I  tried  to  encourage  my 
self,  by  reflecting  that  necessity  was  the  mother  of  in 
vention,  and  that  desperation  will  sometimes  insure 
success.  Besides,  too,  I  considered  and  took  comfort 
from  the  thought  that  I  could  wait  for  Tim,  so  lono-  as  I 

O  l  O 

had  a  foothold,  and  then  commit  myself  to  the  uncer 
tain  strength  of  my  arms  and  legs  for  salvation.  So  I 
turned  my  bait-box  upside  down,  and  mounting  upon 
that,  endeavoured  to  comfort  my  spirits,  and  to  be 
courageous,  but  submissive  to  my  fate.  I  thought  of 
death,  and  what  it  might  bring  with  it,  and  I  tried  to 
repent  of  the  multiplied  iniquities  of  my  almost  wasted 
life ;  but  I  found  that  that  was  no  place  for  a  sinner  to 
settle  his  accounts.  Wretched  soul,  pray  I  could  not. 

«  The  water  had  not  got  above  my  ankles,  when,  to 
my  inexpressible  joy,  I  saw  a  sloop  bending  down 
towrards  me,  with  the  evident  intention  of  picking  me 
up.  No  man  can  imagine  what  were  the  sensations  of 
gratitude  which  filled  my  bosom  at  that  moment. 

«  When  she  got  within  a  hundred  yards  of  the  reef,  I 
sung  out  to  the  man  at  the  helm  to  luff  up,  and  lie  by, 
and  lower  the  boat ;  but,  to  my  amazement,  I  could  get 
no  reply,  nor  notice  of  my  request.  I  entreated  them, 
for  the  love  of  heaven,  to  take  me  off;  and  I  promised, 
I  know  not  what  rewards,  that  were  entirely  beyond  my 
power  of  bestowal.  But  the  brutal  wretch  of  a  captain, 
muttering  something  to  the  effect  of  <  that  he  hadn't 
time  to  stop,'  and  giving  me  the  kind  and  sensible 
advice  to  pull  off  my  coat  and  swim  ashore,  put  the 


32  A    SHARK    STORY. 

helm  hard  down,  and  away  bore  the  sloop  on  the  other 
tack. 

"  'Heartless  villain  !' — I  shrieked  out,  in  the  torture 
of  my  disappointment ;  <  may  God  reward  your  inhu 
manity.'  The  crew  answered  my  prayer  with  a  coarse, 
loud  laugh  ;  and  the  cook  asked  me  through  a  speaking 
trumpet,  <  If  I  was  not  afraid  of  catching  cold.' — The 
black  rascal ! 

"It  now  was  time  to  strip;  for  my  knees  felt  the 
cool  tide,  and  the  wind,  dying  away,  left  a  heavy  swell, 
that  swayed  and  shook  the  box  upon  which  I  was 
mounted,  so  that  I  had  occasionally  to  stoop,  and  pad 
dle  with  my  hands  against  the  water,  in  order  to  pre 
serve  my  perpendicular.  The  setting  sun  sent  his 
almost  horizontal  streams  of  fire  across  the  dark  waters, 
making  them  gloomy  and  terrific,  by  the  contrast  of  his 
amber  and  purple  glories. 

"  Something  glided  by  me  in  the  water,  and  then 
made  a  sudden  halt.  I  looked  upon  the  black  mass, 
and,  as  my  eye  ran  along  its  dark  outline,  I  saw,  with 
horror,  that  it  was  a  shark ;  the  identical  monster  out 
of  whose  mouth  I  had  just  broken  my  hook.  He  was 
fishing  now  for  me,  and  was  evidently  only  waiting  for 
the  tide  to  rise  high  enough  above  the  rock,  to  glut  at 
once  his  hunger  and  revenge.  As  the  water  continued 
to  mount  above  my  knees,  he  seemed  to  grow  more 
hungry  and  familiar.  At  last,  he  made  a  desperate 
dash,  and  approaching  within  an  inch  of  my  legs, 
turned  upon  his  back,  and  opened  his  huge  jaws  for  an 
attack.  With  desperate  strength,  I  thrust  the  end  of 
my  rod  violently  at  his  mouth ;  and  the  brass  head, 
ringing  against  his  teeth,  threw  him  back  into  the  deep 
current,  and  I  lost  sight  of  him  entirely.  This,  however, 


A  SHARK  STORY. 

"As  I  looked  around  me  to  see  what  had  become  of  the  robbers,  I  counted 

one,  two,  three,  yes,  up  to  twelve,  successively,  of  the 

largest  sharks  I  ever  saw!" — Page  33. 


A    SHARK    STORY.  33 

was  but  a  momentary  repulse  ;  for  in  the  next  minute 
he  was  close  behind  rny  back,  and  pulling  at  the  skirts 
of  my  fustian  coat,  which  hung  dipping  into  tlie  water. 
I  leaned  forward  hastily,  and  endeavoured  to  extricate 
myself  from  the  dangerous  grasp;  but  the  monster's 
teeth  were  too  firmly  set,  and  his  immense  strength 
nearly  drew  me  over.  So,  down  flew  my  rod,  and  off 
went  my  jacket,  devoted  peace-offerings  to  my  vora 
cious  visiter. 

"  In  an  instant,  the  waves  all  round  me  were  lashed 
into  froth  and  foam.  No  sooner  was  my  poor  old 
sporting  friend  drawn  under  the  surface,  than  it  was 
fought  for  by  at  least  a  dozen  enormous  combatants ! 
The  battle  raged  upon  every  side.  High  black  fins 
rushed  now  here,  now  there,  and  long,  strong  tails 
scattered  sleet  and  froth,  and  the  brine  was  thrown  up 
in  jets,  and  eddied,  and  curled,  and  fell,  and  swelled, 
like  a  whirlpool  in  Hell-gate. 

"Of  no  long  duration,  however,  was  this  fishy  tour 
ney.  It  seemed  soon  to  be  discovered  that  the  prize 
contended  for  contained  nothing  edible  but  cheese  and 
crackers,  and  no  flesh  ;  and  as  its  mutilated  fragments 
rose  to  the  surface,  the  waves  subsided  into  their  former 
smooth  condition.  Not  till  then  did  I  experience  the 
real  terrors  of  my  situation.  As  I  looked  around  me  to 
see  what  had  become  of  the  robbers,  I  counted  one, 
two,  three,  yes,  up  to  twelve,  successively,  of  the 
largest  sharks  I  ever  saw,  floating  in  a  circle  around  me, 
like  divergent  rays,  all  mathematically  equidistant  from 
the  rock,  and  from  each  other;  each  perfectly  motion 
less,  and  with  his  gloating,  fiery  eye,  fixed  full  and 
fierce  upon  me.  Basilisks  and  rattlesnakes !  how  the 
fire  of  their  steady  eyes  entered  into  my  heart !  I  was 


34  A    SHARK    STORY. 

the  centre  of  a  circle,  whose  radii' were  sharks!  I  was 
the  unsprung,  or  rather  unchewed  game,  at  which  a  pack 
of  hunting  sea-dogs  were  making  a  dead  point ! 

"  There  was  one  old  fellow,  that  kept  within  the  cir 
cumference  of  the  circle.  He  seemed  to  be  a  sort  of 
captain,  or  leader  of  the  band ;  or,  rather,  he  acted  as 
the  coroner  for  the  other  twelve  of  the  inquisition,  that 
were  summoned  to  sit  on,  and  eat  up  my  body.  He 
glided  around  and  about,  and  every  now  and  then 
would  stop,  and  touch  his  nose  against  some  one  of  his 
comrades,  and  seem  to  consult,  or  to  give  instructions 
as  to  the  time  and  mode  of  operation.  Occasionally, 
he  would  skull  himself  up  towards  me,  and  examine 
the  condition  of  my  flesh,  and  then  again  glide  back, 
and  rejoin  the  troupe,  and  flap  his  tail,  and  have  ano 
ther  confabulation.  The  old  rascal  had,  no  doubt,  been 
out  into  the  highways  and  byways,  and  collected  this 
company  of  his  friends  and  kin-fish,  and  invited  them 
to  supper.  I  must  confess,  that  horribly  as  I  felt,  I 
could  not  help  but  think  of  a  tea  party,  of  demure  old 
maids,  sitting  in  a  solemn  circle,  with  their  skinny  hands 
in  their  laps,  licking  their  expecting  lips,  while  their 
hostess  bustles  about  in  the  important  functions  of  her 
preparations.  With  what  an  eye  have  I  seen  such  appur 
tenances  of  humanity  survey  the  location  and  adjustment 
of  some  especial  condiment,  which  is  about  to  be  sub 
mitted  to  criticism  and  consumption. 

"  My  sensations  began  to  be,  now,  most  exquisite 
indeed;  but  I  will  not  attempt  to  describe  them.  I  was 
neither  hot  nor  cold,  frightened  nor  composed  ;  but  I 
had  a  combination  of  all  kinds  of  feelings  and  emo 
tions.  The  present,  past,  future,  heaven,  earth,  my 
father  and  mother,  a  little  girl  I  knew  once,  and  the 


A    SHARK    STORY.  35 

sharks,  were  all  confusedly  mixed  up  together,  and 
swelled  my  crazy  brain  almost  to  bursting.  I  cried, 
and  laughed,  and  spouted,  and  screamed  for  Tim 
Titus.  In  a  fit  of  most  wise  madness,  I  opened  my 
broad-bladed  fishing  knife,  and  waved  it  around  my 
head  with  an  air  of  defiance.  As  the  tide  continued 
to  rise,  my  extravagance  of  madness  mounted.  At 
one  time,  I  became  persuaded  that  my  tide-waiters 
were  reasonable  beings,  who  might  be  talked  into  mercy 
and  humanity,  if  a  body  could  only  hit  upon  the  right 
text.  So,  I  bowed,  and  gesticulated,  and  threw  out  my 
hands,  and  talked  to  them,  as  friends,  and  brothers, 
members  of  my  family,  cousins,  uncles,  aunts,  people 
waiting  to  have  their  bills  paid ; — I  scolded  them  as  my 
servants ;  I  abused  them  as  duns  ;  I  implored  them  as 
jurymen  sitting  on  the  question  of  my  life  ;  I  congratu 
lated,  and  flattered  them  as  my  comrades  upon  some 
glorious  enterprise  ;  I  sung  and  ranted  to  them,  now  as 
an  actor  in  a  play-house,  and  now  as  an  elder  at  a 
camp-meeting  ;  in  one  moment,  roaring, 

'  On  this  cold  flinty  rock  I  will  lay  down  my  head,' — 

and  in  the  next,  giving  out  to  my  attentive  hearers  for 
singing,  a  hymn  of  Dr.  Watts  so  admirably  appropriate 
to  the  occasion, 

'  On  slippery  rocks  I  see  them  stand, 
While  fiery  billows  roll  below.' 

"  What  said  I,  what  did  I  not  say !  Prose  and  poe 
try,  scripture  and  drama,  romance  and  ratiocination — 
out  it  came.  <  Quamdiu,  Catalina,  nostra  patientia  abu- 
tere  ?' — I  sung  out  to  the  old  captain,  to  begin  with — 
«My  brave  associates,  partners  of  my  toil,' — so  ran  the 


36  A    SHARK    STORY. 

strain.  <  On  which  side  soever  I  turn  my  eyes,' — 
*  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,' — <  I  come  not  here  to  steal 
away  your  hearts,' — <  You  are  not  wood,  you  are  not 
stones,  but' — 'Hah!' — 'Begin,  ye  tormentors,  your 
tortures  are  vain,' — '  Good  friends,  sweet  friends,  let 
me  not  stir  you  up  to  any  sudden  flood,' — '  The  angry 
flood  that  lashed  her  groaning  sides,' — <  Ladies  and 
gentlemen,' — 'My  very  noble  and  approved  good  mas 
ters,' — '  Avaunt !  and  quit  my  sight ;  let  the  earth 
hide  ye,' — 'Lie  lightly  on  his  head,  0  earth!' — '0! 
heaven  and  earth !  that  it  should  come  to  this,' — '  The 
torrent  roared,  and  we  did  buffet  it  with  lusty  sinews, 
stemming  it  aside  and  oaring  it  with  hearts  of  contro 
versy,' — 'Give  me  some  drink,  Titinius,' — 'Drink, 
boys,  drink,  and  drown  dull  sorrow,' — '  For  liquor  it 
doth  roll  such  comfort  to  the  soul,' — <  Romans,  country 
men  and  lovers,  hear  me  for  my  cause,  and  be  silent 
that  you  may  hear,' — <  Fellow  citizens,  assembled  as 
we  are  upon  this  interesting  occasion,  impressed  with 
the  truth  and  beauty,' — <  Isle  of  beauty,  fare  thee  well,' 
— '  The  quality  of  mercy  is  not  strained,' — '  Magna 
veritas  et  prevalebit,' — <  Truth  is  potent,  and' — «  Most 
potent,  grave,  and  reverend  seigniors, — 

'  Oh,  now  you  weep,  and  I  perceive  you  feel 
The  dint  of  pity;  these  are  gracious  drops. 
Kind  souls  !  what !  weep  you  when  you  but  behold 
Our  Caesar's  vesture  wounded,' — 

Ha !  ha  !  ha ! — and  I  broke  out  in  a  fit  of  most  horrible 
laughter,  as  I  thought  of  the  mincemeat  particles  of  my 
lacerated  jacket. 

'<  In  the  mean  time,  the  water  had  got  well  up  towards 
my  shoulders,  and  while  I  was  shaking  and  vibrating 


A    SHARK    STORY.  37 

upon  my  uncertain  foot-hold,  I  felt  the  cold  nose  of  the 
captain  of  the  band  snubbing  against  my  side.  Despe 
rately,  and  \vithout  a  definite  object,  I  struck  my  knife 
at  one  of  his  eyes,  and,  by  some  singular  fortune,  cut 
it  out  clean  from  the  socket.  The  shark  darted  back, 
and  halted.  In  an  instant,  hope  and  reason  came  to 
my  relief;  and  it  occurred  to  me,  that  if  I  could  only 
blind  the  monster,  I  might  yet  escape.  Accordingly, 
I  stood  ready  for  the  next  attack.  The  loss  of  an  eye 
did  not  seem  to  affect  him  much,  for,  after  shaking  his 
head  once  or  twice,  he  came  up  to  me  again,  and  when 
he  was  about  half  an  inch  off,  turned  upon  his  back. 
This  was  the  critical  moment.  With  a  most  unaccount 
able  presence  of  mind,  I  laid  hold  of  his  nose  with  my 
left  hand,  and  with  my  right  scooped  out  his  remain 
ing  organ  of  vision.  He  opened  his  big  mouth,  and 
champed  his  long  teeth  at  me,  in  despair.  But  it  was 
all  over  with  him.  I  raised  my  right  foot  and  gave  him 
a  hard  shove,  and  he  glided  off  into  deep  water,  and 
went  to  the  bottom. 

»  Well,  gentlemen,  I  suppose  you'd  think  it  a  hard 
story,  but  its  none  the  less  a  fact,  that  I  served  every 
remaining  one  of  those  nineteen  sharks  in  the  same 
fashion.  They  all  came  up  to  me,  one  by  one,  regu 
larly  and  in  order,  and  I  scooped  their  eyes  out,  and 
gave  them  a  shove,  and  they  went  off  into  deep  water, 
just  like  so  many  lambs.  By  the  time  I  had  scooped 
out  and  blinded  a  couple  of  dozen  of  them,  they  began 
to  seem  so  scarce  that  I  thought  I  would  swim  for  the 
island,  and  fight  the  rest  for  fun,  on  the  way ;  but  just 
then,  Tim  Titus  hove  in  sight,  and  it  had  got  to  be 
almost  dark,  and  I  concluded  to  get  aboard  and  rest 
myself." 

c 


LANTY  OLIPHANT  IN  COURT. 

BY    MAJ.    KELLY,    OF    LOUISIANA. 

The  writer  of  the  diverting  sketch  annexed  has  taken  leave  of  his 
editorial  sanctum,  and  "gone  to  the  wars ;"  in  other  words,  to 
Mexico,  where,  we  trust,  he  will  render  as  good  an  account 
of  himself  as  he  has  of  "  LANTY  OLIPHAITT." 

LAWYERS  allege  that  there  are  four  classes  of  witnesses 
— those  who  prove  too  much,  those  who  prove  too  little, 
those  of  a  totally  negative  character,  and  those  of  no 
character  at  all,  who  will  prove  any  thing.  We  have  a 
case  in  point. 

Far,  very  far  away  from  the  tall  Blue  mountains,  at  a 
little  place  called  Sodom,  there  were  upon  a  time  three 
neighbours  called  in  as  arbitrators  to  settle  a  point,  rela 
tive  to  some  stolen  chickens,  in  dispute  between  one 
Lot  Corson  and  a  "  hard  case"  called  Emanuel  Allen, 
better  known  thereabout  as  King  of  the  Marsh. 

"  Mister  Constable,"  said  one  of  the  demi-judicials, 
"  now  call  the  principal  witness." 

"Lanty  Oliphant!  Lanty  Olip-h-a-n-t!"  bawled 
Dogberry.  "Mosey  in  and  be  swore." 

In  obedience  to  this  summons,  little  Lanty,  whose 
bottle  had  usurped  the  place  in  his  affections  commonly 
assigned  to  soap  and  water,  waddled  up,  and  was  quali 
fied,  deprecating  by  a  look  the  necessity  of  such  a  use 
less  ceremony  among  gentlemen. 
38 


LANTY  OLIPHANT  IN  COURT.  39 

"Mister  Oliphant,  you  are  now  swore.  Do  you 
know  the  value  of  an  oath  ;"  asked  the  senior  of  the 
board. 

"  Doesn't  I !"  rejoined  Lanty,  with  a  wink  at  a  by 
stander.  "  Four  bushel  of  weight  wheat,  the  old  score 
wiped  off,  and  licker  for  the  hul  day  throw'd  in." 

This  matter-of-fact  answer  met  a  severe  frown  from 
the  man  with  the  red  ribbon  round  his  hat. 

"  Well,  Mister  Oliphant,"  continued  the  senior,  "tell 

all  you  know  about  this  here  case.  Bill  M k,  shoo 

your  dog  off  that  d — d  old  sow." 

Lanty  here  testified.  "  Feelin'  a  sort  of  outish  t'other 
day,  ses  I  to  the  old  woman,  ses  I,  I'll  jist  walk  over  to 
Lot's  and  take  a  nipper  or  two  this  mornin',  ses  I.  It'll 
take  the  wind  off  my  stomach  sorter,  ses  I.  Then  the 
old  woman's  feathers  riz,  they  did,  like  a  porkypine's 
bristles,  and  ses  she,  Lanty,  says  she,  if  you'd  on'y  aim 
more  bread  and  meat,  and  drink  less  whisky,  you 
would'nt  have  wind  on  your  stomach.  Suse,  ses  I, 
this  is  one  of  my  resarved  rights,  and  I  goes  agin  home 
industry,  ses  I,  sort  o'  laughin'  out  o'  the  wrong  side  o' 
my  mouth.  '  Resarved  rights  or  desarved  wrongs,'  ses 
her,  '  you'r  always  a  drinkin'  and  talkin'  politics  when 
you  orter  be  at  work,  and  there's  never  nothin'  to  eat 
in  the  house.'  Well,  as  I  was  agoin  over  to  Lot's  jist 
fernent  where  the  fence  was,  ses  I  to  myself,  ses  I,  if 
there  is'nt  the  old  King's  critters  in  my  corn  field,  so  I'll 
jist  go  and  tell  him  on't.  When  I  gets  there,  Good 
mornin',  Lanty,  ses  he.  Good  mornin',  old  boss,  ses  I, 
and  when  I  went  in,  there  was  a  pot  on  the  fire  a  cookin', 
with  a  great  big  speckled  rooster  in  it." 

"  Mister  Oliphant !"  here  interposed  one  of  the  arbi- 


40  LANTY  OLIPHANT  IN  COURT. 

trators.  "  Remember  that  you  are  on  oath.  How  do 
you  know  that  the  chicken  in  the  pot  was  '  a  big  spec 
kled  rooster  ?' ' 

"  'Kase  I  seed  the  feathers  at  the  woodpile!"  promptly 
responded  Lanty,  who  then  continued : 

"  Well,  when  I  gits  to  Lot's,  Good  mornin',  Lot,  ses 
I.  Good  mornin',  Lanty,  ses  he.  You  didn't  see  nothin' 
no  where  of  nar'  a  big  speckled  rooster  that  didn't  be 
long  to  nobody,  did  you  ?  ses  he.  Didn't  I  ?  ses  I. 
Come,  Lanty,  ses  he,  let's  take  a  nipper,  ses  he ;  and 
then  I  up  and  tells  him  all  about  it." 

"  Had  Mr.  Allen  no  chickens  of  his  own  ?"  asked  the 
senior. 

"Sartin',"  rejoined  Lanty ;  "  but  there  warn't  a 
rooster  in  the  crowd.  They  was  all  layin*  hens!" 

"  Well,"  inquired  another  of  the  referees,  "  how  many 
of  these  hens  had  Mr.  Allen  ?" 

This  question  fairly  "  stump'd"  Lanty  for  a  moment, 
but  he  quickly  answered : 

"  Why,  with  what  was  there,  and  what  wasn't  there, 
counting  little  and  big,  spring  chickens  and  all,  tfiere 
iw?  forty  odd,  EXACTLY!" 

?Jo  further  questions  were  put  to  this  witness ! 


BILL  MORSE  ON  THE  CITY  TAXES. 

' 

BY  "  BAGGS,"  OF  BOSTON,  MASS. 

The  following1  sketch  is  the  first  of  a  series  which  have  appeared 
in  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  from  the  pen  of  a  young  gentle 
man  of  Boston,  from  whom  "great  things"  are  expected  "one 
of  these  days." 

SOME  time  ago,  long  before  the  "  Boundary  Question" 
was  settled,  there  lived  upon  the  extreme  frontiers  of 
Maine  a  young  man  ycleped  "  BILL  MORSE."  He  sup 
ported  a  primitive  sort  of  establishment,  and  his  \vhole 
circle  of  acquaintance  consisted  of  some  half  a  dozen 
half-civilized  individuals,  residing  in  the  vicinity.  His 
principal  occupations  were  killing  venison  and  felling 
trees ;  and  reading  and  writing  were  accomplishments 
to  which  Bill  laid  no  claim. 

In  the  course  of  time,  however,  a  rich  relation — a 
Southern  planter  probably — happened  to  leave  this  world 
for  a  better,  and,  fortunately  for  Bill,  left  no  will  behind 
him.  By  a  curious  and  intricate  course  of  legal  pro 
ceedings  and  without  any  interference  on  his  part,  Bill 
Morse  found  himself  a  wealthy  man.  The  "  gentleman 
of  the  green  bag"  who  travelled  down  to  impart  this 
information,  conducted  Bill  to  Bangor,  and  then  having 
appointed  himself  Bill's  agent,  left  things  to  themselves. 
The  young  gentleman  came  out  in  due  time  in  very  bold 
colours,  and  having  always  plenty  of  money  at  his  dis 
posal,  enjoyed  himself  without  stint. 

Among  other  rents  through  which  his  surplus  cash 

41 


42  BILL    MORSE    ON    THE    CITY    TAXES. 

formed  a  ready  passage,  was  a  large  tax,  which  in  the 
course  of  the  year  was  assessed  upon  him.  The  bill  was 
presented,  but  for  the  life  of  him,  Bill  couldn't  make 
out  its  meaning.  After  some  minutes'  attentive  scrutiny 
of  the  article,  he  proceeded  to  the  landlord  of  the  hotel 
where  he  visited. 

"  I  say,  landlord,"  said  he,  "  what's  this  ?" 

"  That,  Mr.  Morse,"  answered  the  landlord,  casting 
his  eyes  over  the  paper,  "  is  a  tax  bill." 

"  A  tax  bill,"  murmured  Bill,  regarding  it  with  an 
inquisitive  glance — "yes,  but  what's  that?" 

"Why,"  answered  the  landlord  smiling,  "it's  your 
proportion  of  the  expenses  of  the  city." 

"My  proportion!"  said  Bill.  "What,  does  every 
one  pay?" 

"  Certainly,"  replied  the  landlord,  "  every  one  who 
can  afford  it." 

"  Oh,  I  can  afford  it,"  said  Bill,  who  was  here  touched 
upon  a  tender  point;  "  I'll  send  and  have  it  paid." 
•  The  bill  was  settled,  and  in  proper  time  a  second 
made  its  appearance.  Bill  hastened  to  the  landlord. 
"Look  here,"  said  he  in  astonishment,  "here's  another 
of  them  tax  bills!" 

"  Of  course,"  replied  the  landlord  ;  "  they  come  once 
a  year." 

"  The  devil  they  do,"  cried  Bill ;  "  so  the  city  goes 
into  debt  every  year,  does  it  ?" 

"  Regularly,"  said  the  landlord  ;  "  it  can't  be  helped." 

"  Well,  then,  damn  me  !"  cried  Bill  in  a  high  passion, 
"if  the  city  hasn't  got  any  better  business  to  do  than  to 
keep  on  running  up  debts  for  me  to  help  her  out  because  1 
did  it  once,  stie'll  find  herself  extensively  mistaken — I'll 
see  her  d — d  before  I  give  her  another  red  cent!" 


ANCE  VEASY'S  FIGHT  WITH  REUB. 
SESSIONS. 

BY  "  AZUL,"  OF  MISSISSIPPI. 

The  writer  of  the  "good  'un"  subjoined  is  a  new  correspondent 
of  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  with  whose  name  and  local 
habitation  the  editor  is  as  familiar  as  he  is  with  the  veritable 
man-in-the-moon.  He  promises  to  be  a  valuable  acquisition 
to  the  number  of  our  native  humorists. 

"  ARE  you  in  favour  of  Biennial  Sessions  of  the  legis 
lature  ?"  asked  a  manager  of  an  election  in  Alabama,  of 
a  voter. 

"  Who  ?"  says  the  voter,  whose  name  was  ANCE  VEASY, 
and  withal,  tolerably  green. 

"  Are  you  in  favour  of  Biennial  Sessions  of  the  legis 
lature,  Sir  ?" 

"  Benial  Sessions !  I  don't  know  him.  Is  he  any 
kin  to  Reub.  Sessions?  Sir;  ef  he  is  I'll  bed — def  you 
ketch  me  a  votin  fur  him  !  You  never  hearn  me  tell  about 
that  fite  I  had  long  wid  Reub.  Sessions,  up  in  Shelby, 
did  you  ?" 

"  Never  mind  your  fights,  now,  Mr.  Veasy  :  answer 
yea  or  nay." 

"  I  dosen't  know  what  you  mean  by  your  ya  and  na's, 
but  I'll  be  dod  rotted  ef  I  vote  fur  enny  uv  the  Sessions 
family,  no  how  you  can  fix  it !  Bah !  Benial  Sessions, 
indeed !  jest  as  much  fit  fur  Guvnur  as  h-11  is  fur  a  ice 
house!" 

43 


44       AI*CE  VEASY'S  FIGHT  WITH  REUB.  SESSIONS. 

cc  Are  you  in  favour  of  the  removal  of  the  State  House, 
Mr.  Veasy  ?" 

"  Well  I  wonder  ef  tha  is  'gwine  too  move  the  State 
House  agin  ?  Why  tha  moved  it  only  two  or  three  years 
ago  to  Wetumpka.  I  don't  see  no  use  of  thar  movin  it 
enny  more — I  think  it's  in  a  very  good  place  myself,  I 
does  them,  punkins !" 

"  You  are  thinking  of  the  Penitentiary,  Mr.  Veasy. 
It's  the  State  House  they  wish  to  move!" 

"  Well,  it  taint  nothin  too  me  whether  tha  move  it  or 
not,  so  I  won't  vote  for  it,  nor  Benial  Sessions  nuther!" 

Several  now  pressed  around  Ance  to  get  him  to  tell 
about  his  fight  with  Reub.  Sessions,  up  in  Shelby.  He 
said  he  would  come  to  these  terms.  They  were  to  give 
him  a  good  drink  of  whisky,  and  he  was  to  give  them 
the  story.  They  agreed  to  it,  and  gave  him  the  whisky, 
and  he  commenced. 

"  You  see  a  passel  uv  us  fellers  made  up  a  camp-hunt 
betwixt  us,  and  Reub.,  he  went  with  us,  but  he  never 
tuck  no  gun,  kase  he  was  so  infurnal  lazy  that  he  woodn't 
even  take  a  stand  and  watch  fur  deer.  He  jest  went 
along  to  eat  wenzon  and  to  help  the  fellers  cook.  Well, 
the  fust  evenin  we  were  out,  we  killed  a  mitey  fine  tow 
hed  deer,  and  we  fotch  him  in  an  cooked  wun  quarter 
fur  supper.  Reub.  ett  'bout  half  uv  that  quarter ;  and 
arter  we  went  sleep,  and  'bout  midnite  I  got  awake  and 
razed  up,  and  thar  wuz  Reub.  eatin  away  like  he  was 
paid  fur  it.  I  never  sed  nuthin,  but  laid  down  and  went 
too  sleep  :  an  'bout  daylite  I  waked  up  and  begun  too 
get  reddy  too  go  out  and  kill  sum  game,  and  I'll  be  dod 
durned  ef  Reub.  wuzn't  eatin  away  still,  or  ruther,  pickin 
the  bones,  fur  he  had  ett  up  all  the  hole  deer  an  wuz 


;We  fit  round  and  round  about  the  barrels  and  boxes  'bout  half  an  hour."- 

Page  45. 


ANCE  VEASY'S  FIGHT  WITH  REUB.  SESSIONS.     45 

pickin  the  bones.  Git  up,  you  holler-legged,  pot-gutted, 
turkey-buzzard,  sez  I,  and  make  tracks  fur  home  jest  as 
fast  as  you  kin  poot  wun  leg  afore  the  tuther !  and  I  tuck 
the  feller  side  uv  the  hed  with  my  fist  and  sorter  turned 
him  over  ;  but  he  got  up  pooty  soon  and  done  sum  uv 
the  tallest  kind  uv  walking  fur  home. 

"  About  two  or  three  weeks  after  the  hunt  that  we 
wuz  all  at  Simmon's  grocery,  on  the  Montevallo  road,  an 
I  wuz  tellin  the  fellars  'bout  Reub.'s  eatin  a  hole  tow 
deer  an  nawin  the  bones  besides,  an  the  feller  got  rite 
ashy  'bout  it,  but  I  didn't  mind  him  nor  never  paid  no 
'tendon  to  him,  till  he  bucked  up  too  me  an  give  me  a 
feller  rite  under  the  ear,  an  I  tell  ye  it  made  my  hed 
kinder  dizzy.  When  he  gin  me  the  fust  lick  it  made  me 
sorter  mad,  but  I  woodn't  a  minded  ef  he  hadn't  kept 
pilin  on  the  agony  'bout  my  ears  and  smeller.  When 
I  did  git  my  Norf  Carliner  up,  the  way  I  pitched  it  in 
too  him  was  a  caution  to  mules.  We  fit  round  and  round 
about  the  barrels  an  boxes  'bout  half  an  hour,  when  I  got 
his  hed  under  my  arm  an  I  made  him  squeal  immediantly, 
but  I  wuzn't  gwine  too  let  him  off  without  givin  him 
sumthin  too  'member  Ance  Veasy  by,  an  I  tell  you  fellers, 
I  natally  peeled  the  skin  off  his  face  an  then  I  turned  him 
loose.  He  tuck  up  his  hat,  an  when  I  sorter  turned  my 
back  too  him,  he  picked  up  an  ole  axe  helve  an  gin  me 
a  wipe  aside  the  hed  that  laid  me  cole  fur  a  while  I  tell 
you.  But  I  picked  myself  up  an  started  sorter  arter  him, 
but  he  wuz  on  his  hoss  an  fast  banishing  out  uv  site  over 
the  hill. 

"  The  sheriff  cum  an  tuck  me  up  an  tried  me  for  trying 
to  kill,  but  tha  found  me  requitted,  an  let  me  loose,  coz 
I  gin  rnvself  up.  But  Reub.,  he  run  away,  kase  he  thort 


46       ANCE  VEASY'S  FIGHT  WITH  REUB.  SESSIONS. 

how  he  had  killed  me,  an  he  stayed  away  two  or  three 
months  ;  but  wen  he  heerd  as  how  I  wuzn't  ded,  he  cum 
back  an  the  sheriff  nabbed  him  an  carried  him  too  the 
Cort-house,  an  tride  him  fur  salt  and  batter  an  murder 
with  intent  too  kill.  Tha  found  him  requitted  of  murder, 
but  tha  found  him  gilty  uv  salt  an  batter.  I  didn't  see 
enny  salt  in  the  fite,  but  thar  wuz  sum  batterin  done, 
but  I  done  all  the  batterin  myself,  except  wot  he  done 
with  the  axe  helve.  I  don't  think  the  feller  wot  tride 
him  done  fair  by  him,  kase  tha  kused  him  uv  'tackin  me 
with  pistols  an  knives,  but  thar  wuzn't  narry  pistol  nor 
knife  on  the  ground  at  the  time.  Enny  how  the  Judge 
says  he, 

" '  Mr.  Sessions,  the  jury  has  found  you  gilty  uv  salt 
an  batter,  an  you  must  go  too  jail  fur  wun  munth  an  pay 
twenty-five  dollars  besides.' 

"  '  I  don't  keer  ef  you  make  it  two  munths,  by  —  !' 
says  Reub. 

"  '  Fine  him  ten  dollars,  Mr.Sheriff,  fur  swarin  in  Cort.' 

"  '  I  don't  keer  ef  you  make  it  twenty  dollars,  by  — !' 
says  Reub. 

"  '  Fine  him  twenty  dollars  and  three  munths  imprison 
ment,  Mr.  Sheriff','  says  the  Judge. 

"  That  made  Reub.  stap  cussin  in  the  Cort-House,  I 
tell  you,  an  the  Sheriff' tuck  him  off  too  jail  and  locked 
him  up,  an  he  had  too  stay  thar  four  munths  by  himself. 

"I  had  a  fite  wunst  over  on  the  Cahawba  river,  with 
a  Tennesee  wagoner's  dog — did  you  ever  hear  me  tell 
'bout  it?  but  never  mind  now,  fellers,  I'm  gitten  mity 
dry,  an  I  have  too  wate  until  I  git  a  nuther  horn,  an  I 
don't  keer  who  pays  fur  it,  I  don't." 


THE  FASTEST  FUNERAL  ON  RECORD. 

BY    F.  A.  DURIVAGE,  ESQ.,  OF    BOSTON,  MASS. 

Under  the  well-known  signature  of  "  The  Old  'Un,"  in  the 
"  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  Mr.  Durivage  has  acquired  the  highest 
reputation.  His  "  Ghost  of  the  Eleven  Strike,"  and  other 
original  comic  sketches,  have  been  read  with  delight  by 
thousands.  He  is  now  the  editor  of  the  Boston  "  Weekly 
Symbol" — a  very  "  Odd  Fellow's"  paper,  which  he  conducts 
with  signal  ability. 


"Hurrah  !  hurrah  !  the.dead  ride  fast — 

Dost  fear  to  ride  with  me]" — Burger's  Leonora. 
"  This  fellow  has  no  feeling  of  his  business." — Hamlet. 


Mr.  P. — I  HAD  just  crossed  the  long  bridge  leading 
from  Boston  to  Cambridgeport,  and  was  plodding  my 
dusty  way  on  foot  through  that  not  very  agreeable 
suburb,  on  a  sultry  afternoon  in  July,  with  a  very 
creditable  thunder-cloud  coming  up  in  my  rear,  when  a 
stout  elderly  gentleman,  with  a  mulberry  face,  a  brown 
coat,  and  pepper-and-salt  smalls,  reined  up  his  nag, 
and  after  learning  that  I  was  bound  for  Old  Cam 
bridge,  politely  invited  me  to  take  a  seat  beside  him  in 
the  little  sort  of  tax-cart  he  was  driving.  Nothing 
loath,  I  consented,  and  we  were  soon  en  route.  The 
mare  he  drove  was  a  very  peculiar  animal.  She  had 
few  good  points  to  the  eye,  being  heavy-bodied,  ham 
mer-headed,  thin  in  the  shoulders,  bald-faced,  and 

47 


48        THE  FASTEST  FUNERAL  ON  RECORD. 

rejoicing  in  a  little  stump  of  a  tail  which  was  almost 
entirely  innocent  of  hair.  But  there  were  "  lots  of 
muscle,"  as  Major  Longbow  says,  in  her  hind 
quarters. 

"  She  aint  no  Wenus,  Sir,"  said  my  new  acquaint 
ance,  pointing  with  his  whip  to  the  object  of  my  scrutiny 
— "  but  handsome  is  as  handsome  does.  Them's  my 
sentiments.  She's  a  rum  'un  to  look  at,  but  a  good  'un 
to  go." 

" Indeed  ?" 

"  Yes,  Sir!  That  there  mare,  sir,  has  made  good 
time — I  may  say,  very  good  time  before  the  hearse." 

"  Before  the  hearse  ?" 

"  Before  the  hearse !  S'pose  you  never  heard  of 
burying  a  man  on  time  !  I'm  a  sexton,  sir,  and  under 
taker — JACK  CROSSBONES,  at  your  service — '  Daddy 
Crossbones'  they  call  me  at  PORTER'S." 

"Ah!  I  understand.  Your  mare  ran  away  with  the 
hearse." 

"  Ran  away !  A  child  could  hold  her.  Oh  !  yes,  of 
course  she  ran  away,"  added  the  old  gentleman,  look 
ing  full  in  my  face  with  a  very  quizzical  expression, 
and  putting  the  fore  finger  of  his  right  hand  on  the  right 
side  of  his  party-coloured  proboscis. 

"  My  dear  Sir,"  said  I,  "you  have  excited  my 
curiosity  amazingly,  and  I  should  esteem  it  as  a  par 
ticular  favour  if  you  would  be  a  little  less  oracular  and 
a  little  more  explicit." 

"  I  don't  know  as  I'd  ought  to  tell  you,"  said  my 
new  acquaintance  very  slowly  and  tantalizingly.  "  If 
you  was  one  of  these  here  writing  chaps,  you  might 
poke  it  in  the  '  Spirit  of  the  Times,'  and  then  it  would 


THE    FASTEST    FUNERAL    ON    KECORD.  49 

be  all  day  with  me.  But  I  don't  care  if  I  do  make  a 
clean  breast  of  it.  Honour  bright,  you  know." 

"Of  course." 

"  Well,  then,  I  live  a  piece  up  beyond  Old  Cam 
bridge — you  can  see  our  steeple  off'  on  a  hill  to  the 
right,  when  we  get  a  little  further.  Well,  one  day,  I 
had  a  customer — (he  was  carried  off  by  the  typhus) — 
which  had  to  be  toted  into  town — cause  wThy  ?  he  had 
a  vault  there.  So  I  rubbed  down  the  old  mare  and 
put  her  in  the  fills.  Ah!  Sir!  that  critter  knows  as 
much  as  an  Injun,  and  more  than  a  Nigger.  She's  as 
sober  '  as  be  d — d'  when  she  get's  the  shop — that's 
what  I  call  the  hearse — behind  her.  You  would  not 
think  she  was  a  three-minute  nag,  to  look  at  her. 
Well,  sir,  as  luck  would  have  it,  by  a  sort  of  providen 
tial  inspiration,  the  day  before,  I'd  took  off  the  old 
wooden  springs  and  set  the  body  on  elliptics.  For  I 
thought  it  a  hard  case  that  a  gentleman  who'd  been 
riding  easy  all  his  life,  should  go  to  his  grave  on 
wooden  springs.  Ah !  I  deal  well  by  my  customers.  I 
thought  of  patent  boxes  to  the  wheels,  but  I  couldn't 
afford  it,  and  the  parish  are  desperate  stingy. 

"  Well,  I  got  him  in,  and  led  off  the  string — fourteen 
hacks,  and  a  dearbourn  wagon  at  the  tail  of  the  funeral. 
WTe  made  a  fine  show.  As  luck  would  have  it,  just  as 
we  came  abreast  of  Porter's,  out  slides  that  eternal  tor 
ment,  BILL  SIKES,  in  his  new  trotting  sulky,  with  the 
brown  horse  that  he  bought  for  a  fast  crab,  and  is 
mighty  good  for  a  rush,  but  hain't  got  nigh  so  much 
bottom  as  the  mare.  Bill's  light  weight,  and  his  sulky's 
a  mere  feather.  Well,  sir,  Bill  came  up  alongside,  and 
walked  his  horse  a  bit.  He  looked  at  the  mare  and 


50  THE   FASTEST    FUNERAL    ON    RECORD. 

then  at  me,  and  then  he  winked.  Then  he  looked  at 
his  nag  and  put  his  tongue  in  his  cheek,  and  winked. 
I  looked  straight  ahead,  and  only  said  to  myself,  '  Cuss 
you,  Bill  Sikes.'  By  and  by,  he  let  his  horse  slide. 
He  travelled  about  a  hundred  yards,  and  then  held  up 
till  I  came  abreast,  and  then  he  winked  and  bantered 
me  again.  It  was  d — d  aggravatin'.  Says  I  to  myself, 
says  I — '  that's  twice  you've  done  it,  my  buzzum  friend 
and  sweet-scented  shrub — but  you  doesn't  do  that  'ere 
again.'  The  third  time  he  bantered  me,  I  let  him  have 
it.  It  was  only  saying  '  Scat  you  brute,'  and  she  was 
off — that  mare.  He  had  all  the  odds,  you  know,  for 
I  was  toting  a  two  hundred  pounder,  and  he  ought  to 
have  beat  me  like  breaking  sticks,  now  hadn't  he  ?  He 
had  me  at  the  first  brush,  for  I  told  you  the  brown  horse 
was  a  mighty  fast  one  for  a  little  ways.  But  soon  I 
lapped  him.  I  had  no  whip,  and  he  could  use  his 
string — but  he  had  his  hands  full.  Side  by  side,  away 
we  went.  Rattle-te-bang !  crack !  abuz !  thump  !  And 
I  afraid  of  losing  my  customer  on  the  road.  But  I  was 
more  afraid  of  losing  the  race.  The  reputation  of  the 
old  mare  was  at  a  stake,  and  I  swore  she  should  have 
a  fair  chance.  We  went  so  fast  that  the  posts  and  rails 
by  the  road  side  looked  like  a  log  fence.  The  old 
church  and  the  new  one,  and  the  colleges,  spun  past 
like  Merry  Andrews.  The  hackmen  did  not  know 

what  the was  to  pay,  and,  afraid  of  not  being  in 

at  the  death,  they  put  the  string  onto  their  teams,  and 
came  clattering  on  behind  as  if  Satan  had  kicked  'em 
on  eend.  Some  of  the  mourners  was  sporting  charac 
ters,  and  they  craned  out  of  the  carriage  windows  and 
waved  their  handkerchiefs.  The  President  of  Harvard 


THE    FASTEST   FUNERAL    ON    RECORD.  51 

College  himself,  inspired  by  the  scene,  took  off  his 
square  tile  as  I  passed  his  house,  and  waving  it  three 
times  round  his  head,  cried,  '  Go  it,  Boots !'  It  is  a 
fact.  And  I  beat  him,  sir !  I  beat  him,  in  three  miles, 
a  hundred  rods.  He  gin  it  up,  sir,  in  despair." 

l<  His  horse  was  off  his  feed  for  a  week,  and  when  he 
took  to  corn  again  he  wasn't  worth  a  straw.  It  was 
acknowledged  on  all  hands  to  be  the  fastest  funeral  on 
record,  though  I  say  it  as  shouldn't.  I'm  an  under 
taker,  sir,  and  I  never  yet  was  overtaken." 

On  subsequent  inquiry  at  Porter's,  where  the  sporting 
sexton  left  me,  I  found  that  his  story  was  strictly  true 
in  all  the  main  particulars.  A  terrible  rumpus  was 
kicked  up  about  the  race,  but  Crossbones  swore  lustily 
that  the  mare  had  run  away — that  he  had  sawed  away 
two  inches  of  her  lip  in  trying  to  hold  her  up,  and  that 
he  could  not  have  done  otherwise,  unless  he  had  run 
her  into  a  fence  and  spilled  his  "  customer"  into  the 
ditch.  If  any  one  expects  to  die  anywhere  near  the 
sexton's  diggings,  I  can  assure  them  that  the  jolly  old 
boy  is  still  alive  and  kicking,  the  very  "Ace  of  Hearts" 
and  "Jack  of  Spades,"  and  that  now  both  patent  boxes 
and  elliptic  springs  render  his  professional  conveyance 
the  easiest  running  thing  on  the  road. 


GOING  TO  BED  BEFORE  A  YOUNG  LADY. 

BY   JUDGE    DOUGLASS,  OF    ILLINOIS. 

Next  to  judge  "  Horse  Allen,"  of  Missouri,  Judge  Douglass,  of 
Illinois,  is  decidedly  the  most  original  and  amusing  member 
of  the  western  bar — or  we  are  no  judge. 

As  I  was  saying,  ten  years  ago,  Judge  Douglass,  of 
Illinois,  was  a  beardless  youth  of  twenty  years  of  age, 
freshly  come  amongst  the  people  of  the  "  Sucker  State," 
with  an  air  about  him  suspiciously  redolent  of  Yankee- 
land.  A  mere  youthful  adventurer  amongst  those 
"  quare"  Suckers — one  would  deem  the  position  embar 
rassing.  Not  so  with  the  judge  ;  he  had  come  on  busi 
ness.  A  political  fortune  was  to  be  made,  and  no  time 
lost.  He  was  about  launching  on  the  sea  of  popular  fa 
vour,  and  he  commenced  a  general  coast  survey  the  day 
he  arrived.  He  soon  made  himself  District  Attorney, 
member  of  the  Legislature,  Register  of  the  U.  S.  Land 
Office,  Secretary  of  State,  and  Judge  of  the  Supreme 
Court. 

"How  do  you  adapt  yourself,"  said  I,  "Judge,  to 
the  people  ?  How  did  you  '  naturalize'  yourself,  as  it 
were  ?" 

"  Oh,  nothing  easier ;  you  see  I  like  it.  It's  demo 
cratic.  But  it  did  come  awkward  at  first.  You  know 
I  am,  or  rather  was,  bashful  to  rather  a  painful  degree. 
Well,  now,  nine-tenths  of  my  constituents  despise  luxu- 
52 


GOING    TO    BED    BEFORE    A    YOUNG    LADY.  53 

ries,  and  have  no  such  thing  as  a  second  room  in  their 
houses.  In  beating  up  for  votes,  I  live  with  my  consti 
tuents,  eat  with  my  constituents,  drink  with  them,  lodge 
with  them,  pray  with  them,  laugh,  hunt,  dance  and  work 
with  them ;  I  eat  their  corn  dodgers  and  fried  bacon, 
and  sleep  two  in  a  bed  with  them.  Among  my  first 

acquaintances  were  the  L s,  down  under  the  Bluffs. 

Fine  fellows,  the  L s, — by  the  way,  I  am  sure  of 

five  votes  there.  WTell,  you  perceive,  I  had  to  live 
there  :  and  I  did  live  there.  But,  sir,  I  was  frightened 
the  first  night  I  slept  there.  I  own  it ;  yes,  sir,  I 
acknowledge  the  corn.  An  ice  in  August  is  something : 
but  I  was  done  to  an  icicle ;  had  periodical  chills  for 
ten  days.  Did  you  ever  see  a  Venus  in  linsey-wool 
sey  ?" 

"No!" 

"  Then  you  shall  see  Serena  L s.     They  call  her 

the 'White  Plover:'  seventeen: — plump  as  a  pigeon, 
and  smooth  as  a  persimmon.  How  the  devil,  said  I  to 
myself,  soliloquizing  the  first  night  I  slept  there,  am  I  to 
go  to  bed  before  this  young  lady  ?  I  do  believe  my  heart 
was  topsyturvied,  for  the  idea  of  pulling  off  my  boots 
before  the  girl  was  death.  And  as  to  doffing  my  other 
fixtures,  I  would  sooner  have  my  leg  taken  off  with  a 
wood-saw.  The  crisis  was  tremendous.  It  was  nearly 
midnight,  and  the  family  had  been  hours  in  bed.  Miss 
Serena  alone  remained.  Bright  as  the  sun,  the  merry 
minx  talked  on.  It  was  portentously  obvious  to  me  at 
last,  that  she  had  determined  to  outsit  me.  By  repeated 
spasmodic  efforts,  my  coat,  waistcoat,  cravat,  boots  and 
socks  were  brought  off.  During  the  process,  my  beauti 
ful  neighbour  talked  to  me  with  unaverted  eyes,  and 
D 


54      GOING  TO  BED  BEFORE  A  YOUNG  LADY. 

with  that  peculiar  kind  of  placidity  employed  by  paint 
ers  to  imbody  their  idea  of  the  virgin.  I  dumped 
myself  down  in  a  chair,  in  a  cold  perspiration.  A  dis 
tressing  thought  occurred  to  me.  Does  not  the  damsel 
stand  on  a  point  of  local  etiquette  ?  It  may  be  the 
fashion  of  these  people  to  see  strangers  in  bed  before 
retiring  themselves  ?  May  I  not  have  kept  those  beau 
tiful  eyes  open,  from  ignorance  of  what  these  people 
deem  good  breeding?  Neither  the  lady's  eyes  nor 
tongue  had  indeed  betrayed  fatigue.  Those  large  jet 
eyes  seemed  to  dilate  and  grow  brighter  as  the  blaze  of 
the  wood  fire  died  away ;  but  doubtless  this  was  from 
kind  consideration  for  the  strange  wakefulness  of  her 
guest.  The  thing  was  clear.  I  determined  to  retire, 
and  without  delay.  I  arose  with  firmness,  unloosed 
my  suspenders,  and  in  a  voice  not  altogether  steady, 
said  : 

"  '  Miss  Serena,  I  think  I  will  retire.' 

"  '  Certainly,  sir,'  she  quietly  observed,  '  you  will 
lodge  there,  sir ;'  inclining  her  beautiful  head  towards 
a  bed  standing  a  few  yards  from  where  she  was  sitting. 
I  proceeded  to  uncase  ;  entrenching  myself  behind  a  chaii 
the  while,  fondly  imagining  the  position  offered  some 
security.  It  is  simply  plain  to  a  man  in  his  senses, 
that  a  chair  of  the  fashion  of  the  one  I  had  thrown 
between  myself  and  '  the  enemy,'  as  a  military  man 
would  say,  offered  almost  no  security  at  all.  No  more, 
in  fact,  than  standing  up  behind  a  ladder — nothing  in 
the  way  of  the  artillery  of  bright  eyes,  as  a  poet  would 
say,  sweeping  one  down  by  platoons.  Then  I  had  a 
dead  open  space  of  ten  feet  between  me  and  the  bed  ; 
a  sort  of  Bridge  of  Lodi  passage  which  I  was  forced  to 


GOING    TO    BED    BEFORE    A    YOUNG    LADY.  DO 

make,  exposed  to  a  cruel  raking  fire  fore  and  aft. 
Although  I  say  it,  who  should  not  say  it,  an  emergency 
never  arose  for  which  I  had  not  a  resource.  I  had 
one  for  this.  The  plan  was  the  work  of  a  moment, 
I  de " 

"  Ah !  I  see,  you  stormed  the  battery  and  s " 

"  Bah !  don't  interrupt  me.  No  ;  I  determined,  by  a 
bold  ruse  de  guerre,  to  throw  her  attention  out  of  the 
window,  clear  the  perilous  passage,  and  fortify  myself 
under  the  counterpane  before  she  recovered  her  surprise. 
The  plan  failed.  You  see  I  am  a  small  man,  physically 
speaking.  Body,  limbs,  and  head,  setting  up  business 
on  one  hundred  and  seven  and  a  half  pounds,  all  told, 
of  flesh,  blood,  and  bones,  cannot,  individually  or  col 
lectively,  set  up  any  very  ostentatious  pretensions.  I 
believe  the  young  lady  must  have  been  settling  in  her 
mind  some  philosophical  point  on  that  head.  Perhaps 
her  sense  of  justice  wished  to  assure  itself  of  a  perfectly 
fair  distribution  of  the  respective  motives.  Perhaps  she 
did  not  feel  easy  until  she  knew  that  a  kind  Providence 
had  not  added  to  general  poverty  individual  wrong. 
Certain  it  was,  she  seemed  rather  pleased  with  her 
speculations ;  for  when  I  arose  from  a  stooping  posture 
finally,  wholly  disencumbered  of  cloth,  I  noticed  mis 
chievous  shadows  playing  about  the  corners  of  her 
mouth.  It  was  the  moment  I  had  determined  to  direct 
her  eye  to  some  astonishing  circumstance  out  of  the 
window.  But  the  young  lady  spoke  at  the  critical 
moment 

"  '  Mr.  Douglass,'  she  observed,  '  you  have  gof  a 
mighty  small  chance  of  legs  there.' 

"  Men  seldom  have  any  notice  of  their  own  poweis  ; 


66  GOING    TO    BED    BEFORE    A   YOUNG   LADY. 

I  never  made  any  pretensions  to  skill  in  ground  and 
lofty  tumbling ;  but  it  is  strictly  true,  I  cleared,  at  one 
bound,  the  open  space,  planted  myself  on  the  centre 
of  the  bed,  and  was  buried  in  the  blankets  in  a 
twinkling." 

"  I  congratulate  you,  my  boy,"  said  I,  poising  a  cube 
of  the  crimson  core  of  the  melon  on  the  point  of  my 
knife  ;  "  a  lucky  escape  truly!  But  was  the  young  lady 
modest?" 

"  Modest,  sir ! — there  is  not  in  Illinois  a  more  modest, 
or  more  sensible  girl.  It's  habit — all  habit.  I  think 
nothing  of  it  now.  Why,  it's  only  last  week  I  was  at 
a  fine  wedding  party,  and  a  large  and  fine  assembly  of 
both  sexes  lodged  in  the  same  room,  with  only  three 
feet  or  so  of  neutral  territory  between  them." 

"  You  astonish  me,  Mr.  Douglass." 

"  Fact,  sir,  upon  my  honour.  You  see  these  people 
are  the  very  soul  of  hospitality,  and  never  allow  a  fine 
social  party  to  turn  out  at  twelve  o'clock  at  night  to  go 
long  distances  home.  All  that  is  more  cleverly  managed 
here.  An  Illinois  bed  has  a  power  of  elongation  or 
expansion  perfectly  enigmatical  to  strangers.  One  bed 
four  feet  wide,  will,  on  occasion,  flank  one  whole  side 
of  the  house,  and  is  called  a  field-bed,  and  large  parties 
will  range  themselves  on  opposite  sides  of  the  house  as 
economically  as  candles  in  a  box." 

"But,  my  dear  fellow,  this  is  drouthy  prose,  intro 
duce  yourself  to  that  little  fellow  in  the  corner,  and 
pass  him  over;  and  now  tell  me  all  about  old 
Canandaigua." 


GOING    TO    BED    BEFORE    A    YOUNG    LADY.  57 

THIS  story  of  Judge  Douglass  has  suggested  to  FIELD, 
of  the  St.  Louis  "  Reveille,"  the  following  adventure 
of  a  Missouri  politician  : — 

The  "  gentleman  of  Illinois"  is  not  the  only  gentle 
man  \vhose  legs  have  led  him  into  embarrassment.  A 
political  friend  of  ours,  equally  happy  in  his  manners, 
if  not  in  his  party,  among  the  Missouri  constituency, 
found  himself,  while  canvassing  the  State,  last  summer, 
for  Congress,  in  even  a  more  peculiarly  perplexing 
predicament  than  the  Illinois  judge. 

There  is  a  spot  in  the  south-western  part  of  this  State, 
known  as  The  Fiery  Fork  of  Honey  Run  ! — a  delicious 
locality,  no  doubt,  as  the  run  of  "  honey"  is  of  course 
accompanied  by  a  corresponding  flow  of  "  milk,"  and 
a  mixture  of  milk  and  honey,  or  at  any  rate,  honey  and 
"  peach,"  is  the  evidence  of  sublunary  contentment, 
every  place  where  they  have  preaching ! 

"  Honey  Run,"  further  Christianized  by  the  presence 
of  an  extremely  hospitable  family  whose  mansion,  com 
prising  one  apartment — neither  more  nor  less — is  re 
nowned  for  being  never  shut  against  the  traveller,  and 
so  our  friend  found  it  during  the  chill  morning  air,  at 
the  expense  of  a  rheumatism  in  his  shoulder,  its  nume 
rous  unaffected  cracks  and  spaces  clearly  showing,  that 
dropping  the  latch  was  a  useless  formality.  The  vene 
rable  host  and  hostess,  in  their  one  apartment,  usually 
enjoy  the  society  of  two  sons,  four  daughters,  sundry 
dogs  and  "  niggers,"  and  as  many  lodgers  as  may 
deem  it  prudent  to  risk  the  somewhat  equivocal  allot 
ment  of  sleeping  partners.  On  the  night  in  question, 
our  friend,  after  a  hearty  supper  of  ham  and  eggs,  and 
a  canvass  of  the  Fiery  Forkers,  the  old  lady 


58  GOING    TO    BED    BEFORE    A    YOUNG    LADY. 

pointed  out  his  bed,  felt  very  weary,  and  only  looked 
for  an  opportunity  to  "  turn  in,"  though  the  mosquitoes 
were  trumping  all  sorts  of  wrath,  and  no  net  appeared 
to  bar  them.  The  dogs  flung  themselves  along  the 
floor,  or  again  rose,  restlessly,  and  sought  the  door-step  ; 
the  "  niggers"  stuck  their  feet  in  the  yet  warm  ashes ; 
the  old  man  stripped,  unscrupulously,  and  sought  his 
share  of  the  one  collapsed-looking  pillow,  and  the  sons, 
cavalierly  followed  his  example,  leaving  the  old 
woman,  "  gals,"  and  "  stranger,"  to  settle  any  question 
of  delicacy  that  might  arise. 

The  candidate  yawned,  looked  at  his  bed,  went  to 
the  door,  looked  at  the  daughters;  finally,  in  downright 
recklessness,  seating  himself  upon  "the  downy,"  and 
pulling  off  his  coat.  Well,  he  pulled  off  his  coat — and 
he  folded  his  coat — and  then  he  yawned — and  then  he 
whistled — and  then  he  called  the  old  lady's  attention  to 
the  fact,  that  it  would  never  do  to  sleep  in  his  muddy 
trousers — and  then  he  undid  his  vest — and  then  he 
whistled  again — and  then,  suddenly,  an  idea  of  her 
lodger's  possible  embarrassment  seemed  to  flash  upon 
the  old  woman,  and  she  cried — 

"  Gals,  jest  turn  your  backs  round  'till  the  stranger 
gits  into  bed." 

The  backs  were  turned,  and  the  stranger  did  get 
into  bed  in  "  less  than  no  time,"  when  the  hostess  again 
spoke. 

"  Reckon,  stranger,  as  you  aint  used  to  us,  you'd 
better  Iriver  up  till  the  gals  undress,  hadn't  you  ?" 

By  this  time  our  friend's  sleepy  fit  was  over,  and 
though  he  did  "kiver  up,"  as  desired,  somehow  or 
other,  the  old  counterpane  was  equally  kind  in  hiding 


GOING    TO    BED    BEFORE   A    YOUNG   LADY.  59 

his  blushes,  and  favouring  his  sly  glances.  The 
nymphs  were  soon  stowed  away,  for  there  were  neither 
bustles  to  unhitch  nor  corsets  to  unlace,  when  their 
mamma,  evidently  anxious  not  to  smother  her  guest^ 
considerately  relieved  him. 

"  You  can  unkiver  now,  stranger ;  I'jn  married  folks, 
and  you  aint  afeared  o'  me,  I  reckon !" 

The  stranger  happened  to  be  "  married  folks,"  him 
self;  he  wnfcivered,  and  turned  his  back  with  true 
connubial  indifference,  as  far  as  the  ancient  lady  was 
concerned,  but,  with  regard  to  the  "  gals,"  he  declares 
tha*  his  half-raised  curiosity  inspired  the  most  torment 
ing  Breams  of  mermaids  that  ever  he  experienced. 


A  MILLERITE  MIRACLE. 

BY    C.  A.  P.,  OF   KENTUCKY. 

In  the  following  sketch  is  displayed  in  bold  relief  the  mum 
meries  practised  by  Miller,  Himes,  and  others,  who  have 
followed  in  the  footsteps  of  Matthias  "  the  prophet,"  and 
humbugs  of  like  stamp.  It  is  from  the  pen  of  a  new  corre 
spondent  of  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times." 

IN  a  little  village  in  the  state  of  Hoosierana,  in  the 
year  1844,  there  was  "  all  sorts"  of  excitement  concern 
ing  the  doctrines  and  prophesies  of  that  arch-deceiver, 
Miller.  For  months  the  Midnight  Cry,  followed  by 
the  Morning  Howl,  and  the  Noonday  Yell,  had  circu 
lated  through  the  village  and  surrounding  counties,  to 
an  extent  not  even  equalled  by  Dr.  D.'s  celebrated 
speech.  Men  disposed  of  their  property  for  little  or 
nothing.  The  women  were  pale  and  ghastly  from 
watching  and  praying,  and  in  fact,  the  whole  population, 
or  at  least  those  who  believed  in  the  coming  ascension, 
looked  as  if  they  were  about  half-over  a  second  attack 
of  the  chills  and  fever.  There  were,  however,  some 
"  choice  spirits,"  (not  choice  in  theirs,  however,)  who, 
notwithstanding  the  popularity  of  the  delusion,  would 
not  enlist  under  the  banners  of  the  ascensionists,  and 
among  these  was  a  wild,  harumscarum  blade  from 
"  Down  East,"  by  the  name  of  Cabe  Newham.  Now 
Cabe  was  as  hard  "  a  case"  as  you  would  meet  on  a 
fourth  of  July  in  Texas,  always  alive  for  fun  and  sport 
60 


A    MILLERITE    MIRACLE.  61 

of  any  and  every  description,  and  a  strong  disbeliever 
in  Millerism. 

The  night  of  the  third  of  April  was  the  time  agreed 
upon  out  west  here,  for  the  grand  exhibition  of  "  ground 
and  lofty  tumbling,"  and  about  ten  o'clock  of  the  said 
night,  numbers  of  the  Millerites  assembled  on  the  out 
skirts  of  the  town,  on  a  little  eminence,  upon  which  the 
proprietor  had  allowed  a  few  trees  to  stand.  In  the 
crowd,  and  the  only  representative  of  his  race  present, 
was  a  free  negro  by  the  name  of  Sam,  about  as  ugly, 
black,  woolly,  and  rough  a  descendant  of  Ham  as  ever 
baked  his  shins  over  a  kitchen  fire. 

Sam's  head  was  small,  body  and  arms  very  long,  and 
his  legs  bore  a  remarkable  resemblance  to  a  pair  of 
haraes ;  in  fact,  put  Sam  on  a  horse,  his  legs  clasped 
round  its  neck,  his  head  towards  the  tail,  and  his  arms 
clasped  round  the  animal's  hams,  and  at  ten  paces  off 
you  would  swear  he  was  an  old  set  of  patent  gearing. 

The  leader  of  the  Millerites,  owing  to  an  "  ancient 
grudge  he  bore  him,"  hated  Sam  "like  smoke,"  and 
had  done  all  in  his  power  to  prevent  his  admittance 
among  the  "  elect,"  but  all  to  no  purpose  ;  Sam  would 
creep  in  at  every  meeting,  and  to-night  here  he  was 
again,  dressed  in  a  white  robe  of  cheap  cotton,  secured 
to  his  body  by  a  belt,  and  shouting  and  praying  as  loud 
as  the  best. 

Now  on  the  morning  of  the  third,  Cabe  had,  with  a 
deal  of  perseverance,  and  more  trouble,  managed  to 
throw  a  half-inch  hemp  cord  over  the  branch  of  an  oak, 
which  stretched  its  long  arm  directly  over  the  spot  where 
the  Millerites  would  assemble  ;  one  end  he  had  secured 
to  the  body  of  the  tree,  and  the  other  to  a  stump  some 


62  A   MILLERITE   MIRACLE. 

distance  off.  About  ten  o'clock,  when  the  excitement 
was  getting  about  "  eighty  pounds  to  the  inch,"  Cabe, 
wrapped  in  an  old  sheet,  walked  into  the  crowd,  and 
proceeded  to  fasten,  in  as  secure  a  manner  as  possible, 
the  end  of  the  rope  to  the  back  part  of  the  belt  which 
confined  Sam's  robe,  and  having  succeeded,  "  sloped" 
to  join  some  of  his  companions  who  had  the  other  end. 
The  few  stars  in  the  sky  threw  a  dim  light  over  the 
scene,  and  in  a  few  moments  the  voice  of  Sarn  was 
heard,  exclaiming  "  Gor  Almighty !  I'se  a  goin'  up ! 
Who-o-oh !"  and  sure  enough,  Sam  was  seen  mounting 
into  the  "  ethereal  blue ;"  this  was,  however,  checked 
when  he  had  cleared  "  terra  firma"  a  few  feet. 
"Glory!"  cried  one,  "Hallelujah!"  another,  and 
shrieks  and  yells  made  night  hideous;  some  fainted, 
others  prayed,  and  not  a  few  dropped  their  robes  and 
"  slid."  Now,  whether  it  was  owing  to  the  lightness 
of  his  head,  or  the  length  and  weight  of  his  heels,  or 
both,  Sam's  position  was  not  a  pleasant  one ;  the  belt 
to  which  Cabe's  cord  was  attached  was  bound  exactly 
round  his  centre  of  gravity,  and  Sam  swung  like  a  pair 
of  scales,  head  up  and  heels  down,  heels  up  and  head 
down,  at  the  same  time  sweeping  over  the  crowd  like  a 
pendulum,  which  motion  was  accelerated  by  his  stren 
uous  clapping  of  hands  and  vigorous  kicking.  At 
length  he  became  alarmed,  he  wouldn't  go  up,  and  he 
couldn't  come  down !  "  Lor  a  massy,"  cried  he,  "  jist 
take  up  poor  nigger  to  um  bosom,  or  lef  him  down 
again,  easy,  easy.  Lef  him  down  again,  please  um 
Lor,  and  dis  nigger  will  go  straight  to  um  bed! 
Ugh-h-h,"  and  Sana's  teeth  chattered  with  affright,  and 
he  kicked  again  more  vigorously  than  before,  bringing 


A   MILLERITE   MIRACLE.  63 

his  head  directly  downward  and  his  heels  up,  when  a 
woman  shrieking  out,  "  Oh !  Brother  Sam,  take  me 
with  you,"  sprung  at  his  head  as  he  swept  by  her, 
and  caught  him  by  the  wool,  bringing  him  up  "  all 
standing."  "  Gosh  !  Sister,"  cried  Sam,  "  lef  go  urn 
poor  nigger's  har."  Cabe  gave  another  pull  at  the 
rope,  but  the  additional  weight  was  too  much,  the  belt 
gave  way  and  down  came  Sam,  his  bullet  head  taking 
the  leader  of  the  saints  a  "  feeler"  just  between  the 
eyes.  "  Gosh,  is  I  down  agin  ?"  cried  the  bewildered 
Sam,  gathering  himself  up.  "I  is,  bress  de  Lor!  but 
I  was  nearly  dar,  I  seed  de  gate !"  The  leader  wiped 
his  overflowing  proboscis,  took  Sam  by  the  nape  of  the 
neck,  led  him  to  the  edge  of  the  crowd,  and  giving  him 
a  kick,  said,  "  Leave,  you  cussed  baboon !  you  are  so 
ugly  I  know' d  they  wouldn't  let  you  in." 


OLD  SINGLETIRE, 

THE  MAN  THAT  WAS  NOT  ANNEXED. 
BY  THE  LATE  ROBERT  PATTERSON,  ESQ.,  OF  LOUISIANA. 

The  writer  of  the  following  incident  was  a  long  time  associated 
with  the  author  of  "  Tom  Owen,  the  Bee  Hunter" — T.  B. 
Thorpe,  Esq. — in  editing  the  "  Concordia  Intelligencer."  He 
was  a  remarkably  clever  man,  and  his  early  death  last  season 
has  deprived  his  contemporaries  of  a  most  entertaining  and 
worthy  member  of  the  "  press  gang." 

A  GOOD  story  is  told  of  this  bold  frontiersman,  who 
had  made  himself  notorious,  and  given  his  character  the 
bend  sinister,  by  frequent  depredations  on  both  sides  the 
boundary  line  between  Texas  and  the  United  States. 
The  old  fellow  had  migrated  thither  from  parts  unknown, 
years  since,  knew  every  foot  of  country  for  fifty  miles 
on  either  side  in  his  vicinity,  and  had  communication 
by  runners  with  many  "  birds  of  the  same  feather ,"  then 
common  in  the  region. 

The  old  fellow  saw,  with  sorrow  and  regret,  the  rapid 
influx  of  population  within  the  last  ten  years,  and  was 
compelled  gradually  to  narrow  his  sphere  of  usefulness, 
for,  said  he,  "  People's  a  gittin  too  thick  about  me — tha 
and  their  varmints  and  critters  is  fillin  up  the  woods  and 
spilin  the  huntin — and  then  tha  aint  no  chance  for  a  fel- 
lar  to  speculate  upon  travellers  as  tha  used  to  be  when 
tha  wan't  any  body  to  watch  a  fellar  : — why,  tha  is  get- 
64 


OLD   SINGLETIRE.  65 

en  to  be  so  civylizated  that  a  fellar  can't  drink  a  barrel 
jf  double-rectified  'thout  havin'  em  all  abusin'  him 
ibout  it — and  then  ef  he  doas  happen  jist  by  accident  to 
drap  half  an  ounce  of  lead  into  a  feller,  why  tha  is  all 
up  in  arms  about  it.  Now  t'other  day  when  I  wanted  to 
mark  Joe  Sliteses'  ears  like  tha  marks  their  hogs,  'case 
he  called  me  a  \il\-yan,  they  wanted  to  jewdicate  me 
afore  the  court.  But  cuse  'em  for  a  set  of  blasted  fools 
they  aint  a  gwoin  to  fool  '  Old  Singletire'  ef  he  is 
a  gitten  old  and  ain't  as  quick  on  the  trigger  as  he  used 
to  was. 

"  Blast  their  skins,  I  don't  care  ef  tha  does  annexate 
Texas  !  I'll  show  'em  somethin — tho'  tha  thinks  tha  is 
got  me  slick  when  tha  git  the  two  countries  wedged  up 
into  one — but  I'll  fix  em,  I'll  quit  and  go  to  ARKANSAW 
— whar  a  decent  white  man  kin  live  'thout  bein'  pestered, 
and  bused  and  jewdicated  /" 

"  Old  Single"  as  he  was  called,  for  short,  had  seve 
ral  years  previous  to  the  late  discussion  of  the  annexa 
tion  question,  with  singular  'cuteness  ascertained  the  pre 
cise  line  dividing  the  two  territories,  and  built  his  cabin 
thereon  in  such  a  position  that  when  lying  down — fie 
slept,  one  half  in  the  United  States,  and  the  other  half  in 
Texas,  for  he  lay  at  right  angles  with  the  line. 

The  authorities  of  both  sides  had  frequently  found  him 
in  that  position,  but  as  their  separate  claims  lay  severally 
on  the  entire  individual,  they  were  not  content  to  arrest 
one  half  of  him  at  a  time.  A  great  deal  of  courtesy  was 
at  times  exhibited  by  the  officers,  each  pressing  the  other 
to  break  the  forms  of  international  law  by  pulling  Old 
Single  bodily  over  either  side  the  line.  Each  was  up  to 
trap,  and  feared  the  other  wished  to  trick  him,  and  de- 


66  .  OLD    SINGLETIRE. 

clined  the  effort  which  might  cause  a  rupture  between 
Texas  and  the  Union. 

On  one  occasion  they  were  exceedingly  pressing  on 
the  subject,  at  first  politely  so,  then  teasing  each  other, 
and  then  daring  by  taunt,  and  jeer,  and  jibe,  until  they 
worked  themselves  into  such  furious  excitement  that 
"  Old  Single,"  their  pretended  victim,  had  to  com 
mand  and  preserve  the  peace — "  Gentle-wen,"  said 
he,  "you  may  fun,  and  fret,  and  quarrel  jist  as  much  as 
you  please  in  my  house — but  when  tha  is  any  lickin  to 
be  done  'bout  these  diggins,  why  '  Old  Single'  is 
thar  sure  ! — so  look  out  boys,  ef  you  strikes  you  dies  : 
— show  your  sense,  make  friends,  and  let's  liker, 
You,"  nodding  to  one,  "hand  me  a  gourd  of  water; 
and,  You,"  to  another,  "  pass  that  bottle  and  I'll  drink 
to  your  better  'quaintance." 

The  day  passed,  "  Old  Single"  crosses  the  line, 
and  one  of  the  beauties  on  each  side  his  cot,  all  going 
it  like  forty  at  twenty-deck  poker — a  sociable  game  as 
Sol.  Smith  says^-and  as  remarked  our  informant,  "the 
old  man  was  a  perfect  Cumanche  horse  at  any  game  whar 
tha  was  curds." 

For  the  last  three  months  "  Old  Single"  had  been 
mightily  distressed — "  mighty  oneasy  bout  annexation*'' 
— for  he  knew  he  would  be  compelled  to  travel — well 
the  news  of  the  action  of  Texas  on  this  great  question 
was  received  in  "  Old  Single's"  vicinity  on  29th  of 
June — the  day  it  reached  Fort  Jessup. 

Next  morning  "  the  boys"  from  Boston  and  De  Kalb, 
a  couple  of  border  villages — after  a  glory  gathering 
about  annexation,  determined  to  storm  "Old  Single" 
and  "  rout"  him.  They  accordingly,  en  masse  a-la- 


OLD    SINGLETIRE.  67 

regulator,  started  off  for  his  cabin,  and  on  arriving  near 
it,  a  consultation  was  held,  and  it  was  determined  that 
bloodshed  was  useless — as  it  was  certain  to  occur  if 
violence  was  resorted  to — and  that  a  flag  of  truce  should 
be  sent  into  the  fortress,  offering  terms. 

The  old  man  was  found  in  a  gloomy  mood,  with 
a  pack  strapped  to  his  back,  in  woodsman  style.  "Old 
Centresplit,  his  friend  of  thirty  years'  standing,  his  rifle, 
his  favourite — his  all — was  laid  across  his  knees,  and 
he  in  deep  thought,  his  eyes  resting  on  vacancy.  As 
the  delegation  entered,  he  looked  up,  "  Well,  boys, 
the  time  is  cum,  and  Texas  and  you  is  annixated, 
but  I  aint,  and  I  aint  a  gwoin  to  be  nuther ! — so  take 
care  how  you  raise  my  dander;  I  can  shoot  sum 
yet  /" 

The  party  explained,  and  it  was  agreed  the  old  fel 
low  should  take  up  the  march  upon  the  line  for  the 
nearest  point  on  Red  River,  the  party  escorting  him 
at  twenty  paces  distant  on  either  side — that  the  last 
mile  should  be  run — that  if  he  struck  the  water's  edge 
first,  he  should  go  free — if  otherwise,  he  was  to  be 
taken  and  rendered  up  a  victim  to  the  offended  dig 
nity  of  the  laws.  "  Agreed,"  said  Old  Single,  "  it's  a 
bargain.  Boys,  tha  is  a  gallon  in  that  barrel,  let's 
finish  it  in  a  friendly  way,  and  then  travel."  The 
thing  was  done,  the  travel  accomplished,  and  the  race, 
fast  and  furious,  was  being  done.  The  old  fellow  led 

*  O 

the  crowd,  hallooing  at  his  topmost  voice  as  he  gained 
the  river — "HOOPEE! — HURRAH! — I  aint  annixated! — 
Pm  off- — /  aint  no  whar — nuther  in  the  States  nor  Texas, 
BUT  IN  ARKANSAW  ! ! !"  swam  to  the  opposite  shore,  fired 
a  volley,  gave  three  cheers,  and  retired  victorious. 


"RUNNING  A  SAW"  ON  A  FRENCH 
GENTLEMAN. 

BY  "  GINSANGANDSON,"  OF   PHILADELPHIA. 

One  of  the  most  amusing  correspondents  of  the  "  Spirit  of  the 
Times"  is  "  the  gentleman  with  the  hard  name,"  whose 
nomme  de  plume  is  quoted  above.  In  more  respects  than  we 
care  to  state,  he  is,  emphatically,  "a  host  in  himself,"  as  every 
Philadelphian,  and  the  travelling  community  generally,  will 
bear  willing  testimony. 

A  FRENCHMAN  who  had  been  residing  some  years  in 
London,  and  appeared  to  be  very  vain  of  his  knowledge 
of  mankind,  was  detailing  to  some  of  his  compatriots  in 
this  country  a  little  adventure  which  happened  to  him 
in  The  Great  Metropolis.  I  give  you  the  story  in  his 
own  words  as  much  as  possible,  his  manner  you  must 
conceive. 

"  When  I  was  in  Londres,  I  go  vun  day  into  wat  ze 
Anglais  call  ze  cafe,  an  I  give  ze  order  to  ros  me  von 
docke ;  ze  Anglais  ros  ze  docke  ver  well ;  ven  de 
docke  was  place  before  me  I  find  him  von  ver  fine 
docke,  and  ver  well  ros;  he  was  ver  browrn,  ver  full  of 
ze  stuff  aux  ognons,  an  ze  flaveur  was  ver  fine.  I  put 
ze  fork  into  ze  docke  and  I  commence  to  cut  ze  docke, 
mais  when  I  have  begin  to  cut  ze  docke  I  hear  some 

person  make  loud  strong  noise  comme  §a — Oh !  as 

if  ze  heart  was  break.  I  put  down  ze  knife  on  ze  plate, 
68 


"RUNNING  A  SAW"  ON  A  FRENCHMAN.          69 

an  I  look  roun  to  see  who  make  ze  noise  cotnme  §a — 

Oh !     Ven  I  look  roun  I  see  right  opposite  to  me 

von  gentlman,  who  was  ver  well  dress ;  he  ave  ver 
good  cote,  ver  good  pantalon,  and  ver  good  boot,  but 
he  have  dam  leetle  hat  wiz  a  hole  in  ze  top ;  /  no  like 
dat,  mais  he  was  a  gentlman ;  ze  noise  could  not  be 
made  by  him,  an  I  proceed  to  cut  ze  docke,  mais,  ver 
I  ave  proceed  to  cut  ze  docke  ze  second  time,  I  hear 

une  autre  fois  ze  same  noise,  comme  c,a — Oh !  plus 

forte,  grate  deal  loudaire  zan  ze  first  time.  I  look  roun, 
mais  I  see  nobody  but  ze  gentlman ;  I  look  at  ze 
gentlman,  an  ze  gentlman  look  at  me.  He  vas  gentl 
man,  for  he  ave  ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pantalon, 
and  ver  good  boot,  mais  he  ave  dam  leetle  hat  on  ze 
head  wiz  a  hole  in  ze  top,  an  ze  hair  come  out ;  /  no 
like  dat,  mais  he  vas  gentlman.  Eh  bien!  I  ave  say 
to  ze  gentlman — '  Monsieur,  pour  quoi  you  make 

comme    9 a — Oh !  ?'    and   ze    gentlman   ave   make 

me  answer  an  say,  '  Sare,  I  ave  eat  nosing  for  tree  day, 
an  I  am  ver  hungry.'  Mon  dieu,  I  say  to  myself,  ze 
gentlman  ave  reason,  he  ave  eat  nosing  for  tree  day. 
Sacre-bleu  he  must  ave  ver  grate  hungaire,  an  ven  I 
ave  say  dis  to  myself  I  look  at  ze  docke,  he  was  ver 
fine  docke,  an  ver  well  ros.  Zen  I  say  to  myself  ze 
seconde  time,  I  shall  give  ze  half  of  ze  docke  to  ze 
gentlman,  an  zen  I  give  ze  invitation  to  ze  gentlman, 
to  partage  ze  docke  wiz  me.  Ven  ze  gentlman  ave 
receive  ze  invitation  he  rite  way  place  himself  vis  a  vis 
to  me,  an  ma  fois!  ausi  quick  as  ze  lightnin  he  ave  eat 
ze  hole  of  my  docke,  Bigod,  quel  faim !  Ze  gentlman 
ave  speak  ze  truf,  he  was  ver  hungry !  En  verite,  I 
should  like  to  eat  piece  of  my  docke,  mais  ven  I  zink 
E 


70          "RUNNING  A  SAW"  ON  A  FRENCHMAN. 

ze  gentlrnan  ave  eat  nosing  for  tree  day,  an  as  for  me 
I  ave  dejuner  tres  forte,  I  ring  ze  bell  an  I  give  ze  order 
for  a  noser  docke ;  in  ze  mean  time,  however,  ze 
gentlman  ave  drink  ze  hole  of  my  wine.  Eh  bien,  I 
I  deman  ze  oder  bouteille,  an  zen  ze  oder  docke  come ; 
ver  fine  docke,  mais  not  so  good  as  ze  last, — n'importe, 
ze  docke  was  ver  good,  mais  dis  time  I  ave  cut  ze 
docke  for  me,  an  ze  gentlman  ave  got  ze  oser  piece, 
he  was  so  hungry,  quel  dammage,  so  mooch  a  gentl 
man,  so  well  he  dress.  He  ave  ver  good  cote,  ver 
good  pantalon,  an  ver  good  boot,  mais  ze  dam  leetle 
hat  wiz  ze  hole  in  ze  top  ;  /  no  like  dat,  but  he  WAS 
gentlman.  Eh  bien,  apres  §a  ze  gentlman  was  satisfy 
he  ave  eat  nearly  ze  two  docke,  an  I  was  satisfy,  an 
ven  I  ave  settle  ze  conte  ze  lanlor  was  satisfy  aussi ;  an 
zen  I  ave  say  to  ze  gentlman,  '  Monsieur,  I  sail  ave 
ze  plaisir  to  see  you  some  oser  time,  demain  chez  vous, 
at  your  house,'  and  ze  gentlman  he  make  grate  noise, 

un  autre  fois  for  ze  zurd  time,  comme  ga — Oh !  an 

he  say  to  me,  '  Sare,  I  ave  no  house.'  Eh  bien!  I 
reply  to  him,  vare  do  you  slip  ?  an  he  say  to  me, 
4  Sare,  I  slip  in  ze  street.'  Bigod,  I  say  to  myself, 
wat  grate  pitie  such  hansome  gentlman  slip  in  ze 
street ;  an  zen  I  look  at  him  again,  an  I  know  he  is 
gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good  cote,  such  ver  good 
pantalon,  an  such  ver  good  boot,  but  zen  I  see  ze  dam 
leetle  hat  wiz  ze  hole  in  ze  top,  I  no  like  dat!  but  he 
was  gentlman.  Nevare  min,  I  shall  take  ze  gentlman 
chez  moi  to  my  house !  bigod  he  shall  not  slip  in  ze 
street !  So  I  give  him  ze  invitation  to  go  to  my  house, 
which  he  ave  accept  with  great  plaisir.  Ven  I  ave  take 
him  chez  moi  I  make  in  ze  corner  what  ze  Anglais  call 


"  RUNNING    A    SAW"    ON    A    FRENCHMAN.  71 

ze  shake-down,— shake-up!  an  ze  gentlmai  commence 
already  to  take  off  ze  close.  Pour  la  premiere  he  ave 
put  ze  dam  leetle  hat  wiz  ze  holp  In  ze  top  on  ze  chair, 
I  no  like<  3  so  when  he  a-,e  turn  his  back,  I  give  it 
von  leetle  kick  under  ze  bed  and  nevare  say  nosing ; 
ze  gentlman  zen  lake  off  ze  cote,  ver  good  cote — ver 
good  cote  indeed  !  an  he  take  off  ze  pantalon,  ver  fine 
pantalo;  >rer  good  pantalon — oui,  ver  good !  an  zen  he 
take  off  ze  boot,  ah  ma  fois,  zey  were  good  boot,  ver 
fine  boot  indeed,  an  ze  gentlman  he  go  to  slip.  Eh 
bien,  c'est  fine,  I  ave  nosing  else  to  do,  I  go  to  slip 
aussi,  an  I  nevaire  hear  nosing  at  all  tout  la  nuit,  I  mus 
have  slip  ver  well.  In  ze  morning,  ver  early,  a  la 
bonne  heur,  I  rub  my  eyes  an  fine  myself  wake  up ;  I 
put  ze  head  out  of  ze  bed  an  I  look  for  my  compagnon, 
mais  ze  gentlman  I  no  see  him,  no  doute  he  slip  ver 
mooch  hard,  he  have  grand  fatigue  he  slip  all  ze  time 
in  ze  street,  I  ave  grate  compassion  for  him ;  so  I  turn 
on  ze  oser  side  an  I  make  ze  second  time  wat  ze 
Anglais  call  ze  leetle  nappe,  not  ze  '  nappe  Francaise,' 
mais  ze  '  nappe  Anglaise ;'  chose  tres  difference  je 
vous  assure.  Eh  bien,  ven  I  ave  rub  ze  eye  ze  second 
time,  I  fin  it  was  ten  o'clock  of  ze  watch,  an  I  say  to 
ze  gentleman  who  have  slip  in  ze  corner  all  ze  nite, 
'  Monsieur,  levez  vous !  it  is  time  to  get  up,'  an  ze 
gentlman  ave  make  no  response,  an  zin  I  get  up  myself  an 
I  look  in  ze  corner,  mais  I  fin  nosing,  ze  gentlman  was 
gone.  Ah  ha !  I  say  to  myself,  ze  gentlman  was  tres 
reconnaisant,  he  ave  ver  mooch  gratitude,  he  mus  ave 
wake  up  an  he  fin  me  slip  ver  good,  he  no  like  to  make 
ze  noise  to  disturb  me ;  I  ave  no  dout  he  will  come 
back  ven  he  zink  I  ave  wake  up,  an  he  will  make  me 


72  "  RUNNING    A    SAW"    ON    A    FRENCHMAN. 

grate  zank  for  my  kindness  to  him  zat  he  did  not  slip  in 
ze  street.  Oh  he  is  such  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good 
cote,  such  fine  pantalon,  and  such  ver  good  boot.  Ven 
I  say  zis  to  myself  I  zinkmake  my  toillette,  an  I  put  on  my 
boot,  ver  good  boot, — mais,  wat  it  is — zey  are  not  my 
boot !  ver  good  boot  indeed — ver  good  boot  !  mais  zey 
are  not  my  boot.  Ah  nevaire  min,  it  is  mistake,  ze 
gentlman  ave  made  mistake,  he  get  up  so  early  in  ze 
morning  an  ave  make  ze  mistake  in  ze  dark.  Eh  bien, 
he  will  soon  return  and  make  ze  grand  apologie,  for  he 
is  so  mooch  gentlman — oh  oui,  he  is  gentlman,  he  ave 
ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pantalon,  an  ze  boot  are  ver 
good  aussi — not  so  good  as  mine,  mais  ze  are  ver  good. 
In  ze  mean  time  I  zink  comme  ga  to  myself,  an  I  look 
roun  for  my  pantalon  ;  oh  zey  are  zere.  I  put  on  ze 
pantalon,  mais — que  diable !  I  feel  in  ze  poches,  oui, 
bigar  zey  are  not  my  pantalon — ver  fine  !  oui,  ver  fine 
pantalon,  mais  zey  are  not  rny  pantalon.  Ah  tis  ver  plain, 
ze  gentlman  ave  make  anoser  mistake,  an  ave  take  my 
pantalon,  an  zink  zey  are  his  pantalon  ;  nevaire  min  ! 
nevaire  min !  he  will  fine  out  ze  mistake  bomby  when 
he  fine  ze  monnaie  in  ze  poche,  he  will  be  ver  sorry,  for 
he  is  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pan 
talon,  an  ver  good  boot;  oh  oui,  he  is  gentlman,  j'en 
suis  sure.  Vile  I  zink  so  to  myself  I  look  at  ze  watch, 
an  I  fine  him  leven  o'clock  of  ze  mornin ;  I  tink  it  is 
time  to  break  ze  faste,  I  am  ver  hungry,  so  I  put  on 
my — ze  debil !  what  I  have  here  ? — ver  fine  coat,  mais, 
ouis,  it  is  not  my  cote — no  it  is  not  my  cote  !  Bigod  ze 
gentlman  ave  make  un  autre  fois,  a  noser  gran  mistake, 
he  ave  take  my  cote  an  lef  me  his  cote,  it  was  ver  good 
cote — ver  good  cote  indeed !  mais  it  was  not  my  cote. 


>  Wat  se  debbil  I  got  here  !     2e  dam  leelle  hat  whiz  ze  hole  in  ze  top ;  bigar ! 
I  no  like  dat."— Page  73. 


"RUNNING  A  SAW"  ON  A  FRENCHMAN.         73 

J'en  suis  fache  ven  ze  gentlman  ave  fine  it  out  he  will 
be  mooch  mortify  zat  he  ave  take  my  cote.  Ah  mon 
Dieu !  I  ave  grate  pitie  for  him,  he  was  such  gentlman, 
I  am  sure  he  was  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good  cote, 
such  fine  pantalon,  and  such  ver  good  boot !  Oh  cer- 
tainement  he  was  gentlmen,  I  nevaire  make  ze  mistake, 
I  know  ze  gentlman  an  he  was  gentlman,  I  know  he  will 
come  back ;  an  zen  I  wait  for  him  von  hour  by  ze  clock, 
an  I  zink  to  myself,  bigar  I  ave  ze  gran  rumble  in  ze 
stomac,  an  I  feel  ver  hungere  as  if  I  ave  eat  nosing  for 
tree  day  like  ze  gentlman,  who  I  ave  no  doubt  ave  wait 
all  zis  time  at  ze  cafe  for  me.  Ah  quel  shepide  !  I  ne 
vaire  zink  of  zat  before,  an  I  look  for  my  hat.  It  is  not 

on  ze  table, — no !  it  is  not  on  ze restez !  q'avons 

nous  ici  ?  Who  put  my  hat  under  ze  bed  ?  my  new  hat ! 
I  ave  jus  buy  him,  an  ave  jus  pay  von  guinea  for  him  ; 
Venez  !  I  go  on  ze  knee.  Ah  ha  !  I  ave  got  him  by  ze 
ear.  Venez  ici  done,  rodeur  ! — Bigod  !  wat  ze  debil  1 
got  here  !  Hem  ?  Sacre-bleu  !  tnille  tonnerres !  ze  dam 
leetle  hat  wiz  ze  hole  in  ze  top,  bigar  !  I  no  like  dat,  ze 
gentlman  ave  make  von  dam  gran  mistake  dis  time,  an 
I  no  like  dat.  Mais  he  was  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver 
good  cote,  such  ver  fine  pantalon,  and  such  good  boot, 
mais  I  no  like  ze  dam  leetle  hat  wiz  ze  hole  in  ze  tap. — 
No!  Bigod! !  Mais  he  was  gentlman." 


BREAKING  A  BANK. 

BY  SOL.  SMITH,  AUTHOR  OF  "  THEATRICAL  APPRENTICE 
SHIP  AND  ANECDOTAL  RECOLLECTIONS.' 

We  cannot  allow  a  second  collection  of  stories  from  the  "  Spirit 
of  the  Times"  to  go  before  the  public  without  containing  one 
of  Sol.  Smith's  sketches,  he  having  been  one  of  our  earliest 
correspondents.  Besides  which,  it  is  not  contained  in  the 
Appendix  to  his  own  admirable  collection  of  stories,  recently 
published  in  Philadelphia. 

CAPTAIN  Summons  is  a  very  clever  fellow — and  the 
"  Dr.  Franklin"  was  a  very  superb  boat,  albeit  inclined 
to  rock  about  a  good  deal,  and  nearly  turn  over  on  her 
side  when  visited  by  a  breath  of  air  in  the  least  resem 
bling  a  gale.  Capt.  Summons  is  a  clever  fellow.  All 
steamboat  captains  are  clever  fellows — or  nearly  all ; 
but  what  I  mean  to  say  is,  Captain  Summons  is  a  parti 
cularly  clever  fellow! — a  clever  fellow  in  the  widest 
sense  of  the  term — a  fellow  that  is  clever  in  every  way — 
anxious  that  his  passengers  shall  be  comfortably  be 
stowed,  well  fed  and  well  attended  to — and  determined 
that  they  shall  amuse  themselves  "just  as  they  d — n 
please,"  as  the  saying  is.  If  he  happens  to  have 
preachers  on  board,  he  puts  on  a  serious  countenance 
of  a  Sunday  morning — consents  that  there  shall  be 
preaching — orders  the  chairs  to  be  set  out,  and  provides 
Bibles  and  hymn-books  for  the  occasion — himself  and 
74 


BREAKING    A    BANK.  75 

officers,  whose  watch  is  below,  taking  front  seats  and 
listening  attentively  to  the  discourse.  Likely  as  not,  at 
die  close  of  the  service,  he  will  ask  the  reverend  gen 
tleman  who  has  been  officiating,  with  his  back  in  close 
proximity  to  a  hot  fire  in  a  Franklin  furnace,  to  accom 
pany  him  to  the  bar  and  join  him  in  some  refreshments! 
If  there  are  passengers  on  board  who  prefer  to  pass  the 
time  away  in  playing  poker,  ucre,  brag,  or  whist,  tables 
and  chairs  are  ready  for  them,  too — poker,  brag,  ucre 
and  whist  be  it !  All  sorts  of  passengers  are  accommo 
dated  on  the  Dr.  Franklin — the  rights  of  none  are  suf 
fered  to  be  infringed ; — all  are  free  to  follow  such 
employments  as  shall  please  themselves.  A  dance  in 
the  evening  is  a  very  common  occurrence  on  this  boat, 
and  when  cotillions  are  on  the  carpet,  the  captain  is  sure 
to  be  thar. 

It  sometimes  happens  that,  at  the  commencement  of 
a  voyage,  it  is  found  somewhat  difficult  to  reconcile  all 
the  passengers  to  the  system  of  Capt.  Summons,  which 
is  founded  on  the  broad  principle  of  equal  rights  to  all. 
On  the  occasion  of  my  voyage  in  the  "  Doctor,"  in  De 
cember,  1844,  I  found  myself  surrounded  by  a  crowd 
of  passengers  who  were  entire  strangers  to  me — a  very 
rare  occurrence  to  one  who  travels  so  often  on  the  west 
ern  rivers  as  I  do.  I  wished  my  absence  from  New 
Orleans  to  be  as  brief  as  possible,  and  the  "  Doctor" 
was  the  fastest  boat  in  port  at  the  time  of  my  leaving  the 
Crescent  City ;  so  I  resolved  to  secure  a  berth  in  her, 
and  trust  in  luck  to  find  a  St.  Louis  boat  at  the  Mouth. 

I  don't  know  how  it  is,  or  why  it  is,  but  by  strangers 
I  am  almost  always  taken  for  a  PREACHER.  It  was  so  on 
this  voyage.  There  were  three  Methodist  circuit  riders 


76  BREAKING    A    BANK. 

on  board ;  and  it  happened  that  we  got  acquainted,  and 
were  a  good  deal  together — from  which  circumstance  I 
was  supposed  to  be  one  of  them;  which  supposition  was 
the  means  of  bringing  me  into  an  acquaintance  with  the 
lady  passengers,  who,  for  the  most  part,  were  very  pious, 
religiously  inclined  souls.  We  had  preaching  every  day, 
and  sometimes  at  night ;  and  I  must  say,  in  justice  to 
brothers  Twitchel  and  Switchell,  that  their  sermons  were 
highly  edifying  arid  instructive. 

In  the  mean  time,  a  portion  of  the  passengers  "  at  the 
other  end  of  the  hall"  continued  to  play  sundry  games 
with  cards,  notwithstanding  the  remonstrances  of  the 
worthy  followers  of  Wesley,  who  frequently  requested 
the  captain  to  interfere  and  break  up  such  unholy  doings. 
The  captain  had  but  one  answer — it  was  something  like 
this :  "  Gentlemen,  amuse  yourselves  as  you  like  ;  preach 
and  pray  to  your  hearts'  content — none  shall  interfere 
with  your  pious  purposes ;  some  like  that  sort  of  thing 
— /  have  no  objection  to  it.  These  men  prefer  to  amuse 
themselves  with  cards  ;  let  them — they  pay  their  pas 
sage  as  well  as  you,  gentlemen,  and  have  as  much  right 
to  their  amusements  as  you  have  to  yours,  and  they  shall 
not  be  disturbed.  Preach,  play  cards,  dance  cotillions 
— do  what  you  like,  /  am  agreeable  ;  only  understand 
that  all  games  (preaching  among  the  rest)  must  cease  at 
ten  o'clock."  So  we  preachers  got  very  little  comfort 
from  Captain  Summons. 

Up — up,  up — up  we  went.  Christmas  day  arrived. 
All  the  other  preachers  had  holden  forth  on  divers  occa 
sions,  and  it  being  ascertained  that  it  was  my  inten 
tion  to  leave  the  boat  on  her  arrival  at  Cairo,  a  formal 
request  was  preferred,  that  I  should  preach  the  Christmas 


BREAKING    A    BANK.  77 

sermon  /  The  LADIES  (God  bless  them  all !)  were  very 
urgent  in  their  applications  to  me.  "  Oh  e?o,  brother 
Smith !  we  want  to  hear  you  preach !  All  the  others 
have  contributed  their  share  to  our  spiritual  comfort — 
you  must  oblige  us — indeed  you  must."  I  endeavoured 
to  excuse  myself  the  best  way  I  could,  alleging  the 
necessity  of  my  leaving  the  boat  in  less  than  an  hour — 
my  baggage  was  not  ready — I  had  a  terrible  cold,  and 
many  other  good  and  substantial  reasons  were  given  ; 
but  all  in  vain — preach  I  must.  "  Well,"  thinks  I,  "if 
I  must,  I  must."  At  this  crisis,  casting  my  eyes  down 
towards  the  Social  Hall,  and  seeing  an  unusual  crowd 
assembled  around  a  table,  I  asked  one  of  the  brethren 
what  might  be  going  on  down  there  ?  The  fattest  of  the 
preaching  gentlemen  replied — "  The  poor  miserable  sin 
ners  have  filled  the  measure  of  their  iniquity  by  opening 
a  FARO  BANK  !"  "  Horrible  !"  exclaimed  I,  holding  up 
my  hands — and  "  horrible  !"  echoed  the  ladies  and  mis 
sionaries  in  full  chorus.  "  Cannot  such  doings  be  put 
a  stop  to  ?"  asked  an  elderly  lady,  addressing  the  pious 
travellers.  "  I  fear  not,"  groaned  my  Methodist  contem 
porary,  (the  fat  one.)  "  We  have  been  trying  to  con 
vince  the  captain  that  some  dreadful  accident  will  inevi 
tably  befall  the  boat,  if  such  proceedings  are  permitted — 
and  what  do  you  think  he  answered  ?"  "  What?"  we 
all  asked,  of  course.  "  Why,  he  just  said,  that,  inas 
much  as  he  permitted  us  to  preach  and  pray,  he  should 
let  other  passengers  dance  and  play,  if  they  chose  to  do 
so;  and  that  if  I  didn't  like  the  'proceedings'  I  com 
plained  of  /  might  leave  the  boat!  Yes — he  did  ;  and, 
moreover,  he  mentioned  that  it  was  eleven  o'clock,  and 
asked  me  if  I  wouldn't  *  liquor !'  "  This  announcement 


78  BREAKING    A    BANK. 

of  the  captain's  stubbornness  and  impiety  was  met  with 
a  general  groan  of  pity  and  sorrow,  and  we  resumed  the 
conversation  respecting  the  unhallowed  faro  bank.  "It 
is  much  to  be  regretted,"  remarked  the  elderly  lady  wrho 
had  spoken  before,  "that  something  can't  be  done — 
Brother  Smith,"  she  continued,  appealing  directly  to  me, 
and  laying  her  forefinger  impressively  upon  my  arm, 
"  cannot  you  break  up  that  bank  ?"  "  Dear  Madam," 
I  answered,  "  you  know  not  the  difficulty  of  the  task 
you  impose  upon  me — FARO  BANKS  ARE  NOT  so  EASILY 
BROKEN  UP  as  you  may  imagine ;  however,  as  you  all 
appear  so  anxious  about  it,  if  you'll  excuse  me  from  the 
sermon,  I'll  see  what  can  be  done."  "Ah!  that's  a 
dear  soul !" — "  I  knew  he  would  try" — "  He'll  be  sure 
to  succeed!" — "Our  prayers  shall  not  be  wanting!" 
Such  were  the  exclamations  that  greeted  me,  as  I  moved 
oflf  towards  the  faro  bank.  Elbowing  my  way  into  the 
crowd,  I  got  near  the  table  in  front  of  the  dealer,  and 
was  for  a  time  completely  concealed  from  the  view  of 
my  pious  friends  near  the  door  of  the  ladies'  cabin.  I 
found  the  bank  was  a  small  affair.  The  betters  were 
risking  trifling  sums,  ranging  from  six  to  twenty-five 
cents. 

"  Mr.  Dealer,"  I  remarked,  "  I  have  come  to  break 
up  this  bank."  "  The  deuse  you  have !"  replied  the 
banker — "  let's  see  you  do  it."  "  What  amount  have 
you  in  bank?"  I  inquired.  "  Eleven  dollars,"  was  his 
answer.  "  What  is  your  limit  ?"  asked  I.  "  A  dollar," 
he  replied.  "  Very  wTell,"  said  I,  placing  a  ragged  In 
diana  dollar  behind  the  queen — "  turn  on."  He  turned, 
and  the  king  won  for  me.  I  took  the  two  dollars  up 
and  let  him  make  another  turn,  when  I  replaced  the  bet, 


BREAKING    A   BANK.  79 

and  the  queen  came  up  in  my  favour ;  I  had  now  four 
dollars,  which  I  placed  in  the  square,  taking  in  the  5,  6, 
7,  and  8 — and  it  won  again !  Here  were  seven  dollars 
of  the  banker's  money.  I  pocketed  three  of  them,  and 
bet  four  dollars  behind  the  queen  again ;  the  Jack  won, 
and  the  BANK  WAS  BROKEN  !  The  crowd  dispersed  in 
all  directions,  laughing  at  the  breaking  up  of  the  petty 
bank,  and  I  made  my  way  towards  the  ladies'  cabin, 
where  my  new  friends  were  anxiously  awaiting  the  re 
sult  of  my  bold  attempt.  "  Well,  well,  well,"  they  all 
exclaimed — "  What  success  ? — have  you  done  it  ?  Do 
let  us  hear  all  about  it !"  I  wiped  the  perspiration  from 
my  brow,  and  putting  on  a  very  serious  face,  I  said 
solemnly :  "  I  HAVE  BROKEN  THAT  BANK  !"  "  You 
have  ?"  they  all  exclaimed. — "Yes,  I'll  be  d — d  if  he 
hasn't !"  muttered  the  disappointed  gamester,  the  keeper 
of  the  late  bank,  who  was  just  going  into  his  state-room. 
In  the  midst  of  the  congratulations  which  were  showered 
upon  me,  I  received  a  summons  from  the  captain  to 
come  forward  with  my  baggage — we  were  at  Cairo. 


TAKING  THE  CENSUS. 

SOME  rich  scenes  occur  in  taking  the  Census  under 
the  late  law  of  the  State  of  New  York  for  that  purpose. 
The  following,  from  an  eye  witness,  is  one : 

"Is  the  head  of  the  family  at  home?"  asks  the  in 
quiring  marshal. 

"  Here's  the  devil  with  his  book  again  for  the  d'rec- 
try"  shouts  a  junior  of  the  family  to  the  maternal  head 
above  stairs,  who  presently  appears.  "Is  it  the  heads 
of  the  family  ye  want  sure ;  but  last  week  ye  wanted 
our  name  for  ye  (Trectry  an'  now  ye  want  our  heads  ? 
A  free  country  this,  sure,  when  one's  head  is  not  safe. 
Be  off,  and  bad  luck  to  ye  and  all  like  ye."  After 
some  explanations,  the  questions  in  order  are  asked. 

"  Who  is  the  head  of  the  family  ?" 

"  Ann  Phelim,  yer  honor,  the  same  in  ould  Ireland 
for  ever." 

"How  many  Males  in  this  family?" 

"  Three  males  a  day  with  prateys  for  dinner  an" — 

"  But  how  many  Men  and  Boys  ?" 

"  Och,  why  there's  the  ould  man  an'  the  boy  and 
three  children  wrho  died  five  years  ago,  heaven  rest 
their  dear  souls,  the  swatest  jewils  that  iver" — 

"But  how  many  are  now  living ?" 

"  Meself,  and  me  daughter  Judy,  ye  see  them,  and 
a  jewil  of  a  girl  she  is  indeed." 

"  But  have  you  no  males  in  your  family?" 

'  Sorra  the  one  ;  the  ould  man  works  hard  by  the  day, 
80 


TAKING    THE    CENSUS.  81 

and  Patrick  is  not  at  home  at  all,  but  to  his  males  and 
his  bed." 

"  How  many  are  subject  to  Military  duty  ?" 
"  Niver  a  one  ;  Patrick  and  the  ould  man  belong  to 
the  Immits,  and  sure  finer  looking  soldiers  were  niver 
born :  did  ye  not  see  him  when  the  old  Gineral  was 
buried?  'twould  have  made  your  heart  beat  to  see  two 
such  fine  lookin'  gintale  well-behaved  boys." 
"  How  many  are  entitled  to  vote  ?" 
"  Why  the  ould  man  and  meself  and  Judy,  and  warn't 
it  we  that  bate  the  Natives  an'  the  Whigs  an'  all,  an' 
elicted  ould  General  Jackson  over  'im  all.      Sorra  the 
day  when  he  died  and  disappointed  us  all,  for  a  fine 
man  he  was." 

"  How  many  coloured  persons  in  your  family  ?" 
"  Nagers,  did  you  name  Nagers?  Out  man,  an' 
don't  be  insultin'  me.  Out  wid  ye,  and  niver  ask  for 
me  senses  agin — don't  ask  about  me  senses — whither  I 
have  nagers  in  the  family?  Yer  out  of  yer senses,  yer- 
self,  begone  and  don't  bother  me." 


DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC. 

BY  "  S  L,"  OF  TENNESSEE. 

We  wish  we  were  at  liberty  to  disclose  the  name  and  habitation 
of  the  writer  of  the  incident  annexed,  for  then  we  are  assured 
his  friends  would  insist  upon  his  becoming  a  more  regular  cor 
respondent  of  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  in  the  columns  of  which 
he  made  his  debut. 

You  may  talk  of  your  bar  hunts,  Mister  Porter,  and 
your  deer  hunts,  and  knottin  tigers'  tails  thru  the  bung- 
holes  of  barrels,  an  cock  fitin,  and  all  that,  but  if  a  regular 
bilt  frolick  in  the  Nobs  of  "  Old  Knox,"  don't  beat  'em 
all  blind  for  fun,  then  I'm  no  judge  of  fun,  that's  all !  I 
said  fun,  and  I  say  it  agin,  from  a  kiss  that  cracks  like 
a  wagin-whip  up  to  ajite  that  rouses  up  all  out-doors — 
and  as  to  laffin,  why  they  invented  laffin,  and  the  last  lafF 
will  be  hearn  at  a  Nob  dance  about  three  in  the  morning ! 
I'm  jest  gettin  so  I  can  ride  arter  the  motions  I  made  at 
one  at  Jo  Spraggins's  a  few  days  ago. 

I'll  try  and  tell  you  who  Jo  Spraggins  is.  He's  a 
squire,  a  school  comishoner,  overlooker  of  a  mile  of  Nob 
road  that  leads  towards  Roody^s  still-house — a  fiddler,  a 
judge  of  a  hoss,  and  a  hoss  himself!  He  can  belt  six 
shillins  worth  of  corn-juice  at  still-house  rates  and  travel 
— can  out-shute  and  out-lie  any  feller  from  the  Smoky 
Mounting  to  Noxville,  and,  if  they'll  bar  one  feller  in 
Nox,  I'll  say  to  the  old  Kaintuck  Line !  (I'm  sorter  feared 
of  him,  for  they  say  that  he  lied  a  jackass  to  death  in  two 
82 


• 

DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC.  83 

hours !) — can  make  more  spinin- wheels,  kiss  more  spin 
ners,  thrash  more  wheat  an  more  men  than  any  one-eyed 
man  I  know  on.  He  hates  a  circuit  rider,  a  nigger,  and 
a  shot  gun — loves  a  woman,  old  sledge,  and  sin  in  eny 
shape.  He  lives  in  a  log  hous  about  ten  yards  squar  : 
it  has  two  rooms,  one  at  the  bottom  an  one  at  the  top  of 
the  ladder — has  all  out  ove  doors  fur  a  yard,  and  all  the 
South  fur  its  occupants  at  times.  He  gives  a  frolick  onst 
in  three  weeks  in  plowin  time,  and  one  every  Saturday- 
nite  the  balance  of  the  year,  and  only  axes  a  "  fip"  for 
a  reel,  and  two  "bits"  fur  what  corn-juice  you  suck; 
he  throws  the  galls  in,  and  a  bed  too  in  the  hay,  if  you 
git  too  hot  to  locomote.  The  supper  is  made  up  by  the 
fellers  ;  every  one  fetches  sumthin  ;  sum  a  lick  of  meal, 
sum  a  middlin  of  bacon,  sum  a  hen,  sum  a  possum,  sum 
a  punkin,  sum  a  grab  of  taters,  or  a  pocket  full  of  peas, 
or  dried  apples,  an  sum  only  fetches  a  good  appetite  and 
a  skin  chock  full  of  particular  devilry,  and  if  thars  been 
a  shutin  match  for  beef  the  day  before,  why  a  leg  finds 
its  w^ay  to  Jo's  sure,  without  eny  help  from  the  balance 
of  the  critter.  He  gives  Jim  Smith  (the  store-keeper 
over  Bay's  Mounting)  warriin  to  fetch  a  skane  of  silk  fur 
fiddle  strings,  and  sum  "  Orleans"  for  sweetnin,  or  not 
to  fetch  himself ;  the  silk  and  sugar  has  never  failed 
to  be  thar  yet.  Jo  then  mounts  Punkinslinger  bar  back 
ed,  about  three  hours  afore  sun  down,  and  gives  all  the 
galls  item.  He  does  this  a  lettle  of  the  slickest — jist 
rides  past  in  a  peart  rack,  singin, 

"  Oh,  I  met  a  frog,  with  a  fiddle  on  his  back, 
A  axin  his  way  to  the  fro-1-i-c-k  ? 
Wha-a-he  !  wha  he !  wha  he !  wha  ke  he-ke-he !" 

That's  enuf !     The  galls  nows  that  aint  a  jackass,  so 


84  DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNSESEE  FROLIC. 

oy  sun- down  they  come  pourin  out  of  the  woods  like 
pissants  out  of  an  old  log  when  tother  end's  afire,  jest 
u  as  fine  as  silk"  and  full  of  fun,  fixed  out  in  all  sorts 
of  fancy  doins,  from  the  broad-striped  homespun  to  the 
sunflower  calico,  with  the  thunder-and-lightnin  ground. 
As  for  silk,  if  one  had  a  silk  gown  she'd  be  too  smart  to 
wear  it  to  Jo  Spraggins's,  fur  if  she  did  she'd  go  home 
in  hir  petticote-tale  sartin,  for  the  homespun  wud  tare 
it  off  of  hir  quicker  nor  winkin,  and  if  the  sunflowers 
didenthelp  the  homespuns,  they  woudn't  do  the  silk  eny 
good,  so  you  see  that  silk  is  never  ratlin  about  your  ears 
at  a  Nob  dance. 

The  sun  had  about  sot  afore  I  got  the  things  fed  an 
had  Barkmill  saddled,  (you'll  larn  directly  why  I  call 
my  poney  Barkmill,)  but  an  owl  couldent  have  cotch  a 
rat  afore  I  was  in  site  of  Jo's  with  my  gall,  Jule  Sawyers, 
up  behind  me.  She  hugged  me  mity  tite  she  was  "  so 
feerd  of  fallin  off"  that  drated  poney."  She  said  she 
didn't  mind  a  fall,  but  it  mought  break  hir  leg  an  then 
good  bye  frolicks — she'd  be  fit  fur  nuthin  but  to  nuss  brats 
oilers  arterwards.  I  now  hearn  the  fiddle  ting-tong-ding- 
domb.  The  yard  was  full  of  fellers,  and  two  tall  fine- 
lookin  galls  was  standin  in  the  door,  face  to  face,  holdin 
up  the  door  posts  with  their  backs,  laffin,  an  castin  sly 
looks  into  the  house,  an  now  an  then  kickin  each  other 
with  their  knees,  an  then  the  one  kicked  wud  bow  so 
perlite,  and  quick  at  that,  and  then  they'd  lafF  agin  an 
turn  red.  Jo  was  a  standin  in  the  hous  helpin  the  galls 
to  hold  the  facins  up,  an  when  they'd  kick  each  other 
he'd  wink  at  the  fellers  in  the  yard  an  grin.  Jule,  she 
bounced  off  just  like  a  bag  of  wool-rolls,  and  I  hitched 
my  bark-machine  up  to  a  saplin  that  warn't  skinned,  so 


DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC.  85 

ne'd  git  a  craw-full  of  good  fresh  bark  afore  mornin.  I 
giv  Jule  a  kiss  to  sorter  molify  my  natur  an  put  her  in 
heart  like,  and  in  we  walked.  "  Hey !  hurray  !"  said 
the  boys  ;  "  My  gracious!"  said  the  galls,  "  if  here  aint 
Dick  an  Jule  !"  jist  like  we  hadent  been  rite  thar  only 
last  Saturday  nite.  "  Well,  I  know  we'll  have  reel  now !" 
"  Hurraw  ! — Go  it  while  you'r  young !"  "  Hurraw  for 
the  brimstone  kiln — every  man  praise  his  country!" 
"  Clar  the  ring!"  "Misses  Spraggins,  drive  out  these 
dratted  tow-headed  brats  of  your'n — give  room!" 
"Who-oo-whoop  !  whar's  the  crock  of  bald-face,  and 
that  gourd  of  honey  ?  Jim  Smith,  hand  over  that  spoon, 
an  quit  a  lickin  it  like  "  sank  in  a  bean-pot."  "  You,  Jake 
Snyder,  don't  holler  so !"  says  the  old  'oman — "  why  you 
are  worse  nor  a  painter."  "Holler!  why  I  was  jist 
whispering  to  that  gall  on  the  bed — who-a-whoopee  !  now 
I'm  beginning  to  holler!  Did  you  hear  that,  Misses 
Spraggins,  and  be  darned  to  your  bar  legs  ?  You'd 
make  a  nice  hemp-brake,  you  would."  "  Come  here, 
Suse  Thompson,  and  let  me  pin  your  dress  behind  ? 
Your  back  looks  adzactly  like  a  blaze  on  a  wrhite  oak !" 
"  My  back  ain't  nuffin  to  you,  Mister  Smarty !"  "  Bill 
Jones,  quit  a  smashin  that  ar  cat's  tail !"  "  Well  let  hir 
keep  hir  tail  clar  of  my  ant  killers !"  "  Het  Coins,  stop 
tumblin  that  bed  an  tie  your  soc/c/"  "  Thankee,  marm, 
its  a  longer  stockin  than  you've  got — look  at  it  /"  "  Jim 
Clark  has  gone  to  the  woods  for  fat  pine,  and  Peggy 
Willet  is  along  to  take  a  lite  for  him — they've  been  gone 
a  coon's  age.  Oh,  here  comes  the  lost  'babes  in  the  wood,' 
and  no  lite  /"  "  Whar's  that  lite  '  whar's  that  torch !  I 
say,  Peggy,  whar  is  that  bundle  of  lite  wood  ?"  "  Why, 
I  fell  over  a  log  an  lost  it,  and  we  hunted  clar  to  the 
F 


86  DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC. 

foot  of  the  holler  for  it,  and  never  found  it.  It's  no  ac 
count,  no  how — nuthin  but  a  little  pine — who  cares  ?" 
"  Hello,  thar,  gin  us  '  Forked  Deer,"  old  fiddle-teazer, 
or  I'll  give  you  forked  litnin!  Ar  you  a  goin  to  turn-turn 
all  nite  on  that  pot-gutted  old  pine  box  of  a  fiddle,  say?" 
"  Give  him  a  soak  at  the  crock  and  a  lick  at  the  patent 
bee-hive — it'll  He  his  elbows."  "Misses  Spraggins, 
you're  a  hoss!  cook  on,  don't  mind  me — I  dident  aim 
to  slap  you  ;  it  was  Suze  Winters  I  wanted  to  hit ;  but 
you  stooped  so  fair — "  "  Yes,  and  it's  well  for  your 
good  looks  that  you  didn't  hit  to  hurt  me,  old  feller!" 
"  Turn  over  them  rashes  of  bacon,  they're  a  burnin !" 
"  Mind  your  own  business,  Bob  Proffit,  I've  cooked  for 
frolicks  afore  you  shed  your  petticotes — so  jist  hush  an 
talk  to  Marth  Giffin!  See!  she  is  beckonin  to  you!" 
"  That's  a  lie,  marm  !  If  he  comes  a  near  me  I'll  unjint 
his  dratted  neck !  No  sech  fool  that  when  a  gall  puts  hir 
arm  round  his  neck  will  break  and  run,  shall  look  at  me, 
that's  flat !  Go  an  try  Bet  Holden !"  "  Thankee,  marm, 
I  don't  take  your  leavins,"  says  Bet,  hir  face  lookin  like 
a  full  cross  between  a  gridiron  and  a  steel-trap. 

"  Whoop !  hurraw !  Gether  your  galls  for  a  break 
down!  Give  us  'Forked  Deer!"'  "No,  give  us 
'  Natchez-under-the-hill  !'  "  "  Oh,  Shucks  !  give  us 
'  Rocky  Mounting,'  or  '  Misses  McCloud  !'  "  "  c  Mis 
ses  McCloud  '  be  darned,  and  '  Rocky  Mounting  '  too  ! 
jist  give  us 
"  She  woudent,  and  she  coudent,  and  she  dident  come  at  all!" 

"  Thar  !  that's  it !  Now  make  a  brake  !  Tang  !  Thar 
is  a  brake — a  string's  gone  !"  "  Thar'll  be  a  head  broke 
afore  long !"  "  Giv  him  goss — no  giv  him  a  horn  and 
every  time  he  stops  repeat  the  dose,  and  riar  another  string 


DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSSEE  FROLIC.  87 

'ill  brake  to  nite.     Tink-tong !  all  rite  !     Now  go  it !" 
and  if  I  know  what  goin  it  is,  we  did  go  it. 

About  midnite,  Misses  Spraggins  sung  out  "  stop  that 
ar  dancin  and  come  and  get  your  supper!"  It  was  sot 
in  the  yard  on  a  table  made  of  forks  stuck  in  the  ground 
and  plank  of  the  stable  loft,  with  sheets  for  table  cloths. 
We  had  danced,  kissed,  and  drank  ourselves  into  a  per 
fect  thrashin-machine  apetite,  and  the  vittals  hid  them 
selves  in  a  way  quite  alarmin  to  tavern-keepers.  Jo  sung 
out  "  Nives  is  scase,  so  give  what  thar  is  to  the  galls  an 
let  the  balance  use  thar  paws — they  was  invented  afore 
nives,  eney  how.  Now,  Gents,  jist  walk  into  the  fat  of 
this  land.  I'm  sorter  feerd  the  honey  wont  last  till  day 
break,  but  the  liquor  will,  I  think,  so  you  men  when  you 
drink  your'n,  run  an  kiss  the  galls  fur  sweetnin — let  them 
have  the  honey — it  belongs  to  them,  naturaly !" — "  Hur- 
raw,  my  Jo !  You  know  how  to  do  things  rite !" 
"  Well,  I  rayther  think  I  do  ;  I  never  was  rong  but  onst 
in  my  life  an  then  I  mistook  a  camp  meetin  for  a  political 
speechifyin,  so  I  rid  up  an  axed  the  speaker  '  how  much 
Tarrif  there  was  on  rot-gut?' and  he  said  'about  here,  there 
appeared  to  be  none !'  That  rayther  sot  me,  as  I  was  right 
smartly  smoked,  myself,  jist  at  that  time.  I  had  enough 
liquor  plump  in  me  to  swim  a  skunk,  so  I  come  agin  at 
him.  I  axed  him  'Who  was  the  bigest  fool  the  Bible 
told  of?'  an  he  said  '  Noah  for  he'd  get  tite  T  I  thought, 
mind,  I  only  thought  he  might  be  a  pokin  his  dead  cat 
at  somebody  what  lives  in  this  holler ;  I  felt  my  bristles 
a  raisin  my  jacket-back  up  like  a  tent  cloth,  so  I  axed 
him  if  he'd  '  ever  seed  the  Elephant  ?'  He  said  no,  but 
he  had  seen  a  grocery  walk,  and  he  expected  to  see  one 
rot  down  from  its  totterin  looks,  purty  soon !'  Thinks  I, 


88  DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC. 

Jo,  you're  beat  at  your  own  game  ;  I  sorter  felt  mean,  so 
I  spurr'd  and  sot  old  Punkinslinger  to  cavortin  like  he 
was  skeered,  an  I  wheeled  and  twisted  out  of  that  crowd, 
an  when  I  did  git  out  of  site  the  way  I  did  sail  was  a  cau 
tion  to  turtles  and  all  the  other  slow  varmints." 

Well,  we  danced,  and  hurrawed  without  eny  thing  of 
very  perticular  interest  to  happen,  till  about  three  o'clock, 
when  the  darndest  muss  was  kicked  up  you  ever  did  see. 
Jim  Smith  sot  down  on  the  bed  alongside  of  Bet  Holden 
(the  steel-trap  gall,)  and  jist  fell  to  huggin  of  hir  bar  fa 
shion.  She  tuck  it  very  kind  till  she  seed  Sam  Henry  a 
looking  on  from  behind  about  a  dozen  galls,  then  she  fell 
to  kickin  an  a  hollerin,  an  a  screetchin  like  all  rath.  Sam 
he  come  up  an  told  Jim  to  let  Bet  go  !  Jim  told  him  to 
go  to  a  far  offcountrie  whar  they  give  away  brimestone 
and  throw  in  the  fire  to  burn  it.  Sam  hit  him  strate  a- 
tween  the  eyes,  an  after  a  few  licks  the  fitin  started.  Oh 
hush  !  It  makes  my  mouth  water  now  to  think  what  a 
beautiful  row  we  had.  One  feller  from  Cady's  Cove, 
nocked  a  hole  in  the  bottom  of  a  fryin-pan  over  Dan 
Turner's  head,  and  left  it  a  hangin  round  his  neck,  the 
handle  flyin  about  like  a  long  que,  ane  thar  it  hung  till 
Jabe  Thurman  cut  it  off  with  a  cold  chissel  next  day ! 
That  was  his  share,  fur  that  nite,  sure.  Another  feller 
got  nocked  into  a  meal-barrel :  he  was  as  mealy  as  an  Irish 
tater  and  as  hot  as  hoss-radish ;  when  he  bursted  the  hoops 
and  cum  out  he  rared  a  few.  Two  fellers  fit  out  of  the 
door,  down  the  hill,  and  into  the  creek,  and  thar  ended 
it,  in  a  quiet  way,  all  alone.  A  perfect  mule  from  Stock 
Creek  hit  me  a  wipe  with  a  pair  of  windin  blades  :  he 
made  kindlin-wood  of  them,  an  I  lit  on  him.  We  had 
it  head-and-tails  fur  a  very  long  time,  all  over  the  house, 


BICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC.  89 

but  the  truth  must  come  and  shame  my  kin,  he  warped 
me  nice,  so,  jist  to  save  his  time  I  hollered  !  The  lickin 
he  give  me  made  me  sorter  oneasy  and  hostile  like ;  it 
wakened  my  wolf  wide  awake,  so  I  begin  to  look  about 
for  a  man  I  could  lick  and  no  mistake  !  The  little  fiddler 
come  a  scrougin  past,  holdin  his  fiddle  up  over  his  head 
to  keep  it  in  tune,  for  the  fitin  was  gettin  tolerable  brisk. 
You're  the  one,  thinks  I,  and  I  jist  grabbed  the  dough- 
tray  and  split  it  plumb  open  over  his  head !  He  rotted 
down,  right  thar,  and  I  paddled  his  'tother  end  with  one 
of  the  pieces ! — while  I  was  a  molifyin  my  feelings  in 
that  way  his  gall  slip'd  up  behind  me  and  fetcht'd  me  a 
rake  with  the  pot-hooks.  Jule  Sawyer  was  thar,  and  jist 
anexed  to  her  rite  off,  and  a  mity  nice  fite  it  was.  Jule 
carried  enuf  har  from  hir  hed  to  make  a  sifter,  and 
striped  and  checked  her  face  nice,  like  a  partridge-net 
hung  on  a  white  fence.  She  hollered  fur  hir  fiddler,  but 
oh,  shaw!  he  coudent  do  hir  a  bit  of  good;  he  was 
too  buisy  a  rubbin  first  his  broken  head  and  then  his 
blistered  extremities,  so  when  I  thought  Jule  had  given 
her  a  plenty  I  pulled  hir  off  and  put  hir  in  a  good  humour 
by  given  hir  about  as  many  kisses  as  would  cover  a 
barn  door. 

Well,  I  thought  at  last,  if  I  had  a  drink  I'd  be  about 
done,  so  I  started  for  the  creek ;  and  the  first  thing  I  saw 
was  more  stars  with  my  eyes  shut  than  I  ever  did  with 
them  open.  I  looked  round,  and  it  was  the  little  fiddler's 
big  brother  !  I  knowed  what  it  meant,  so  we  locked  horns 
without  a  word,  thar  all  alone,  and  I  do  think  we  fit  an 
hour.  At  last  some  fellers  hearn  the  jolts  at  the  house, 
and  they  cum  and  dug  us  out,  for  we  had  fit  into  a  hole 
whar  a  big  pine  stump  had  burnt  out,  and  thar  we  was, 


90  DICK  HARLAN'S  TENNESSEE  FROLIC. 

up  to  our  girths  a  peggin  away,  face  to  face,  and  no 
dodgin  ! 

Well,  it  is  now  sixteen  days  since  that  fite,  and  last 
nite  Jule  picked  gravels  out  of  my  knees  as  big  as  squirell 
shot.  Luck  rayther  run  agin  me  that  nite,  fur  I  dident 
lick  eny  body  but  the  fiddler,  and  had  three  fites — but 
Jule  licked  her  gall,  that's  some  comfort,  and  I  suppose 
a  feller  cant  always  win !  Arter  my  fite  in  the  ground 
we  made  friends  all  round,  (except  the  fiddler — he's  hot 
yet,)  and  danced  and  liquored  at  the  tail  of  every  Reel 
till  sun  up,  when  them  that  was  sober  enuffwent  home, 
and  them  that  was  wounded  staid  whar  they  fell,  /was 
in  the  list  of  wounded,  but  could  have  got  away  if  my 
bark-mill  hadn't  ground  off'  the  saplin  and  gone  home 
without  a  parting  word  ;  so  Dick  and  Jule  had  to  ride 
"  Shanks'  mar,"  and  a  rite  peart  four-leged  nag  she  is. 
She  was  weak  in  two  of  hir  legs,  but  'tother  two — oh,  my 
stars  and  possum  dogs!  they  make  a  man  swaller  to- 
backer  jist  to  look  at  'em,  and  feel  sorter  like  a  June 
bug  was  crawlin  up  his  trowses  and  the  waistband  too 
tite  for  it  to  git  out.  I'm  agoin  to  marry  Jule,  I  swar  I 
am,  and  sich  a  cross !  Think  of  a  locomotive  and  a  cot- 
Ion  gin !  Who !  whoopee ! 


"FALLING  OFF  A  LOG,"  IN  A  GAME  OF 
"SEVEN-UP." 

BY   A   VIRGINIAN    IN    MISSISSIPPI. 

"  The  Turkey  Runner"  is  the  signature  of  a  gentleman  who  has 
written  some  of  the  most  graphic  and  amusing  original  stories 
ever  published  in  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times."  His  "  Swim 
for  a  Deer,"  "  Chunkey's  Fight  with  the  Panthers,"  etc.,  are 
among  the  best  sporting  sketches  in  the  language.  We  wish 
he  could  be  induced  to  write  more  frequently. 

"Hoss  and  boss!" 

"  Yes ;  c  hoss  and  boss,'  and  my  deal !" 

"  I'll  double  the  bet,  and  have  the  whole  bottle  or 
none." 

"  Let  me  cut,  and  I'll  stand  it." 

"  'Spose  we  both  take  a  little  drink  first,"  said 
Chunkey. 

"  No  :  darned  if  I  do !  thar  aint  enough  for  us  both — 
if  I  win  I'll  drink  it,  and  you  must  wait  till  a  boat 
comes,  if  you  die!  If  you  win,  I'll  wait,  if  I  die!" 

Such  was  the  conversation  between  Jim  and  Chunkey, 
as  they  were  sitting  across  a  log  on  the  banks  of  the 
Yazoo  River,  surrounded  by  a  cloud  of  musquitoes, 
playing  "  seven-up"  for  a  remaining  bottle  of  whisky, 
which  was  not  enough  for  the  two,  and  "  wouldn't  set 
one  forward"  much.  They  were  just  returning  from 
Bear  Creek,  in  Township  17,  Range  1,  where  they  had 

91 


92  "FALLING  OFF  A  LOG." 

some  hands  deadening  timber,  preparatory  to  opening  a 
plantation  in  the  Fall.  They  had  sent  the  negroes  to 
the  river  to  take  a  steamboat,  whilst  they,  -with  their 
furniture,  and  the  remains  of  a  forty-two  gallon  "  red 
head,"  came  down  Deer  Creek  in  a  day  out  into  False 
Lake,  through  False  Lake  into  Wasp  Lake,  and  down 
that  to  where  it  empties  into  the  Yazoo,  and  here  on 
the  banks  of  that  river  our  scene  opens. 

"  Go  ahead,  then,"  said  Chunkey,  "  shuffle,  deal, 
and  win,  if  you  can,  but  take  out  that  Jack  what's 
torn!" 

I  took  the  Jack  out,  shuffled,  dealt,  and  at  it  we 
went.  Chunkey  looked  mighty  scared ;  his  eye  was 
sorter  oneasy,  and  dartin  about,  and  he  seemed  to  be 
choked,  as  he  kept  tryin  to  swaller  somethin — the  long 
beard  on  his  face  looked  powerful  black,  or  else  his  face 
looked  powerful  white,  one  or  the  'yether.  We  both 
played  mighty  slow  and  careful.  The  first  hand  I  made 
"high,  low,"  and  Chunkey  "game;"  the  second  hand 
I  made  "low,  Jack,"  and  Chunkey  "high,  game." 

"  Four  to  three,"  says  I. 

"  Yes,  and  my  deal,"  said  Chunkey. 

He  gin  'em  the  Sunflower  "  shuffle,"  and  I  the  Big 
Greasy  "  cut,"  and  pushed  'em  back.  Chunkey  dealt 
em  mighty  slow,  and  kept  tryin  to  see  my  cards,  but  I 
laid  my  hand  on  'em  as  fast  as  they  fell  on  the  log,  to 
prevent  him  from  seein  the  marks.  He  turned  up  the 
Ace  of  Clubs.  When  I  looked  at  my  hand,  thar  was 
the  King,  Jack,  Nine,  and  Deuce, — I  led  my  King — 

"High!"  says  I. 

"  Low !"  said  Chunkey,  poppin  down  the  Tray. 

"  Not  edzactly,"   said  I,  hawlin  in  the  trick,   and 


"  FALLING    OFF   A    LOG."  93 

leadin  the  Deuce,  and  jist  as  I  done  so,  I  seed  Chunkey 
starin  over  my  shoulder,  lookin  wilder  nor  a  dyin  bar. 
I  never  seed  a  man  look  so  awful  in  my  life.  I  thought 
he  were  gwine  to  have  a  fit. 

"  Ya,  ya!"  said  he,  "  fallin  off  the  log,"  cryin 
"Snake!  snake!!" 

I  never  took  time  to  look,  but  made  a  big  he-spring 
about  twenty  feet  in  the  cane,  the  har  on  my  head 
standin  stiff  as  bristles  and  ratlin  like  a  raftsman's  bones, 
with  the  Sky  Lake  ager,  and  the  bad  feelins  runnin 
down  to  my  toes.  I  reckon  you  never  seed  a  man  so 
afraid  of  snakes  as  I  is,  and  I've  been  so  all  my  life ; 
I'd  rather  fight  the  biggest  bar  in  the  swamp  with  his 
own  weapons,  teeth  and  claws,  takin  it  rough  and  tum 
ble,  dependin  on  my  mind  and  knowledge  of  a  bar's 
character,  than  come  in  contact  with  a  big  rusty  highland 
moccasin  or  rattlesnake,  and  that's  the  reason  I  never 
hunts  in  the  summer  time.  When  I  lived  up  on  Deer 
Creek,  thar  was  a  perfect  cord  of  all  sorts,  and  I  used 
to  wear  all  summer  the  thickest  kind  of  cow-hide  boots, 
reachin  up  to  my  hips,  and  I  never  went  into  the  field, 
'ceptin  on  a  mule,  with  a  double-barreled  gun  at  that. 
This,  Chunkey  knowed ;  and  whenever  he  seed  one  he 
gin  me  warnin.  Chunkey  aint  afraid  of  snakes ;  he'd 
jist  as  soon  eat  of  a  gourd  with  a  snake,  as  not,  if  the 
.snake  would  help  himself  and  not  meddle  with  his 
licker. 

Well,  arter  lookin  about  a  spell  I  couldn't  see  no 
snake  sign,  and  I  then  hollered  to  Chunkey,  but  darned 
a  word  did  he  say.  It  then  flashed  across  my  mind  that 
as  Chunkey  fell  on  the  side  of  the  log  whar  the  licker 
lay,  he  might  sorter  taste  it,  as  he  were  dry  enough  to 


94  "FALLING  OFF  A  LOG." 

be  able  to  swaller  a  little  at  a  time  ;  so  I  struck  a  lick 
back  to  the  log  and  looked  over,  and  thar  he  lay,  jist 
curled  up  like  a  coon  in  the  sunshine,  and  the  bottle  jist 
glued  to  his  lips,  and  the  licker  runnin  down  his  throat 
like  a  storm !  darn  him,  I  hadden't  no  time  to  think  afore 
I  bounced  at  him !  I  struck  across  his  snout,  and  he 
nailed  my  thumb  in  his  jaws,  and  rostled  up  a  handful 
of  dirt  and  throwed  it  in  my  eyes,  and  that  sot  me  to 
gwine,  and  I  throwed  the  licks  into  him  right  and  left, 
and  I  made  the  fur  fly,  /  tell  you  ;  but  Chunkey  stood 
it  like  a  man!  Darned  the  word  did  he  say;  he 
wouldn't  holler,  he  was  perfectly  game  ! 

"No,  that's  a  fact!  I  didn't  holler;  I  didn't  have 
time ;  while  you  were  working  away  on  that  gum  knot, 
I  were  standin  up  agin  a  little  dog- wood  finishin  the 
licker !" 

"  How  comes  it  that  you  never  wrung  in  that  part  of 
the  story  about  the  knot  before  ?" 

"  'Cause,  I'd  done  got  the  licker,  and  I  was  satisfied  ; 
you  thought  you'd  gin  me  some  mighty  big  licks,  and 
you  was  satisfied  ;  and  it  would  have  been  mean  in  me 
to  crow  over  you  then :  you  was  out  of  licker,  tobacco, 
and  had  your  fist  all  skinned  and  beat  as  soft  as  a  bar's 
foot!  Oh  no,  Jim,  I'm  reasonable,  Us." 

"Well,  go  along;  if  I  don't  set  you  to  gnawin 
somethin  harder  than  that  knot  afore  long,  then  my 
name  aint  nothin  to  me,  and  I  don't  car  for  nobody, 
that's  all." 

"  All  sot,"  says  Chunkey,  "  let's  licker.  You 
wanted  to  know  what  lfallin  off  a  logj  meant,  and  I 
thought  I'd  show  you ;  but,  my  honey,  I'll  jist  let  you 
know  if  you'd  a  hit  me  any  of  them  licks  what  you 


"FALLING  OFF  A  LOG."  95 

struck  '  right  and  left'  into  that  knot,  I'd  a  gin  you  a 
touch  of  panter  fistcuffs — a  sort  of  cross  of  the  scratch 
on  the  bite — and  a  powerful  strong  game  it  is,  in  a  close 
fight.  Come,  gents,  let's  licker,  and  then  I  can  beat 
any  man  that  wars  har,  for  a  mighty  nice  chunk  of  a 
poney,  at  any  game  of  short  cards — 

Oh,  the  wagoner  was  a  mighty  man,  a  mighty  man  was  he : 
He'd  pop  his  whip,  and  stretch  his  chains,  and  holler  '  wo,  gee !'  ' 


THE  "WERRY  FAST  CRAB." 

BY    A    MEMBER    OF    THE    «  DIGBY    CLUB,"    BOSTON. 

Whether  "  Acorn"  or  "  The  Old  'Un"— the  editor  of  the  "  Morn 
ing  Post,"  (who  gave  these  lines  "  a  first  rate  notice,"  by  the 
bye,)  or  "  The  Young  'Un,"  was  the  writer  of  the  following 
epic — in  the  style  of  "  Pickle  Emmons" — this  deponent  saith 
not ;  he  simply  commends  them  to  those  lovers  of  horse  liesh 
who  are  in  the  habit  of  sporting  their  "  bits  of  blood"  on  the 
road — a  numerous  class  in  which  "  the  b'hoys"  greatly  pre 
dominate. 


THEY  may  talk  of  their  "  Fashion," 

And  "  Bonnets  of  Blue," 
Of  "Blue  Dick"  and  "  Ripton," 

And  "  Confidence"  too  ; 
Their  owners  were  lucky, 

But  I  made  a  grab  ; 
When  I  bought  for  a  trifle 

That  "  werry  fast  Crab." 

n. 

"  Chest  foundered"  and  hairless, 
And  "  sprung"  though  she  be, 

She's  an  eye-sore  to  others, 

A  good  'un  to  me  ; 
9G 


THE    "  WERRY    FAST   CRAB."  97 

No  market  cart,  clam  cart, 

Or  sand  cart,  or  cab, 
Can  show  such  a  nag 

As  my  "  werry  fast  Crab." 

in. 
Braced  back  in  my  phaeton, 

A  "  six"  in  my  jaw, 
I  touches  her  up 

On  an  elegant  "  raw — " 
That  I  keeps  for  myself — 

When  I  gives  it  a  "  dab  ;" 
Off  flies,  like  a  tortoise, 

My  "  werry  fast  Crab." 

IV. 

Talk  of  ten  miles  an  hour ! 

It  causes  a  smile  ; 
My  "  werry  fast  Crab" 

Goes  ten  hours  the  mile ; 
With  springs  on  her  fore-knees, 

As  slick  as  a  slab, 
She  stands  in  her  splices, 

My  "  werry  fast  Crab." 

v. 

She's  a  nice  easy  keeper, 

I  tell  you  the  truth  ; 
And  this  is  the  reason, 

She's  narry  a  tooth ; 
Of  the  ages  of  females, 

One  ought  not  to  blab, 


93  THE    "  WERRY    FAST   CRAB," 

So  I  shan't  say  no  more 
Of  the  age  of  my  "  Crab." 

VI. 

At  the  next  Cambridge  races 

Look  out  for  a  "  splore" — 
You'll  own  you  ne'er  saw 

Such  a  critter  before  : 
I'll  make  at  the  purse 

A  most  desperate  grab, 
If  it  cost  a  new  "  maw" 

On  my  "  werry  fast  Crab.*' 


"FRENCH  WITHOUT  A  MASTER." 

BY  "  STRAWS,"  [JOSEPH  M.  FIELD,  ESQ.] 

Another  "  tip-top  thing"  by  the  editor  of  the  St.  Louis  "  Reveille,': 
whose  sketches  of  domestic  life  are  among  the  cleverest  of  the 
many  which  he  is  in  the  habit  of  "  throwing  off  at  a  heat." 

MY  dear,  if  that  ain't  the  convenientest  book — that 
French  one,  with  the  yaller  cover — as  ever  was  ;  and 
only  to  cost  twenty-five  cents,  too!  There's  Bill  and 
Sally  does  nothin'  else  but  keep  a-askin  each  other  ques 
tions  in  it,  and  such  a  jabberin'  all  round  the  house,  I 
never  did  see!  They  can  say  a  good  deal  more  French 
already  than  them  stuck-up  Wilkins'  children  opposite, 
that's  bin  a  payin'  masters  Heaven  only  knows  how  long 
— and  here  comes  the  blessed  darlin's  now,  and  make 
'em  go  through  it  before  they  gets  a  bit  of  dinner,  you'll 
say  so,  too,  you  will." 

The  delighted  mother  goes  on  "  a  settin'  of  the  table," 
the  expectant  father  puts  down  his  hat,  with  the  air  of  one 
suddenly  called  upon  to  preside  over  an  inquiry  which 
will  necessarily  call  forth  all  his  resources,  and  the  hope 
ful  "  Bill"  having  kicked  the  door  open,  is  met  by  the 
emulous  "  Sally,"  book  in  hand. 

"  William,  your  mother  says  you're  a  good  boy,  and 
'tend  to  your  French.  Sally,  my  dear,  what's  a  kiss  in 
French. 

"  A  baiser,  pa." 

99 


100  "  FRENCH    WITHOUT    A    MASTER." 

"  A  baiser  !  Let  me  see — '  baiser,  to  kiss.'  So  it  is. 
Well,  then,  baiser  your  brother,  and  both  come  here 
together." 

"  You,  Bill,  keep  your  fingers  out  of  the  pickles  or  I'll 
baiser  your  back  for  you.  Kiss  your  sister,  and  go  on 
as  your  pa  tells  you." 

Bill  drops  the  cucumber,  minus  one  end,  salutes  his 
sister  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  ear,  cracks  a  pecan  nut 
which  he  has  taken  from  his  pocket,  and,  with  the  non 
chalance  of  a  professor  of  languages,  looks  at  the  paternal 
examiner  as  he  would  say,  "  I  guess  I  know  more  than 
you  about  it." 

"  That's  right,  William,  always  observe  what  yom 
mother  says  to  you.  What  is  your  mother  in  French, 
William  ?" 

"  She's  a  mare." 

"  No,  brother  William — a  mere.     M-e-r-e,  mere." 

"  Well,  I  know  it's  m-e-r-e  ;  but  isn't  the  e  sounded 
wide,  like  a?  There's  the  wide  accents  and  the  sharp 
ones,  ain't  there  ?  A  great  deal  you  know  about  it. 
You'd  better  say  your  father  ain't  a  pear  !" 

"  Eh  ?" 

"  Yes  ;  I'm  a  man,  you  know.     A  man,  in  French  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  know;  you're  a  hum." 

"  No  he  ain't,  neither ;  he's  a  hommy.  H-o-m  horn, 
m-e  me,  hommy — ain't  it  ?  And  a  woman's  afemmy,  and 
a  lady  a  dammy,  just  the  same !  I'm  always  a  tellin  her 
about  the  rules." 

"  Well,  well,  she's  younger  than  you  are,  you  know, 
William.  What  is  sister  in  French,  can  you  tell  ?" 

"  Yes — she's  a  sewer." 

"  No,  Bill,  I  ain't.     S-o-e-u-r,  sour  !" 


"FRENCH  WITHOUT  A  MASTER."  101 

"  Well,  ain't  the  o  a  dipthorp  ?  and  don't  you  drop  it, 
say  ?" 

"  No,  Bill,  the  e  is  the  dipthorp,  and  that  makes  it 
sour." 

11  Massy  on  the  children,  husband,  if  that  ain't  the 
way  they  keep  a  disputin'  from  mornin'  till  night.  There, 
come  along,  you  Bill  and  Sally  ;  your  father  can  ask 
you  all  about  the  table  things  in  French,  you  know. 
Come,  Hubby,  sit  down." 

"  D'ye  hear  your  mother,  my  dear ;  come  to  the  table. 
Leave  off' your  nuts,  Billy  ;  they  make  such  a  noise.5' 

"  Noise  is  brute,  and  nuts  is  knoyx,  and  table  is  tab- 
ble,"  screams  the  erudite  Bill,  as  he  draws  up  his  chair 
and  spoils  the  other  end  of  the  cucumber. 

"  Now,  then,  my  dears,  in  the  first  place,  takey  von 
some  pain,  and  fill  your  glasses  with  awe,  and  your  mo 
ther  will  help  you  to  hack.  Painis  bread,  my  love,  and 
awe  is  water,  amd  hack\s  hash.  You  see,  wily,  I  know 
something  about  it  myself.  Ha,  Ha!" 

"  Well,  what  the  world's  coming  to,  I  don't  know! 
What  with  Morse's  paragraph  and  steam  chickens  and 
learnin'  one's  self,  I  don't  belong  to  this  creation — I 
don't!" 

"  Now,  WTilliam,  what's  that  in  your  hand — not  the 
pickle,  the  knife  ?" 

It's  a  cut-o." 

"  So  it  is,  Billy,  'cause  the  dipthorp  is  all  sounded 
together  at  the  end  ;  and  daddy  was  wrong  about  the 
water." — (aside.} 

"  Oh,  he  don't  know  nothin'.  " — (aside,  also.} 

"  The  dipthorp,  you  know,  Billy,  is  only  separate 
when  it's  got  a  diarhear  on  top." — (aside.} 


102  "  FRENCH    WITHOUT    A    MASTER." 

\ 

"  Well,  I  know  that ;  shut  up." 

"  Now,  husband,  just  let  me.  ask  'em  a  little.  Sally, 
what's  this  I'm  eating  now  ?" 

"  Jaw-bane  and  choaks,  ma." 

"Ba-a-ur!  no  it  aint.  She  only  spells — she  can't 
pronounce.  You're  a  eating  shan-bung  and  shoe! 
Don't  know  what  ham  and  cabbage  is !  Ba-a-ur !" 

"  Sally,  my  love,  spelling's  a  great  deal ;  but  you 
must  mind  the  pronunciation.  Words  don't  sound  at 
all  as  they  look,  as  William  shows  you." 

"Yes;  she  went  and  said,  yesterday,  that  the  table 
cloth  was  a  toil  when  it's  towell,  and  began  a  crying 
'cause  I  said  a  glass  wasn't  a  very — Halloo !  Shovel 
run  away — shovel  run  away!  Oh,  look  there,  daddy — 
there's  the  hommy  off  and  he's  smashed  his  taty  'gainst 
the  pavy  !  The  roo  is  full  of  jowples — only  look — 

And  rushing  out  of  the  house,  dragging  after  him  the 
table-cloth  or  towell,  as  he  called  it,  the  student  of 
French  "  without  a  master"  disappeared ;  while  his 
anxious  parents,  running  to  the  window,  beheld  a  horse 
with  his  head  against  a  curb-stone,  a  gathering  crowd, 
and  the  hopeful  Billy  busiest  of  all ! 


A  ROLLICKING  DRAGOON  OFFICER. 

BY  "  THE   MAN    IN   THE    SWAMP." 

The  "Spirit  of  the  Times"  has  a  rare  correspondent  in  Mis 
sissippi,  who  signs  himself  the  Editor's  "Friend  in  the 
Swamp."  He  is  an  extraordinary  genius,  and  has  some 
friends  who  are  no  less  "characters"  in  their  way.  Of 
one  of  them — an  officer  in  the  U.  S.  Dragoons — he  relates  the 
following : — 

IN  the  summer  of  1834,  the  Dragoons  went  to  the 
Pawnee  Villages.  In  the  fall,  three  companies  under 
the  command  of  Col.  Kearney,  came  to  the  Des  Moines 
Rapids,  on  the  Mississippi,  and  wintered  there  in  some 
log  huts.  There  was  a  Captain  B.,  a  very  tall  man, 
six  feet  seven  inches,  (just  three  inches  over  me,  and 
I  think  I  am  "  some,")  with  very  large  black  whiskers, 
a  fine  looking  man — I  wonder  what  has  become  of 
him  ?  I  heard  that  he  had  resigned,  and  settled  some 
where  in  Iowa ;  he  must  be  in  Congress  before  this 
time.  The  captain  used  to  boast  that  he  could  pack  a 
gallon  without  its  setting  him  back  any.  Sometime 
during  the  winter  of  '34  or  '35,  Col.  Kearney  ordered 
Capt.  B.  to  repair  to  Rushville,  Illinois,  distant  some 
sixty  miles,  on  recruiting  service.  The  river  was 
closed  with  ice,  but  had  the  appearance  of  breaking  up 
every  day.  There  was  no  ferry  for  conveying  horses 

103 


104  A    ROLLICKING    DRAGOON    OFFICER. 

at  Des  Moines,  but  there  was  one  ten  miles  above, 
"where  a  man  by  the  name  of  Knapp  kept  a  small  store 
for  the  sale  of  dry  goods  and  whisky.  The  captain 
repaired  to  Knapp's,  and  waited  two  or  three  days 
for  the  riv«r  either  to  freeze  harder  or  break  up  ;  on 
the  third  morning  there  was  no  change  in  the  river — 
the  captain  commenced  early,  and  by  nine  o'clock 
was  packing  about  a  gallon.  He  ordered  his  horse, 
put  his  pistols  in  the  holsters,  buckled  on  his  sword, 
mounted  his  horse,  (which  was  a  very  fine  one,  and 
devilish  fast  for  a  mile,)  braced  himself  in  the  stirrups, 
turned  his  horse's  head  for  the  river,  and  took  a  long 
look  at  it.  Without  saying  a  word  to  anybody,  he 
gave  his  horse  the  spurs,  dashed  down  the  bank,  on 
the  ice,  and  crossed  the  river  at  a  "  quarter  lick" 
speed.  Kriapp  stood  thunderstruck  looking  after  him 
— he  said  he  expected  to  see  B.  and  the  horse  disap 
pear  at  every  jump,  but  they  arrived  safe  at  the  other 
bank. 

;c  Good  Lord  !"  said  Knapp,  "  I  could  have  taken  a 
pole  and  punched  holes  in  the  ice  anywhere!" 

"  Did  he  look  back" — I  inquired — "  when  he  reached 
the  other  side  ?" 

"  No,"  said  Knapp,  "  he  went  up  the  opposite  bank 
at  the  same  lick,  and  disappeared!" 

The  captain  arrived  safe  at  Rushville,  where  he 
remained  for  several  weeks,  and  returned  without  a 
man.  He  told  me  of  some  of  his  adventures  at  Rush 
ville.  He  went  into  his  favourite  grocery  or  drinking- 
house,  one  very  cold  morning,  and  found  a  crowd 
sitting  round  the  fire ;  so  close  were  they  wedged  in 
that  there  was  no  room  for  another  chair,  if  there  had 


A    ROLLICKING    DRAGOON    OFFICER.  105 

been  one  in  the  room.  No  one  moved — no  one  offered 
the  captain  a  seat.  The  fact  is,  the  captain  had  a 
way  of  making  himself  unpopular  with  such  crowds: 
he  had  an  unpleasant  way  of  using  his  fists  when  he 
got  about  a  gallon  on  board.  An  old  lady  who  lived 
near  Des  Moines,  requested  me  to  look  at  her  husband ; 
he  was  in  bed,  where  he  had  been  for  three  weeks ; 
he  was  a  justice  of  the  peace,  and  the  captain  called 
him  Chief  Justice  T.  He  said  he  and  the  captain  were 
drinking  together,  and  after  they  had  become  very 
sociable,  he  called  him  B.  without  the  captain,  and  the 
next  moment  he  was  knocked  into  the  middle  of  the 
next  three  weeks ! 

The  captain  had  been  pursuing  something  of  the 
same  practice  at  Rushville,  consequently  no  one  offered 
him  a  seat. 

The  captain  had  been  a  great  deal  about  this 
grocery,  and  knew  what  was  in  every  barrel,  box,  and 
keg  in  it.  He  took  a  good  look  at  the  crowd,  and 
finding  he  was  not  to  have  a  seat,  he  walked  behind  the 
counter,  and  picked  up  a  keg  marked  "  Dupont." 
He  walked  to  the  fire  and  threw  it  in,  remarking — 

"  Eternally    my    soul,"    [his    favourite    oath,] 

"gentlemen,  if  I  don't  think  we  have  lived  long 
enough !" 

"  Did  they  run  ?"  I  inquired. 

"  Run !"  said  he — "  I  never  saw  '  ground  and  lofty 
tumbling'  before!  They  just  threw  themselves  over 
backwards,  and  all  left  the  house  on  their  all-fours, 
some  back  end  first,  and  they  went  in  that  way  clear 
across  the  street !" 

Hearing  no  explosion,  they  after  a  while  ventured 


106  A   ROLLICKING   DRAGOON    OFFICER. 

back,  and  peeped  in;  there  sat  B.,  with  a  glass  of 
something  enjoying  himself,  the  keg  standing  in  one 
.corner  by  him — (the  keg  contained  madder  instead  of 
powder.)  Long  as  the  captain  remained  in  Rushville, 
he  had  the  grocery  all  to  himself. 

I  wonder  what  has  become  of  him  ?  If  he  has  not 
fatigued  himself  to  death,  packing  a  gallon  at  a  time, 
.he's  in  Congress  sure. 


T:i      .r 

-, 

THE  GEORGIA  MAJOR  IN  COURT. 

BY   A    TENNESSEE   EDITOR. 

We  are  indebted  to  the  Pulaski  "  Courier"  for  the  incident  sub 
joined  in  relation  to  tliat  rival  of  "  Billy  Patterson,"  the  celebra 
ted  "  Georgia  Major,"  whose  exploits  during-  the  last  five  years 
have  quite  thrown  in  the  shade  the  "  deeds  of  high  emprise" 
for  which  the  far-famed  "  Col.  Pluck"  was  so  renowned. 

His  honour,  the  mayor,  was  in  the  discharge  of  his 
official  functions  on  last  Saturday  evening — the  business 
before  him  consisting  of  two  several  charges  of  assault 
and  battery ;  to  both  of  which  our  friend,  the  ubiquitous 
"  Georgia  major,"  was  the  respondent. 

"  Do  you  plead  guilty  to  the  charge  of  assaulting  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Williams?"  asked  the  mayor  of  the  defendant. 

"  I  do  ;  that  is  to  say — " 

"  Then  I  fine  you  ten  dollars,"  said  the  mayor. 

"That  is  to  say,"  continued  the  major,  "I  plead 
guilty  ;  but  if  there's  any  way  to  get  off  from  the  fine,  I 
should  like  very  much  to  do  it." 

"  Doubtless,"  observed  his  honour. 

"  I  will  make  a  statement — or,  as  you  may  say,  a 
defence — urn — a-a-few  remarks." 

The  court  nodded  permission. 

"  You  see,  Williams  came  up  to  me,  and  spoke  some 
thing  to  me,  and,  said  I,  You  d — d  rascal,  pull  off  your 
hat  when  you  speak  to  me :"  said  the  major,  throwing 

107 


108         THE  GEORGIA  MAJOR  IN  COURT. 

himself  into  a  military  attitude.  "  That's  enough — 
ten  dollars  and  costs,"  said  his  honour.  The  major 
bowed  gracefully. 

Proceeding  now  to  the  second  charge,  his  honour 
asked  the  defendant  if  he  would  plead  guilty  again. 
Not  he !  He  would  make  a  statement  though,  in  rela 
tion,  or  in  respect  to,  or  regarding,  the  manner  of  the 
second  fight. 

"  I  was  in  the  person's  store  who  fought  me,  search 
ing  for  one  of  the  silver  eyes  which  had  dropped  out  of 
my  walking  cane  in  the  previous  fight,  when  that  person 
ordered  me  out.  Sir,  said  I,  you  must  talk  softly — 
dem'd  softly  when  you  address  me,  sir.  Upon  this,  that 
person  struck  me  with  a  skillet,  sir — an  iron  skillet,  sir 
— in  the  face."  Here  the  major  pointed  to  his  face, 
the  nasal  feature  of  which  bore  some  purplish  streaks 
that  beautifully  varied  its  usual  rich  ruby.  "And  then, 
sir,  I  fell — staggered  and  fell,  as  I  returned  the  blow 
with  my  cane.  Immediately  a  crowd  jumped  upon  me, 
and  beat  me  'til  they  were  pulled  off— they  didn't  whip 
rne,  though  ;  that  ca-n't  be  done !"  Here  he  stopped 
and  looked  round — (by  the  by  we  thought  we  heard 
the  major  "  holler.") 

A  witness  being  called  and  examined,  corroborated 
the  major's  statement,  except  as  to  the  crowd's  having 
jumped  upon  him.  No  one  interfered  with  the  combat 
ants.  The  witness  stated,  in  addition,  that  the  major 
had  contrived  to  hide  his  head  under  the  side  of  a  hogs 
head,  so  as  to  protect  it  very  effectually. 

The  major  cross-examined. 

"  You  say  nobody  touched  me  but  that  man  ?"  point 
ing  to  his  antagonist. 


THE  GEORGIA  MAJOR  IN  COURT.        109 

"Nobody." 

"  Wasn't  the  crowd  all  against  me  ?"  again  asked  the 
hero. 

"  The  crowd  thought  you  deserved  a  whipping,  for 
striking  an  inoffensive  man — a  minister  of  the  gospel," 
replied  the  witness  very  quietly. 

"  Didn't  they  all  tell  that  man  to  whip  me  well?" 

"  Yes." 

"  And  didn't  he— that  is—" 

"  Didn't  he  do  it,  you  mean  to  ask  ?  Yes  he  did, 
nicely." 

The  major  now  "  pulled  up."  He  had  been  deceived  ; 
his  imagination  had  led  him  into  error ;  completely 
carried  him  off;  had  transformed  an  individual  not  over 
the  weight  of  a  hundred  and  fifty  pounds,  into  a  large 
crowd  ;  or  at  least  had  furnished  him  with  Briarean  fa 
cilities  for  a  "rough  and  tumble  scrummage." 

"  Well,  well,"  said  the  mayor,  "  as  I  have  already 
fined  you  ten  dollars,  and  as  it  seems  in  this  case  you 
got  a  pretty  good  whipping,  I  reckon  I  must  discharge 
you  as  to  this." 

"Whipping?"  ejaculated  the  major,  becoming  posi 
tively  tragic  in  his  air;  "whipping!  is  that  a  part  of 
your  sentence — that  I  got  whipped'?  Sir,  I'd  rather  be 
fined  five  hundred  dollars  than  have  that  entered  on  the 
record  ;  it  wasn't  done  !  I,  sir,  have  never  been  whip 
ped — Jingels  couldn't  whip  me!"  And  the  major 
loomed  majestically  about  the  room. 

"  If  it  ain't  been  done,  it  kin  be  done,"  said  somebody 
in  the  crowd — whereupon  our  friend  collapsed  into  his 
original  dimensions,  in  the  folding  of  a  peacock's  tail ; 
and  wiping  the  perspiration  from  his  brow,  quietly  retired 


UNCLE  BILLY  BROWN-" GLORIOUS!" 

BY  "RAMBLER,"  or  THE  N.  o.  "PICAYUNE." 

Whether  "  Rambler"  >s  the  veritable  "  Ex  Santa  Fe  Prisoner" 
himself,  or  the  senior  of  the  editorial  brotherhood  who  stand 
sponsors  for  the  New  Orleans  "  Picayune" — a  sort  of  "  child 
of  thirty-six  fathers" — we  cannot  undertake  to  decide ;  but 
the  story  of  "  Uncle  Billy  Brown"  is  "  glorious,"  and  worthy 
of  either  of  them.  Both  Lumsden  and  Kendall  have  left 
their  editorial  sanctum  for  "  the  halls  of  the  Montezumas," 
where  each,  we  are  glad  to  learn,  has  greatly  distinguished 
himself. 


Oh,  what  has  caused  this  great  commotion !" 

Political  Song  of  '40. 


TAKE  a  large  stick — a  fence-rail  for  instance — and 
rake  it  violently  down  a  Venetian  window-blind,  or  the 
side  of  a  weather-boarded  house,  and  you  are  very  apt 
to  make  some  noise,  especially  of  a  still  evening. 

A  correspondent  of  ours,  "  Rambler,"  as  he  signs 
himself,  says  that  he  had  just  risen  from  the  supper 

table  of  the  tavern  in  the  little  village  of  G ,  in  the 

interior  of  Mississippi,  one  hot  evening  last  summer, 
and  was  passing  out  to  the  front  gallery  to  rest  himself 
after  a  long  day's  ride,  when  suddenly  he  heard  a 
tremendous  racket  as  of  some  one  raking  a  fence-rail 
no 


UNCLE    BILLY    BROWN.  Ill 

down  the  side  of  a  weather-boarded  house,  each  rake 
followed  by  a  shout  of  "glorious!  glorious!"  from  a 
pair  of  lungs  of  ten  trombone  power.  Something  extra 
was  "  going  on,"  that  was  certain,  and  tired  as  he  was, 
our  friend  at  once  hobbled  off  towards  the  point  whence 
the  unwonted  sounds  proceeded. 

He  soon  arrived  at  a  door  over  which  a  light  hung, 
and  round  which  a  score  of  little  and  big  "  niggers" 
were  assembled.  "  What's  the  fun  here  ?"  was  a 
question  answered  by  an  individual  standing  in  the 
door,  who  said  it  was  "  a  theatre."  While  paying  for 
his  ticket,  another  rake  from  the  interior,  and  another 
"  glorious !"  came  upon  our  friend's  ear,  accompanied  this 
time  by  a  loud  shout  as  of  a  large  political  multitude  as 
sembled.  He  was  soon  inside  the  room,  a  large  and  long 
one,  two-thirds  of  which  was  occupied  by  the  audience 
and  the  remainder  by  the  stage,  leaving  a  small  space 
between.  It  was  crowded  too — the  benches  and  chairs 
all  full — while  upon  the  floor  was  seated,  his  arms 
locked  around  his  knees  and  his  chin  nestled  closely  on 
his  wrists,  Uncle  Billy  Brown,  two-thirds  inebriated  and 
the  other  third  fast  asleep. 

On  one  side  of  the  room,  and  near  the  row  of  candles 
which  served  for  foot-lights,  sat  "  the  band,"  consisting 
of  a  large  black  fellow  and  no  more,  in  a  very  high  chair, 
a  violin  in  his  hands  and  a  brass  drum  between  his  legs. 
After  repeated  calls  for  "  music,"  he  finally  struck  up 
"Hey,  Jim  along,"  playing  his  fiddle  in  the  ordinary  way, 
and  with  the  true  corn-field  abandon^  and  at  the  same 
time  beating  a  rumbling  accompaniment  with  his  knees 
upon  the  drum.  This  over,  the  bell — borrowed  from  the 
tavern  after  it  rung  the  boarders  in  to  supper — now  gave 


112  UNCLE    BILLY    BROWN. 

signal  for  the  curtain  to  rise.  "  Pizarro,  or  the  Death  of 
Holla,"  got  up  by  a  Thespian  corps  of  the  town,  was  to 
be  the  first  performance.  The  Peruvian  appeared,  and 
the  applause  was  so  violent  that  the  young  amateur  who 
personated  the  character  bowed.  The  applause  con 
tinued,  and  he  bowed  lower.  Another  round,  and  he 
bowed  so  low  that  his  tights  gave  way.  A  perfect  earth 
quake  of  applause  followed  close  upon  the  heel  of  this 
disaster,  accompanied  by  a  rake  from  the  man  with  the 
fence-rail — it  was  a  man  with  a  sure-enough  fence-rail — 
and  Rolla  backed  out  and  hauled  off  to  repair  damages 
while  the  curtain  was  falling. 

The  affair  so  tickled  the  individual  with  the  fence- 
rail  that  nothing  could  stop  him.  He  raked  the  sides 
of  the  house,  and  then  shouted  "  glorious !"  and  kept  it 
up  till  his  friends  gathered  round  and  begged  him  to 
desist.  But  his  steam  was  up,  and  the  only  way  he 
could  keep  from  bursting  was  to  rail  and  shout  with  all 
his  might.  A  compromise  was  finally  made  with  him, 
he  agreeing  if  they  would  allow  him  to  "  make  a  short 
exhort"  at  the  door,  and  "  sing  a  hymn,"  he  would  not 
use  his  rail  again  unless  something  extra  turned  up. 

Silence  having  been  restored,  the  play  was  progress 
ing  towards  a  termination,  when  another  interruption 
occurred.  In  one  of  the  most  affecting  scenes,  and 
while  the  audience  sat  motionless,  speechless,  and 
apparently  breathless,  a  very  large  gentleman  from  the 
country  rose  in  his  seat,  leaned  himself  forward,  and 
fixed  his  gaze  intently  on  one  of  the  performers.  Sud 
denly  he  threw  out  his  arms,  exclaiming  "  Good  God ! 
aint  that  McDonald  ?"  Away  the  audience  went  in 
uerfect  convulsions  of  laughter,  down  came  the  fence- 


tJncle  Billy  Brown  "Glorious"  at  a  country  theatre  in  Mississippi. — Page  1 13. 


UNCLE    BILLY    BROWN.  113 

rail  against  the  blinds  with  a  rake  that  made  all  rattle 
again,  and  high  above  the  din  arose  the  shout  of 
tl  glorious !"  The  fat  man  from  the  country  heeded 
not  the  noise  and  commotion  around  him,  but  kept  his 
eye  fixed  on  the  half-stupified  performer.  "  Down  in 
front!"  came  from  those  on  the  back  seats,  but  the  fat 
man  heard  not  the  summons.  He  raised  his  open  hand 
over  his  eyes  to  obtain  a  closer  sight,  and  bent  himself 
still  farther  forward.  "  Why,  no  it  aint,"  ejaculated 
he,  half  in  doubt — "  why,  yes  it  is" — and  then  straight 
ening  himself,  and  slapping  his  right  hand  violently  in 
his  open  left,  he  finished  with  "  D — n  me  if  it  isn't 
McDonald  sure  enough."  If  there  had  been  a  din 
before,  there  was  a  perfect  earthquake  of  noise  now. 
The  old  fence-rail  came  down  on  the  weather-boarding 
with  a  rake  that  started  the  nails,  the  shout  of  "glo 
rious  /"  appeared  louder  from  its  very  hoarseness,  every 
pair  of  feet  was  stamping — every  pair  of  hands  was 
clapping,  every  throat  was  open  and  yelling,  while  out 
side  the  theatre  the  horses  tied  to  the  fences  broke  their 
bridles,  and  were  stampeding  and  cavorting  about  amid 
shouts  of  "  Stop  him !"  "  Whoa  !"  "  Hold  my  critter, 
there !"  and  similar  ejaculations.  Never  had  there  been 

such  an  uproar  in  the  little  village  of  G . 

Order  was  finally  restored,  but  only  until  sheer  ex 
haustion  left  the  audience  unable  to  make  further  noisy 
demonstrations ;  and  now  the  part  enacted  by  the  fat 
gentleman  from  the  country  was  explained,  it  seemed 
that  the  Thespian's  name  who  had  attracted  his  atten 
tion  was  really  McDonald.  Some  four  months  previous 
he  had  been  reported  dead  to  the  fat  gentleman,  and  as 
the  report  had  never  been  contradicted,  his  bewilder- 


114  UNCLE    BILLY    BROWN. 

ment  at  seeing  his  quondam  acquaintance,  for  he  had 
finally  made  him  out  through  all  his  paint,  feathers,  and 
stage  trappings,  led  him  to  depart  a  shade  from  the 
ordinary  etiquette  established  among  theatrical  audi 
ences.  He  sat  down,  and  once  more  the  play  com 
menced.  All  was  hushed — a  perfect  quiet  reigned — 
when  suddenly  it  struck  the  fat  man  that  he  had  made 
himself  supremely  ridiculous  by  the  part  he  had  played 
a  few  moments  before.  No  sooner  had  this  fancy  fairly 
taken  foothold  in  his  mind  than,  in  the  very  midst  of 
a  silence  which  would  have  become  a  graveyard  at 
midnight,  he  laid  himself  back  in  his  seat,  raised  both 
his  hands  above  his  head,  and  broke  out  with  a  "  Ha ! 
ha!  ha!"  that  might  have  been  heard  a  mile.  Again 
the  audience  was  thrown  into  convulsions,  again  the 
fence-rail  came  rattling  down  the  sides  of  the  house, 
again  the  shout  of  "glorious!"  rose  above  the  din,  and 
as  if  this  was  not  enough,  the  actors  forgot  Sheridan's 
poetry  and  fairly  screamed  in  chorus — the  moody  and 
relentless  Pizarro  even  taking  a  part,  and  laughing  until 
the  perspiration  wore  furrows  through  the  red  and  black 
ferocity  which  rouge  and  burnt  cork  had  given  his 
countenance.  It  was  not  until  exhaustion  had  once 
more  got  the  mastery  that  order  was  restored,  and  the 
performance  now  went  on  with  little  interruption  until 
"  Pizarro"  ended  with  the  "  Death  of  Holla." 

All  this  while,  notwithstanding  the  din,  Uncle  Billy 
Brown  had  continued  to  snooze  upon  the  floor ;  nor  did 
the  bustle  attendant  upon  the  fall  of  the  curtain  serve 
to  raise  him.  The  afterpiece  of  the  "  Mock  Doctor" 
commenced,  yet  Uncle  Billy  was  perfectly  unconscious 
of  what  was  going  on  around  him.  He  was  well 


UNCLE    BILLY    BROWN.  115 

known  as  the  captain  of  a  "land  packet'' — in  plain 
terms,  the  driver  of  an  ox-team  which  plied  between 
G and  the  river  towns — and  but  that  he  occa 
sionally  muttered  "  Gee,"  "  Whoa,"  and  the  like, 
as  in  his  dreams  he  imagined  himself  along  with  his 
team,  no  sounds  escaped  him.  As  the  farce  advanced, 
he  gave  a  species  of  groan — a  forerunner  of  returning 
consciousness — yet  still  he  did  not  raise  his  head.  The 
sham  doctor  was  now  proceeding  to  administer  one  of 
his  nostrums  to  a  patient,  but  the  latter  being  backward 
he  endeavoured  to  persuade  him.  Uncle  Billy  groaned 
again,  and  partially  raised  his  head.  The  doctor  con 
tinued  his  endeavours  to  force  his  drugs  down  his 
patient's  throat :  Uncle  Billy  gave  still  another  groan, 
and  opened  his  eyes.  He  had  half-recognised  the  voice 
of  the  doctor,  who  was  an  old  enemy  of  his,  and  en 
tirely  forgetting  where  he  was,  and  imagining  the  Thes 
pian  endeavouring  to  force  the  vile  mixture  down  his 

throat,  he  broke  out  with,  "  No — you — don't !    To 

with  your  pills;  take  'em  yourself,  d — n  you,  I  don't 
like  you,  no  how!" 

Here  was  fresh  and  most  abundant  cause  of  uproar, 
and  a  new  episode  in  the  performance  was  introduced. 
The  manager  came  forward  and  ordered  that  Uncle 
Billy  be  turned  out — Uncle  Billy  drew  a  bowie  and  in 
timated  a  desire  to  see  the  chap  willing  to  undertake  the 
job.  An  assistant  about  the  theatre  grappled  him,  and 
they  were  soon  upon  the  floor  engaged  in  a  regular 
rough-and-tumble  fight.  Two-thirds  of  the  foot-lights 
were  at  once  kicked  over,  while  shouts  of  "  Fair  play," 
"  Turn  'em  out,"  "  Give  him  goss,"  "  No  gouging," 
were  heard  on  all  sides.  The  ladies  scrambled  and 


116  UNCLE    BILLY    BROWN. 

scampered  out,  the  actors  mingled  with  the  audience, 
the  fat  gentleman  laughed  louder  than  ever,  Uncle  Billy 
tusseled  and  swore,  but  high  above  the  laughing,  cursing, 
and  swearing,  arose  the  efforts  of  the  rail-man.  He 
had  started  off  the  boards  on  one  side  of  the  room,  but 
having  found  a  fresh  spot  he  was  raking  away  with 
all  his  might  to  the  accompaniment  of  "glorious! 
plorious  /" 

Thui.  «nded  a  theatrical  performance  in  Mississippi. 
Our  correspondent  says  that  he  dug  his  way  out  of  the 
house  and  made  the  best  speed  he  could  to  the  tavern 
and  to  bed  ;  but  the  scenes  of  the  evening  haunted  him 
in  his  dreams,  and  several  times  he  awoke  with  his 
hands  clasped  to  his  ears  to  shut  out  the  dreadful 
raking  of  the  "  glorious"  fellow  with  the  fence-rail. 


OLD  TUTTLE'S  LAST  QUARTER  RACE. 

BY  "  BUCKEYE,"  OF  OHIO. 

The  story  annexed  is  the  first  attempt  at  authorship  of  a  new 
Ohio  correspondent  of  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times."  He  will 
be  heard  of  again.  We  should  premise  that  the  circumstances 
described  actually  occurred  in  June  last. 

A  FEW  xveeks  since,  Sol.  Lauflin  matched  his  bay 
four  year  old  colt  by  Bacchus  vs.  Hugh's  bay  mare  by 
Bacchus,  also  four  years  old,  to  run  a  quarter,  in  the  lane 
near  this  place,  for  a  C  speck.  As  the  colt  was  known 
to  be  a  sharp  one,  and  his  owner  "  one  of  the  b'hoys" 
for  a  quarter  race,  and  that  he  also  had  the  assistance  of 
"  Old  Tuttle,"  (who  will  figure  presently,)  he  had  the 
call  in  the  betting  at  six  to  four,  until  the  day  before  the 
race,  when  the  inare  made  her  appearance,  looking  every 
inch  a  Bacchus,  and  fine  as  a  star ;  and  the  owners  of 
the  old  horse  making  a  demonstration  in  her  favour,  the 
odds  fell  off,  and  numerous  small  sums  were  laid  out  at 
evens,  up  to  the  time  of  the  race. 

On  the  mounting  of  the  riders,  it  appeared  that  the 
colt  had  the  advantage  in  training  or  management,  as 
the  mare  was  very  restive,  and  finally  broke  from  her 
starter,  and  run  like  a  scared  dog,  going  quite  through 
before  her  rider  could  take  her  up.  Here  the  friends  of 
the  colt  again  rallied,  and  some  money  was  laid  out  at 
five  to  four,  p.  p.,  but  when  it  was  known  that  the  mare 
was  not  hurt  and  would  start  again,  the  odds  fell  off,  and 
even  was  again  the  order  of  the  day. 

117 


118          OLD  TUTTLE'S  LAST  QUARTER  RACE. 

The  mare  was  soon  at  her  post  again,  and  this  time 
they  got  off,  the  mare  a  little  in  the  van,  which  she 
maintains  throughout,  and  is  declared  a  winner  by  five 
feet !  Well,  there !  if  you  ever  heard  a  small  crowd 
shout,  you  know  what  was  done  then — and  if  knowing 
ones  were  ever  struck  speec.hless,  them's  they  ! 

Prior  to  the  main  race,  or,  as  the  play-bills  have  it, 
"previous  to  which,"  was  acted  the  farce  of  "  Dog  eat 
Dog,"  or  "  The  boys"  vs.  "Old  Turtle."  In  order  to 
get  the  cream  of  this,  you  must  /enow  Old  Turtle — and 
as  I  am  utterly  unable  to  do  him  justice  in  a  description, 
I'll  squat,  and  let  Hooker  do  it. 

Look  at  the  picture  of  "  Simon  Suggs,"  and  you'll 
see  Old  T.  physically ;  in  the  trial  scene  you  find  him 
intellectually,  and  in  the  camp-meeting  scene,  morally. 
Were  it  not  that  Old  T.  never  "samples"  too  much 
when  on  business,  and  fights  the  "  hoss  b'hoys"  instead 
of  the  "  Tiger,"  I  should  say  they  were  one  and  the 
same  person.  As  a  matter  of  course,  a  quarter  race 
never  goes  off  without  his  being  thar — and  he  never 
attends  without  doing  some  business  !  So  on  Thursday 
he  makes  his  appearance  on  the  track,  on  a  bay  gelding, 
(with  white  hind  feet,)  which  he  calls  "  Indian  Dick," 
and  "  allows  he's  as  good  a  scrub  as  there'll  be  on  the 
ground!"  As  Old  T.  is  known,  and  Dick  has  been 
heard  of,  the  boys  are  rather  shy — but  one  of  them 
thinks  he's  got  a  scrub  that's  "some  pumpkins!"  and 
would  like  to  know,  without  too  much  cost,  how  fai 
Dick  can  beat  him  ;  he  therefore  proposes  to  run  them 
three  hundred  yards,  for  "sucks  all  round."  Old  T. 
understands  the  game,  and  says,  "  No,  I  don't  want  yer 
to  treat  this  crowd,  but  I'll  run  with  yer,  just  to  show  you 


OLD  TUTTLE'S  LAST  QUARTER  RACE.           119 

yer  hoss  can't  run  !"  This  was  what  H.  wanted,  as  he 
thought  ke  could  tell  the  speed  of  a  horse,  even  though  Old 
T.  did  ride  him  ;  so  back  they  go  to  the  score,  and  are  off 
— with  (as  might  be  expected)  H.  ahead,  and  Old  T.  in 
the  rear,  whipping  and  spurring  like  mad,  and  letting 
his  horse  go  just  fast  enough  to  put  H.'s  at  about  the  top 
of  his  speed — but  he  can't  quite  come  it — "  H.'s  horse 
is  too  smart,  and  can  beat  him  every  inch  of  the  road." 
So  says  H.,  and  most  of  the  crowd  are  of  the  same 
opinion. 

Old  T.  says  he  believes  he  can  beat  H.  Saturday,  as 
"  Dick's  shoes  are  loose,  and  heavy,  and  he  can't  run 
in  'em." 

There  was  nothing  more  said  about  it  till  old  Tut. 
made  his  appearance  next  morning,  when  the  boys  were 
all  after  him  with  "  sharp  sticks"  and  "  hot  bricks" — 
one  wanted  to  bet  him  a  horse  on  H.'s  colt  vs.  his  In 
dian  Dick — another  a  V.,  another  an  X.,  and  so  on. 

"  Hold  yer  bosses,  b'hoys !  Don't  all  be  after  the 
old  man  at  wunst.  Wait  a  while  and  he'll  commerdate 
yer !  He's  an  old  man,  and  b'lieves  he  knows  mor'n 
all  on  yer ; — but  he  don't  want  all  your  money  at  wunst. 
He  wants  to  be  onabel  with  yer,  so  he  can  cum  agin." 

This  of  course  didn't  set  them  back  any,  as  they 
thought  the  old  man  was  scary,  and  they  were  after  him 
the  faster.  Some  of  the  more  wary  cautioned  them  to 
look  out,  but  they  didn't  want  no  caution — they  knew 
what  they  was  about !  They  could  beat  Old  Tattle  !  and 
they  were  going  to  "  do  the  State  some  service"  by 
skinning  him.  They'd  make  the  "  old  cuss"  poor  afore 
they  left  him ! 

He  took  it  all  very  coolly,  advised  some  of  them  to 


120  OLD  TUTTLE'S  LAST  QUARTER  RACE. 

save  their  money  for  next  time.  He  was  an  old  man, 
and  b'lieved  he  knew  more'ri  all  on  'em.  His  father 
didn't  work  for  nothw?  sixty-five  years  ago  !  But  the  boys 
said  that  was  all  gas,  to  scare  them  off;  but  'twouldn't 
work !  The  old  cuss  had  got  to  be  skinned  or  back 
out. 

The  result  was,  they  got  up  a  horse  and  fifty  dollars 
in  money  a  side,  to  run  on  Saturday  at  two  o'clock, 
each  one  to  start  and  ride  his  own  horse,  judge  tops 
and  bottoms — the  winning  horse  take  the  cakes — and 
no  back  out !  Either  party  refusing  to  run  forfeits  the 
whole  stakes. 

Things  went  on  smooth  that  day — some  thinking  Old 
T.  was  playing  some  game  on  the  boys,  but  what  the 
d — 1  it  was,  no  one  could  tell.  However,  before  night 
it  wras  known  there  was  a  secret  among  the  boys.  They 
knew  the  speed  of  Dick,  and  knew  they  could  slay  him  ; 
but  there  mustn't  any  thing  be  said  about  it,  as  when 
they  got  the  old  man  on  the  track  and  right,  they  were 
going  into  him  the  whole  amount  of  his  fixings.  They'd 

caught  the  old  man  napping  once.  They'd  got  a 

sight  faster  horse  than  he  thought  for — and  now  they 
were  going  to  pay  off  old  scores. 

Two  o'clock  came,  and  found  Old  T.  on  the  spot, 
leading  Dick  round,  and  telling  the  boys  they'd  be  sur 
prised  when  they  see  Dick  run  his  best — at  the  same  time 
"  doing  what  business  offered" — but  somehow  the  boys 
appeared  a  little  scary.  Old  T.  was  "  on  hand"  for 
every  offer,  and  no  mistake,  and  'twas  known  he  never 
bet  liberally,  unless  he  "  had  a  sure  thing,"  so  that  the 
betting  soon  began  to  lag,  and  the  old  man  had  the  call, 
but  no  takers.  Finally  the  old  man  said,  "  I've  got  a 


OLD  TUTTLE'S  LAST  QUARTER  RACE.          121 

little  more  money,  b'hoys,  and  I  wouldn't  mind  giving 
you  a  chance  at  two  to  one  for  it."  But  this  set  them  clar 
back — no  one  dare  bite.  There  not  appearing  any  more 
chance  for  investment,  the  old  man  stripped  off  his  hat, 
coat,  vest  and  boots,  tied  a  red  cotton  bandanna  around 
his  head,  (as  an  old  man  only  can  tie  it,)  then  pulls  off 
the  clothes  and  saddle  from  Dick,  and  mounts,  bare 
back,  declaring  himself  ready. 

H.  mounted,  and  the  word  was  given  to  "  clear  the 
track !"  Then  Old  T.  says,  "  Are  yer  ready  ?"  »«  Yes.'r 
"  Go  long,  then !"  And  over  the  score  they  go,  H.  a 
length  ahead.  But,  oh  !  Jeminy !  see  Dick  run!  Before 
you  could  turn  round  twice,  the  ends  of  Old  T.'s  ban 
danna  were  pointing  out  the  road  for  H.,  and  at  the  out 
come  Dick  was  one,  H.  nowhere ! 

Anybody  that  has  seen  a  "  quarter-horse"  run  by  a 
"  dunghill"  /mows  how  this  was — no  one  else  can  ap 
preciate  it.  The  thing  was  out.  Old  T.  really  knew 
more  than  all  of  them,  sure  enough — but  what  was  the 

secret,  and  how  in could  those  in  the  secret  be  so 

stuck  ?  That's  the  idea. 

The  secret  was,  "  THE  BOYS"  STOLE  OLD  TUTTLE'S 
HORSE  on  Thursday  night,  and  run  him  with  H.'s  horse, 
and  beat  him  easy  !  And  the  way  they  were  stuck  was 
this :  the  old  man,  supposing  they  would  steal  his  horse 
that  night,  and  run  him,  had  put  Dick's  clothes  on  an 
other  horse  of  the  same  colour  and  marks,  and  about  the 
same  size,  and  put  him  in  Dick's  stall,  starting  a  shoe, 
so  that  if  they  run  him  they  would  lose  it,  and  he  should 
know  they  had  taken  the  bait  good.  In  the  morning  the 
shoe  was  gone ! 


BILL  DEAN,  THE  TEXAN  RANGER. 

BY  GEO.  W.  KENDALL,  ESQ.  OF  TJIE  N.  O.  PICAYUNE. 

In  a  late  letter  from  the  "  seat  of  war"  in  Mexico,  Kendall  fur 
nishes  some  capital  sketches  of  the  jokers  in  the  army,  from 
which  we  quote  the  following: — 

RARE  wags  maybe  found  among  the  Texas  Volunteers, 
yet  the  funniest  fellow  of  all  is  a  happy-go-lucky  chap 
named  Bill  Dean,  one  of  Chevallier's  spy  company,  and 
said  to  be  one  of  the  best "  seven-up"  players  in  all  Texas. 
While  at  Corpus  Christi,  a  lot  of  us  were  sitting  out  on 
the  stoop  of  the  Kinney  House,  early  one  morning,  when 
along  came  Bill  Dean.  He  did  not  know  a  single  soul 
in  the  crowd,  although  he  knew  we  were  all  bound  for 
the  Rio  Grande  ;  yet  the  fact  that  the  regular  formalities 
of  an  introduction  had  not  been  gone  through  with,  did 
not  prevent  his  stopping  short  in  his  walk  and  accosting 
us.  His  speech,  or  harangue,  or  whatever  it  may  be 
termed,  will  lose  ranch  in  the  telling,  yet  I  will  endeavour 
to  put  it  upon  paper  in  as  good  shape  as  possible. 

"  Oh,  yes,"  said  he,  with  a  knowing  leer  of  the  eye  : 
"  oh,  yes ;  all  going  down  among  the  robbers  on  the  Rio 
Grande,  are  you?  Fine  times  you'll  have,  over  the 
left.  I've  been  there  myself,  and  done  what  a  great 
many  of  you  won't  do — I  come  back :  but  if  I  did'nt 
see  nateral  h — 11, — in  August  at  that, — I  am  a  teapot. 
Lived  eight  days  on  one  poor  hawk  and  three  black- 
122 


BILL  DEAN,  THE  TEXAN  RANGER.         123 

berries — couldn't  kill  a  prairie  rat  on  the  whole  route  to 
save  us  from  starvation.  The  ninth  day  come,  and  we 
struck  a  small  streak  of  good  luck — a  horse  give  out  and 
broke  down,  plumb  out  in  the  centre  of  an  open  prairie 
— not  a  stick  big  enough  to  tickle  a  rattlesnake  with, 
let  alone  killing  him.  Just  had  time  to  save  the  critter 
by  shootin'  him,  and  that  was  all,  for  in  three  minutes 
longer  he'd  have  died  a  nateral  death.  It  didn't  take 
us  long  to  butcher  him,  nor  to  cut  off  some  chunks  of 
meat  and  stick  'em  on  our  ramrods;  but  the  cookin' 
was  another  matter.  I  piled  up  a  heap  of  prairie  grass, 
for  it  was  high  and  dry,  and  sot  it  on  fire  ;  but  it  flashed 
up  like  powder,  and  went  out  as  quick.  But — " 

(<  But,"  put  in  one  of  his  hearers,  "  but  how  did  you 
cook  your  horse-meat  after  that?" 

"  How  ?" 

"  Yes,  how  ?" 

"  Why,  the  fire  caught  the  high  grass  close  by,  and 
the  wind  carried  the  flames  streakin'  across  the  prairie. 
I  followed  up  the  fire,  holding  my  chunk  of  meat  directly 
over  the  blaze,  and  the  way  we  went  it  was  a  caution 
to  any  thing  short  of  locomotive  doin's.  Once  in  a  while 
a  little  flurry  of  wind  would  come  along,  and  the  fire 
would  get  a  few  yards  the  start ;  but  I'd  brush  upon 
her,  lap  her  with  my  chunk,  and  then  we'd  have  it 
again,  nip  and  chuck.  You  never  seed  such  a  tight 
race — it  was  beautiful." 

"  Very,  we've  no  doubt,"  ejaculated  one  of  the 
listeners,  interrupting  the  mad  wag  just  in  season  to 
eive  him  a  little  breath  :  "  but  did  you  cook  your  meat 
in  the  end  ?" 

"Not  bad  I   did'nt.     I  chased  that  d d  fire  a 


BILL    DEAN,    THE    TEXAS    RANGER. 

mile  and  a  half,  the  almightiest  hardest  race  you  ever 
heer'd  tell  on,  and  never  give  it  up  until  I  run  her  right 
plump  into  a  wet  marsh :  there  the  fire  and  chunk  of 
horse-meat  came  out  even — a  dead  heat,  especially  the 
meat." 

"But  wasn't  it  cooked?"  put  in  another  one  of  the 
listeners. 

11  Cooked ! — no ! — just  crusted  over  a  little.  You 
don't  cook  broken-down  horse-flesh  very  easy,  no  how ; 
but  when  it  comes  to  chasing  up  a  prairie  fire  with  a 
chunk  of  it,  I  don't  know  which  is  the  toughest,  the 
meat  or  the  job.  You'd  have  laughed  to  split  yourself 
to  have  seen  me  in  that  race — to  see  the  fire  leave  me 
at  times  and  then  to  see  me  brushin'  up  on  her  agin, 
humpin'  and  movin'  myself  as  though  I  was  runnin 
agin'  some  of  those  big  ten  mile  an  hour  Gildersleeves 
in  the  old  States.  But  I'm  a  goin  over  to  Jack  Haynes's 
to  get  a  cocktail  and  some  breakfast — I'll  see  you  all 
down  among  the  robbers  on  the  Rio  Grande." 


THE  STEAMBOAT  CAPTAIN  WHO  WAS 
AVERSE  TO  RACING. 

BY    "  THE    YOUNG    'UN,"    OF    PHILADELPHIA. 

One  of  the  most  popular  correspondents  of  the  "  Spirit  of  the 
Times"  is  "  The  Young  'Un" — the  nomme  de  plume  of  a 
young  gentleman  who  has  lately  become  a  resident  of  Phila 
delphia.  We  are  not  at  liberty  to  disclose  his  name,  but  he 
may  be  seen  in  Chestnut  street  any  fine  day. 

EARLY  in  the  spring  of  the  present  year,  a  magnifi 
cent  new  steamer  was  launched  upon  the  Ohio  river, 
and  shortly  afterward  made  her  appearance  at  the  Levee, 
opposite  the  flourishing  city  of  Cincinnati.  Gilt-edged 
covers,  enveloping  the  captain's  "  respects,"  accom 
panied  with  invitations  to  "  see  her  through,"  upon  her 
first  trip  down  the  river,  were  forwarded  to  the  editorial 
corps  in  that  vicinity ;  the  chalked  hats  were  "nume 
rous"  on  the  occasion.  It  was  a  grand  affair,  this  debut 
of  a  floating  palace,  which  has  since  maintained  her 
repute  untarnished  as  the  "  crack  boat,"  par  excellence, 
upon  the  Western  waters.  Your  humble  servant  was 
among  the  "  invited  guests" — and  a  nice  time  he  had 
of  it! 

I  found  myself  on  board  this  beautiful  craft  in  "  close 
communion"  with  a  score  of  unquestionable  "beauties." 
The  company  proved  to  be  a  heterogeneous  conglome 
ration  of  character — made  up  of  editors,  lawyers,  auc- 

125 


126     THE    CAP7AIN    WHO    WAS    AVERSE    TO    RACING. 

tioneers,  indescribables,  and  "fancies" — with  a  sprink 
ling  of  "  none-such's."  There  was  a  stray  parson,  too, 
in  the  crowd — but  as  his  leisure  time  "  between  meals" 
was  spent  in  trading  horses,  we  dispensed  with  his 
"  grace  before  meals." 

We  left  our  moorings  an  hour  before  sunset,  upon  a 
clear  cold  afternoon,  and  passed  rapidly  down  stream 
for  a  considerable  distance,  without  experiencing  any 
out-of-the-way  occurrence.  The  "  sons  of  temperance," 
and  the  parson  aforesaid,  amused  themselves  over  a 
smoking  whisky  toddy — the  "  boys"  were  relieving 
each  other  of  their  superfluous  dimes  and  quarters  at 
euchre,  when  a  tall  gentleman,  who  was  "  some,"  (when 
he  was  sober,)  stepped  suddenly  into  the  cabin,  and 
imparted  the  information  that  a  well-known  "  fast  boat" 
had  just  hove  in  sight,  at  the  mouth  of  the  Kentucky 
river.  The  cards  were  "  dropt"  instanter — the  punches 
disappeared — and  the  "  mourners"  were  soon  distri 
buted  in  knots  upon  the  promenade  deck,  to  watch  the 
progress  of  events. 

Our  "  bully"  boat  sped  away  like  a  bird,  however, 
and  the  craft  behind  gave  us  early  evidence  that  she 
should  offer  no  child's  play.  The  "  fat  was  in  the 
fire"  at  once — a  huge  column  of  black  smoke  curled 
up  in  the  clear  atmosphere — an  extra  turn  or  two  was 
visible  upon  our  own  boat,  and  away  we  went!  A 
good  deal  of  excitement  existed  among  the  party,  as 
the  rival  steamer  was  clearly  gaining  upon  us.  A  craft 
like  ours,  with  such  a  company,  and  such  a  captain, 
musn't  be  beaten. 

As  the  boat  behind  us  fell  in  under  our  stern,  and  we 
could  "  count  her  passengers,"  a  sort  of  impression 


THE    CAPTAIN    WHO    WAS    AVERSE    TO    RACING.      127 

came  over  us,  that,  by  some  mistake,  we  had  got  upon 
the  wrong  boat!  At  least,  such  was  the  expressed 
opinion  of  the  parson,  as  he  threatened  to  "  go  down 
stairs"  and  take  another  drink.  Our  captain  was  a 
noble  fellow — he  paced  the  deck  quietly,  with  a  con 
stant  eye  to  wind'ard ;  but  he  said  nothing.  A  bevy 

of  the  mourners  stepped  up  to  him,  with 

"  What  speed,  cap'n  ?" 
"  Fair,  gentlemen  ;  I  may  say  very  fair." 
"  Smart  craft,  that,  behind,"  ventured  one. 
"Very,"  responded  the  captain,  calmly,  as  he  placed 
his  hand  upon  a  small  brass  knob  at  the  back  of  the 
pilot  house.     This  movement  was  responded  to  by  the 
famt  jingling  of  a  beH  below,  followed  immediately  by 
a  rush  of  cinders  from  the  smoke-pipes,  and  an  improved 
action  of  the  paddles. 
"  Now  we  more  again." 

"  Some,"  was  the  response,  and  a  momentary  tremor 
pervaded  the  boat  as  she  "  slid  along"  right  smartly. 

But  tht  craft  in  our  rear  moved  like  our  shadow  on 
the  calm  waters,  and  as  we  shot  down  the  river,  it 
seemed  as  if  we  had  her  "  in  tow,"  so  calmly  and  uni 
formly  did  she  follow  in  our  wake.  The  excitement  of 
the  congregation  upon  deck  had  by  this  time  become 
intense,  and  it  was  pretty  plain  that  the  boats  must 
shortly  part  company,  or  "  split  something!"  The  ras 
cal  behind  us  took  advantage  of  a  turn  in  the  channel, 
and  "  helm  a-starboard !"  was  c.early  heard  from  the 
look-out  of  our  rival,  as  she  "hove  off,"  and  suddenly 
fell  alongside  us !  The  parson  went  below  at  once,  to 
put  his  threat  into  execution,  as  we  came  up  into  the 
current  again,  "  neok  and  neck ;"  and  when  he  returned 


128     THE    CAPTAIN    WHO    WAS    AVERSE    TO    RACING. 

we  were  running  a  twenty-five-knot  lick,  the   steam 
smack  on  to  49° ! 

"  She's  going — goin'  go ,"  muttered  an  auction 
eer  to  himself. 

"  A  perfect  nonsuit,"  remarked  a  lawyer. 

"  Beaten,  but  not  vanquished,"  added  a  politician ; 
and  away  we  scudded  side  by  side  for  half  a  mile. 

"  Wouldn't  she  bear  a  leetle  more  ?"  meekly  asked 
the  parson. 

"  She's  doing  very  well,"  replied  the  captain. 
"Don't  get  excited,  gentlemen;  my  boat  is  a  new 
one — her  reputation  and  mine  is  at  stake.  We  musn't 
rush  her — racing  always  injures  a  boat,  and  I  am  averse 
to  it ;"  saying  which  he  applied  his  thumb  and  finger 
to  the  brass  knob  again — the  bell  tinkled  in  the  dis 
tance — and  our  rival  pilot  shortly  had  an  opportunity  to 
examine  the  architecture  of  our  rudder-post ! 

I  was  acquainted  with  the  engineer.  I  stepped 
below,  (believing  we  should  be  beaten  at  our  present 
speed,)  and  entering  the  engine-room — 

"  Tim,"  said  I,  "  we'll  be  licked — give  her  another 
turn,  eh  ?" 

"  I  rayther  think  she  moves  some  as  it  is,"  said  Tim. 

"  Yes :  but  the  C is  hard  on  us — give  her  a  little, 

my  boy — just  for " 

"  Step  in  here  a  moment,"  remarked  Tim  ;  "  it's  all 
'mum,'  you  know — nothin  to  be  said,  eh?  Quiet— » 
there ! — don't  she  tremble  some  ?" 

I  noticed,  for  the  first  time,  that  our  boat  did  labour 
prodigiously! 

"But  come  round  here,"  continued  Tim:  "look 
there  .'—mum1 s  the  word  you  know." 


THE   CAPTAIN    WHO    WAS   AVERSE    TO    RACING.      129 

I  stepped  out  of  that  engine-room  (Tim  said  after 
wards,  that  I  "  sprang  out  at  one  bound  ;"  but  he  lied !) 
in  a  hurry.  The  solder  upon  the  connection-pipe  had 
melted  and  run  down  over  the  seams  in  a  dozen  places, 
from  the  excessive  heat — a  crow-bar  was  braced  athwart 
the  safety-valve,  with  a  "  fifty-six"  upon  one  end — and 
we  were  shooting  down  the  Ohio,  under  a  head  of  steam 
"chock  up"  to  5440!! 

My  "sleeping  apartment"  was  well  aft.  I  entered 
the  state-room — got  over  upon  the  back  side  of  my 
berth — and,  stuffing  the  corners  of  the  pillow  into  my 
ears,  endeavoured  to  compose  myself  in  sleep.  It  was 
out  of  the  question.  In  attempting  to  "right  myself," 
I  discovered  that  my  hair  stuck  out  so  straight,  it  was 
impossible  for  me  to  get  my  head  within  six  inches  of  the 
pillow  ! 

I  tossed  about  till  daylight,  in  momentary  expectation 
of  being  landed  in  Kentucky,  (or  somewhere  else !)  but 
we  got  on  finely.  We  led  our  rival  half  an  hour  into 
Louisville ;  and  I  immediately  swore  upon  my  nightcap 
that  I  would  never  accept  another  invitation,  for  a  plea 
sure  trip,  from  a  steamboat  captain  who  was  averse  to 
racing  ! 


BOB  HERRING,  THE  ARKANSAS  BEAR 
HUNTER. 

BY  T.  B.  THORPE,  ESQ.,  OF  NEW  ORLEANS. 

As  the  author  of  "  The  Mysteries  of  the  Backwoods,"  and  a 
series  of  sporting  sketches  in  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  of 
which  "  The  Big  Bear  of  Arkansas,"  and  "  Tom  Owen,  the 
Bee  Hunter,"  are  perhaps  best  known,  Mr.  Thorpe  has  ac 
quired  the  most  enviable  reputation  on  both  sides  of  the  At 
lantic.  It  is  not  so  general!}'  known  that  he  is,  by  profession, 
a  painter ;  and  his  abilities  as  an  artist  are  cheerfully  ac 
knowledged  by  his  contemporaries.  Since  the  breaking  out 
of  the  war  with  Mexico,  Thorpe  has  visited  its  theatre,  and 
the  result  has  been  a  very  interesting  volume,  containing 
many  illustrations  from  drawings  by  himself,  made  on  thf 
spot.  It  is  called  "  Our  Army  of  Occupation  ;"  the  pub 
lishers  were  Carey  &  Hart,  of  Philadelphia ;  and  the  wort 
may  be  obtained  at  any  book-store  for  half-a-dollar,  though 
worth  five  times  that  amount. 

IT  is  not  expected  that  a  faithful  description  of  the 
Devil's  Summer  Retreat,  in  Arkansas,  will  turn  the  cur 
rent  of  fashion  of  two  worlds,  from  Brighton  and  Bath, 
or  from  Ballston  or  Saratoga,  although  the  residents  in 
the  neighbourhood  of  that  delightful  place  profess  to 
have  ocular  demonstration,  as  well  as  popular  opinion, 
that  his  Satanic  Majesty,  in  warm  weather,  regularly 
retires  to  the  "retreat,"  and  "there  reclines  in  the 
cool."  The  solemn  grandeur  that  surrounds  this 

130 


BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER.        131 

distinguished  resort  is  worthy  of  the  hero,  as  repre 
sented  by  Milton ;  its  characteristics  are  darkness, 
gloom,  and  mystery  ;  it  is  composed  of  the  unrivalled 
vegetation  and  forest  of  the  Mississippi  Valley.  View 
it  when  you  will,  whether  decked  out  in  all  the  luxuri 
ance  of  a  southern  summer,  or  stripped  of  its  foliage 
by  the  winter's  blasts  ;  it  matters  not,  its  grandeur  is 
always  sombre.  The  huge  trees  seem  immortal,  their 
roots  look  as  if  they  struck  to  the  centre  of  the  earth, 
while  the  gnarled  limbs  reached  out  to  the  clouds. 
Here  and  there  may  be  seen  one  of  these  lordly  speci 
mens  of  vegetation  furrowed  by  the  lightning  ;  from 
its  top  to  the  base  you  can  trace  the  subtle  fluid  in  its 
descent,  and  see  where  it  shattered  off  the  limb,  larger 
than  your  body,  or  turned  aside  from  some  slight  in 
equality  in  the  bark.  These  stricken  trees,  no  longer 
able  to  repel  the  numerous  parasites  that  surround  them, 
soon  become  festooned  with  wreaths  and  flowers,  while 
the  damp  airs  engender  on  living  tree  and  dead,  like 
funeral  drapery,  the  pendant  moss,  that  waves  in  every 
breeze,  and  seems  to  cover  the  whole  scene  with  the 
gloom  of  the  grave.  Rising  out  of  this  forest  for  ten 
square  miles,  is  the  dense  cane-brake  that  bears  the 
name  of  the  "  Devil's  Summer  Retreat ;"  it  is  formed 
by  a  space  of  ground,  on  which,  seemingly  from  its  supe 
riority  of  soil,  more  delicate  vegetation  than  surrounds 
it  has  usurped  its  empire.  Here  the  reed,  that  the 
disciple  of  Izaak  Walton  plays  over  the  northern  streams 
like  a  wand,  grows  into  a  delicate  mast,  springing  from 
the  rich  alluvium  that  gives  it  sustenance  with  the  pro 
digality  of  grass,  and  tapering  from  its  roots  to  the 
height  of  twenty  or  thirty  feet,  there  mingling,  in  com 


132        BOB  HERRING  THE  BKAR  HUNTER. 

pact  and  luxuriant  confusion,  its  long  leaves.  A  por 
tion  of  this  brake  is  interwoven  with  vines  of  all  de 
scriptions,  which  makes  it  so  thick  that  it  seems  to  be 
impenetrable  as  a  mountain.  Here,  in  this  solitude, 
where  the  noon-day  sun  never  penetrates,  ten  thousand 
birds,  with  the  instinct  of  safety,  roost  at  night,  and  at 
the  dawn  of  day,  for  a  while,  darken  the  air  as  they 
seek  their  haunts,  their  manure  deadening,  for  acres 
round,  the  vegetation,  like  a  fire,  so  long  have  they 
possessed  the  solitude.  Around  this  mass  of  cane  and 
vine,  the  black  bears  retire  for  winter  quarters,  where 
they  pass  the  season,  if  not  disturbed,  in  the  insensi 
bility  of  sleep,  and  yet  come  out  in  the  spring  as  fat  as 
when  they  commenced  their  long  nap.  The  forest,  the 
waste,  and  the  dangers  of  the  cane  brake,  add  to  the 
excitement  of  the  Arkansas  hunter ;  he  conquers  them 
all,  and  makes  them  subservient  to  his  pursuits.  Asso 
ciated  with  these  scenes,  they  to  him  possess  no  senti 
ment  ;  he  builds  his  log  cabin  in  a  clearing  made  by  his 
own  hands,  amid  the  surrounding  grandeur,  and  it  looks 
like  a  gipsy  hut  among  the  ruins  of  a  Gothic  cathedral. 
The  noblest  trees  are  only  valuable  for  fence-rails,  and 
the  cane-brake  is  "an  infernal  dark  hole,"  where  you 
can  "  see  sights,"  "catch  bears,"  and  "  get  a  fish-pole, 
ranging  in  size  from  a  penny  whistle  to  that  of  a  young 
stove-pipe." 

The  undoubted  hero  of  the  Devil's  Summer  Retreat, 
is  old  Bob  Herring  ;  he  has  a  character  that  would 
puzzle  three  hundred  metaphysicians  consecutively. 
He  is  as  bold  as  a  lion,  and  as  superstitious  as  an 
Indian.  The  exact  place  of  his  birth  he  cannot  tell,  as 
he  says  his  parents  "travelled"  as  long  as  he  can  re- 


BOB  HERRIXG  THE  BEAR  HUNTER.       133 

member  them.  He  "  squatted  "  on  the  Mississippi,  at  its 
nearest  point  to  the  Retreat,  and  there  erecting  a  rude 
cabin  commenced  hunting  for  a  living,  having  no  pros 
pect  ahead  but  selling  out  his  "  pre-emption  right'*  and 
improvements,  and  again  squatting  somewhere  else. 
Unfortunately  the  extent  of  Arkansas,  and  the  swamp 
that  surrounded  Bob's  location,  kept  it  out  of  market, 
until,  to  use  his  own  language,  he  "  became  the  an- 
cientest  inhabitant  in  the  hull  of  Arkansaw."  And 
having,  in  spite  of  himself,  gradually  formed  acquaint 
ances  with  the  few  residents  in  this  vicinity,  and  grown 
into  importance  from  his  knowledge  of  the  country  and 
his  hunting  exploits,  he  has  established  himself  for  life, 
at  what  he  calls  the  "  Wasp's  diggins,"  made  a  potato 
patch,  which  he  has  never  had  time  to  fence  in,  talked 
largely  of  a  corn-field,  and  hung  his  cabin  round  with 
rifle  pouches,  gourds,  red-peppers,  and  flaming  adver 
tisements  with  rampant  horses  and  pedigrees ;  these 
latter  ornaments  he  looks  upon  as  rather  sentimental, 
but  he  excuses  himself  on  the  ground  that  they  look 
"  boss,"  and  he  considers  such  an  expression  as  con 
siderably  resembling  himself.  We  have  stated  that 
Bob's  mind  would  puzzle  three  hundred  metaphysicians 
consecutively,  and  we  as  boldly  assert  that  an  equal 
number  of  physiologists  would  be  brought  to  a  stand 
by  his  personal  appearance.  The  left  side  of  his  face 
is  good  looking,  but  the  right  side  seems  to  be  undfr 
the  influence  of  an  invisible  air-pump  ;  it  looks  sucked 
out  of  shape  ;  his  perpendicular  height  is  six  feet  one 
inch,  but  that  gives  the  same  idea  of  his  length,  that 
the  diameter  gives  of  the  circumference;  how  long  Bob 
Herring  would  be  if  he  was  drawn  out,  is  impossible 
I 


134        BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER. 

to  tell.  Bob  himself  says,  that  he  was  made  on  too 
tall  a  scale  for  this  world,  and  that  he  was  shoved  in, 
like  the  joints  of  a  telescope.  Poor  in  flesh,  his  enor 
mous  bones  and  joints  rattle  when  he  moves,  and  they 
would  no  doubt  have  long  since  fallen  apart,  but  for 
the  enormous  tendons  that  bind  them  together  as  visibly 
as  a  good-sized  hawser  would.  Such  is  Bob  Herring, 
who  on  a  bear  hunt  will  do  more  hard  work,  crack 
more  jokes,  and  be  more  active  than  any  man  living, 
sustaining  the  whole  with  unflinching  good  humour, 
never  getting  angry  except  when  he  breaks  his  whisky 
bottle,  or  has  a  favourite  dog  open  on  the  wrong 
trail. 

My  first  visit  to  the  Devil's  Summer  Retreat  was  pro 
pitious,  my  companions  were  all  choice  spirits,  the  wea 
ther  was  fine,  and  Bob  Herring  inimitable.  The  bust 
ling  scene  that  prefaced  the  "striking  the  camp"  for 
night  lodgings,  was  picturesque  and  animated ;  a  long 
ride  brought  us  to  our  halting  place,  and  there  was 
great  relief  in  again  stepping  on  the  ground.  Having 
hobbled  our  horses,  we  next  proceeded  to  build  a  fire, 
which  was  facilitated  by  taking  advantage  of  a  dead 
tree  for  a  back-log  ;  our  saddles,  guns,  and  other  ne 
cessaries  wrere  brought  within  the  circle  of  its  light,  and 
lolling  upon  the  ground  we  partook  of  a  frugal  supper, 
the  better  to  be  prepared  for  our  morrow's  exertions, 
and  our  anticipated  breakfast.  Beds  were  next  made 
up,  and  few  can  be  better  than  a  good  supply  of  cane 
tops,  covered  with  a  blanket,  with  a  saddle  for  a  pil 
low  ;  upon  such  a  rude  couch,  the  hunter  sleeps  more 
soundly  than  the  effeminate  citizen  on  his  down.  The 
crescent  moon,  with  her  attendant  stars,  studded  the 


BOB    HERRING    THE    BEAR    HUJTTER.  135 

canopy  under  which  we  slept,  and  the  blazing  fire  com 
pletely  destroyed  the  chilliness  of  a  southern  December 
night. 

The  old  adage  of  "  early  to  bed  and  early  to  rise," 
was  intended  to  be  acted  upon,  that  we  might  salute 
the  tardy  sun  with  the  heat  of  our  sport,  and  probably 
we  would  have  carried  out  our  intentions  had  not  Bob 
Herring  very  coolly  asked  if  any  of  us  snored  "  un- 
kimmonlyloud,"  for  he  said  his  old  shooting  iron  would 
go  off  at  a  good  imitation  of  a  bear's  breathing !  This 
sally  from  Bob  brought  us  all  upright,  and  then  there 
commenced  a  series  of  jibes,  jokes,  and  stories,  that 
no  one  can  hear,  or  witness,  except  on  an  Arkansas 
hunt  with  "old  coons."  Bob,  like  the  immortal  Jack, 
was  witty  himself,  arid  the  cause  of  wit  in  others,  but 
he  sustained  himself  against  all  competition,  and  gave 
in  his  notions  and  experience  with  an  unrivalled  hu 
mour  and  simplicity.  He  found  in  me  an  attentive 
listener,  and  went  into  details,  until  he  talked  every 
one  but  myself  asleep.  From  general  remarks,  he 
changed  to  addressing  me  personally,  and  as  I  had 
every  thing  to  learn,  he  went  from  the  elementary  to 
the  most  complex  experience.  "  You  are  green  in  bar 
hunting,"  said  he  to  me,  in  a  commiserating  tone,  and 
with  a  toss  of  the  head  that  would  have  done  honour  to 
Mr.  Brummel  in  his  glory ;  "  green  as  a  jinson  weed — 
but  don't  get  short-winded  'bout  it,  case  it's  a  thing  like 
readin',  to  be  larnt ; — a  man  don't  come  it  perfectly 
at  once,  like  a  dog  does ;  and  as  for  that,  they  larn  a 
heap  in  time  ; — thar  is  a  greater  difference  'tween  a  pup 
and  an  old  dog  on  a  bar  hunt  than  thar  is  'tween  a  ma- 
litia  man  and  a  riglar.  I  remember  when  I  couldn't 


136       BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER. 

bar  hunt,  though  the  thing  seems  onpossible  now ;  it 
only  requires  time,  a  true  eye,  and  steady  hand,  though 
I  did  know  a  fellow  that  called  himself  a  doctor,  that 
said  that  couldn't  do  it  if  you  was  narvious.  I 
asked  him  if  he  meant  by  that  agee  and  fever  ?  He 
said  it  was  the  agee  without  the  fever.  Thar  may  be 
such  a  thing  as  narvious,  stranger,  but  nothin'  but  a 
yarthquake,  or  the  agee,  can  shake  me ;  and  still  bar 
hunting  ain't  as  easy  as  scearing  a  wild  turkey,  by  a 
long  shot.  The  varmint  aint  a  hog,  to  run  with  a 
w — h — e — w  ;  just  corner  one — cotch  its  cub,  or  cripple 
it,  and  if  you  don't  have  to  fight,  or  get  out  of  the  way, 
then  thar  ain't  no  cat-fish  in  the  Mississip.  I  larnt  that, 
nigh  twenty  year  ago,  and  perhaps  you  would  like  to 
know  about  it."  Signifying  my  assent,  Bob  Herring 
got  up  in  his  bed,  for  as  it  was  the  bare  ground  he  could 
not  well  get  off  of  it,  and  approaching  the  fire,  he  threw 
about  a  cord  of  wood  on  it,  in  the  form  of  a  few 
huge  logs ;  as  they  struck  the  blazing  heap  the  sparks 
flew  upwards  in  the  clear  cold  air,  like  a  jet  of  stars  ; 
then  fixing  himself  comfortably,  he  detailed  what  fol 
lows  : — 

"  I  had  a  knowing  old  sow  at  that  time  that  would 
have  made  a  better  hunter  than  any  dog  ever  heerd 
on  ;  she  had  such  a  nose, — talk  'bout  a  dog  following 
a  cold  trail,  she'd  track  a  bar  through  running  water. 
Well,  you  see,  afor'  I  know'd  her  vartu',  she  came 
rushing  into  my  cabin,  bristles  up,  and  fell  on  the  floor, 
from  what  I  now  believe  to  have  been  regular  sceare. 
I  thought  she'd  seen  a  bar,  for  nothing  else  could  make 
her  run ;  and  taking  down  my  rifle,  I  went  out  a  sort 
a  carelessly,  with  only  two  dogs  at  my  heels.  Hadn't 


BOB  HERRIN'G  THE  BEAR  HUNTER.        137 

gone  far  afore  I  saw  a  bar,  sure  enough,  very  quietly 
standing  beside  a  small  branch — it  was  an  old  he,  and 
no  mistake.  I  crawled  up  to  him  on  my  hands  and 
knees,  and  raised  my  rifle,  but  if  I  had  fired  I  must 
have  hit  him  so  far  in  front,  that  the  ball  would  have 
ranged  back,  and  not  cut  his  mortals.  I  waited,  and 
he  turned  tail  towards  me,  and  started  across  the  branch  ; 
afeerd  I'd  lose  him,  I  blazed  away,  and  sort  a  cut  him 
slantindicularly  through  his  hams,  and  brought  him 
down  ;  thar  he  sat,  looking  like  a  sick  nigger  with  the 
dropsy,  or  a  black  bale  of  cotton  turned  up  on  eend. 
'Twas  not  a  judgmatical  shot,  and  Smith  thar"  (point 
ing  at  one  of  the  sleeping  hunters)  "  would  say  so." 
Hereupon  Bob  Herring,  without  ceremony,  seized  a 
long  stick,  and  thrust  it  into  Smith's  short  -ribs,  who, 
thus  suddenly  awakened  from  a  sound  sleep,  seized  his 
knife,  and  looking  about  him,  asked,  rather  confusedly, 
what  was  the  matter?  "Would  you,"  inquired  Bob, 
very  leisurely,  "would  you,  under  any  circumstances, 
shoot  an  old  he  in  the  hams  ?"  Smith  very  perempto 
rily  told  his  questioner  to  go  where  the  occupier  of  the 
Retreat  in  Summer  is  supposed  to  reside  through  the 
winter  months,  and  went  instantly  to  sleep  again. 
Bob  continued, — "Stranger,  the  bar,  as  I  have  said, 
was  on  his  hams,  and  thar  he  sot,  waiting  to  whip 
somebody  and  not  knowing  whar  to  begin,  when  the 
two  dogs  that  followed  me  came  up,  and  pitched  into 
him  like  a  caving  bank.  I  knowed  the  result  afor  the 
fight  began  ;  Brusher  had  his  whole  scalp,  ears  and  all, 
hanging  over  his  nose  in  a  minute,  and  Tig  was  laying 
some  distance  from  the  bar,  on  his  back,  breathing  like 
a  horse  with  the  thumps ;  he  wiped  them  both  out  with 


138        BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER. 

one  stroke  of  his  left  paw,  and  thar  he  sot,  knowing  as 
well  as  I  did,  that  he  was  not  obliged  to  the  dogs  for 
the  hole  in  his  carcass,  and  thar  I  stood,  like  a  fool, 
rifle  in  hand,  watching  him,  instead  of  giving  him  an 
other  ball.  All  of  a  sudden  he  caught  a  glimpse  of  my 
hunting  shirt,  and  the  way  he  walked  at  me  with  his 
two  fore  legs  was  a  Caution  to  slow  dogs.  I  instantly 
fired,  and  stepped  round  behind  the  trunk  of  a  large 
tree  ;  my  second  shot  confused  the  bar,  and  he  was 
hunting  about  for  me,  when,  just  as  I  was  patching  my 
ball,  he  again  saw  me,  and,  with  his  ears  nailed  back 

to  his  head,  he  gave  the  d 1  w — h — e — w  I  ever 

heerd,  and  made  straight  at  me  ;  I  leaped  up  a  bank 
near  by,  and  as  I  gained  the  top  my  foot  touched  the 
eend  of  his  nose.  If  I  ever  had  the  '  narvious '  that 
was  the  time,  for  the  skin  on  my  face  seemed  an  inch 
thick,  and  my  eyes  had  more  rings  in  them  than  a  mad 
wild-cat's.  At  this  moment  several  of  my  dogs,  that 
war  out  on  an  expedition  of  their  own,  came  up,  and 
immediately  made  battle  with  the  bar,  who  shook  off 
the  dogs  in  a  flash,  and  made  at  me  agin  ;  the  thing 
was  done  so  quick,  that,  as  I  raised  my  rifle,  I  stepped 
back  and  fell  over,  and  thinking  my  time  was  come, 
wished  I  had  been  born  to  be  hung,  and  not  chaw'd 
up  ;  but  the  bar  didn't  cotch  me  :  his  hind  quarters, 
as  he  came  at  me,  fell  into  a  hole  about  a  root,  and 
caught.  I  wras  on  my  feet,  and  out  of  his  reach 
in  a  wink,  but  as  quick  as  I  did  this  he  had  cut 
through  a  green  root  the  size  of  my  leg :  he  did  it  in 
about  two  snaps,  but  weakened  by  the  exertion,  the 
dogs  got  hold  of  him,  and  held  on  while  I  blowed  his 
heart  out.  Ever  since  that  time  I  have  been  wide 


BOB  HERRLNG  THE  BEAR  HUNTER.        13$ 

awake  with  a  wounded  bar — sartinly,  or  stand  off 
being  my  motto.  I  shall  dream  of  that  bar  to-night,' 
Concluded  Bob,  fixing  his  blanket  over  him  ;  and  a  few 
moments  only  elapsed  before  he  was  in  danger  of  hi5 
life,  if  his  rifle  would  go  off  at  a  good  imitation  of  a 
bear's  breathing. 

Fortunately  for  me,  the  sun  on  th-j  following  morn 
was  fairly  above  the  horizon  before  our  little  party  was 
ready  for  the  start.  While  breakfast  was  being  prepared, 
the  rifles  were  minutely  examined ;  some  were  taken 
apart,  and  every  precaution  used  to  ensure  a  quick  and 
certain  fire.  A  rude  breakfast  having  been  despatched, 
lots  were  drawn,  who  should  go  into  the  drive  with  the 
dogs,  as  this  task  in  the  Devil's  Summer  Retreat  is  any 
thing  but  a  pleasant  one,  being  obliged  at  one  time  to 
walk  on  the  bending  cane — it  is  so  thick  for  hundreds 
of  yards  that  you  cannot  touch  or  see  the  ground — then 
crawling  on  your  hands  and  knees,  between  its  roots, 
sometimes  brought  to  a  complete  halt,  and  obliged  to 
cut  your  way  through  with  your  knife.  While  this  is 
going  on,  the  hunters  are  at  the  stands,  places  their 
judgments  dictate  as  most  likely  to  be  passed  by  the 
bear,  when  roused  by  the  dogs.  Two  miles  might  on 
this  occasion  have  been  passed  over  by  those  in  the 
drive,  in  the  course  of  three  hours,  and  yet,  although 
"  signs  were  plenty  as  leaves,"  not  a  bear  was  started. 
Hard  swearing  was  heard,  and  as  the  vines  encircled 
the  feet,  or  caught  one  under  the  nose,  it  was  increased. 
In  the  midst  of  this  ill  humour,  a  solitary  bark  was 
heard  ;  some  one  exclaimed,  that  was  Bose !  another 
shrill  yelp  that  sounded  like  Music's;  breathing  was 
almost  suspended  in  the  excitement  of  the  moment ; 


140       BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER. 

preaently  another,  and  another  bark,  was  heard  in  quick 
succession  ,  in  a  minute  more,  the  whole  pack  of  thirty- 
Jive  staunch  dogs  opened  !  The  change  from  silence  to 
so  much  noise  made  it  almost  deafening.  No  idea  but 
personal  demonstration  can  be  had  of  the  effect  upon 
the  mind,  of  such  a  pack  baying  a  bear  in  a  cane-break. 
Before  me  were  old  hunters;  they  had  been  moving 
along,  as  if  destitute  of  energy  or  feeling,  but  now 
their  eyes  flashed,  their  lips  were  compressed,  and  their 
cheeks  flushed  ;  they  seemed  incapable  of  fatigue.  As 
for  myself,  my  feelings  almost  overcame  me,  I  felt  a 
cold  sweat  stealing  down  my  back,  my  breath  was  thick 
and  hot,  and  as  I  suspended  it,  to  hear  more  distinctly 
the  fight,  for  by  this  time  the  dogs  had  evidently  come 
up  with  the  bear,  I  could  hear  the  pulsation  of  my  heart. 
One  minute  more  to  listen,  to  learn  which  direction  the 
war  was  raging,  and  then  our  party  unanimously  sent 
forth  a  yell  that  would  have  frightened  a  nation  of  In 
dians.  The  bear  was  in  his  bed  when  the  dogs  first 
came  up  with  him,  and  he  did  not  leave  it  until  the  pack 
surrounded  him  ;  then  finding  things  rather  too  warm,  he 
broke  off  with  a  "whew"  that  was  awful  to  hear.  His 
course  was  towards  us  on  the  left,  and  as  he  went  by, 
the  cane  cracked  and  smashed  as  if  rode  over  by  an 
insane  locomotive.  Bob  Herring  gave  the  dogs  a  salute 
as  they  passed,  close  at  the  bear's  heels,  and  the  noise 

increased,  until  he  said  "  it  sounded  as  if  all  h 1 

was  pounding  bark."  The  bear  was  commented  on  as 
he  rushed  by  ;  one  said  he  was  "  a  buster."  "A  regular 
built  eight  years  old,"  said  another.  "  Fat  as  a  candle," 
shouted  a  third.  "  He's  the  beauty  of  the  Devil's  Sum- 
mer  Retreat,  with  a  band  of  angels  after  him,"  sang  out 


BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER.       141 

Bob  Herring.  On  the  bear  plunged,  so  swiftly  that  our 
greatest  exertions  scarcely  enabled  us  to  keep  within 
hearing  distance  ;  his  course  carried  him  towards  those 
at  the  stands,  but  getting  wind  of  them,  he  turned  and 
exactly  retraced  his  course,  but  not  with  the  same  speed ; 
want  of  breath  had  already  brought  him  several  times  to 
a  stand,  and  a  fight  with  the  dogs.  He  passed  us  the 
second  time  within  two  hundred  yards,  and  coming 
against  a  fallen  tree,  backed  up  against  it,  and  showed 
a  determination,  if  necessary,  there  to  die.  We  made 
our  way  towards  the  spot,  as  fast  as  the  obstacles  in  our 
way  would  let  us,  the  hunters  anxious  to  despatch  him, 
that  as  few  dogs  as  possible  might  be  sacrificed.  The 
few  minutes  to  accomplish  this  seemed  months,  the 
fight  all  the  time  sounding  terrible,  for  every  now  and 
then  the  bear  evidently  made  a  rush  at  the  dogs,  as 
they  narrowed  their  circle,  or  came  individually  too 
near  his  person.  Crawling  through  and  over  the  cane- 
brake  was  a  new  thing  to  me,  and  in  the  prevailing 
excitement,  my  feet  seemed  tied  together,  and  there 
was  always  a  vine  directly  under  my  chin,  to  cripple  my 
exertions.  While  thus  struggling,  I  heard  a  suspicious 
cracking  in  my  rear,  and  looking  round,  I  saw  Bob 
Herring,  a  foot  taller  than  common,  stalking  over  the 
cane,  like  a  colossus ;  he  very  much  facilitated  my  pro 
gress,  by  a  shove  in  the  rear.  "  Come  along,  stranger," 
he  shouted,  his  voice  as  clear  as  a  bell,  "  Come  along, 
the  bar  and  the  dogs  are  going  it,  like  a  high  pressure 
nigger  camp-meeting,  and  I  must  be  thar  to  put  a  word 
in  sartin."  Fortunately  for  ray  wind,  I  was  nearer  the 
contest  than  I  imagined,  for  Bob  Herring  stopped  just 
ahead  of  me,  examined  his  rifie  with  two  or  three  other 


142      BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER. 

hunters,  just  arrived  from  the  stands,  and  by  peeping 
through  the  under-growth,  we  discovered,  within  thirty 
yards  of  us,  the  fierce  raging  fight.  Nothing  distinctly, 
however,  was  seen  ;  a  confused  mass  of  legs,  heads,  and 
backs  of  dogs,  flying  about  as  if  attached  to  a  ball, 
was  all  we  could  make  out.  A  still  nearer  approach, 
and  the  confusion  would  clear  off  for  a  moment,  and 
the  head  of  the  bear  could  be  seen,  with  his  tongue 
covered  with  dust,  and  hanging  a  foot  from  his  mouth  ; 
his  jaws  were  covered  with  foam  and  blood,  his  eyes 
almost  protruding  from  their  sockets,  while  his  ears 
were  so  closely  pressed  to  the  back  of  his  head,  that  he 
seemed  destitute  of  those  appendages ;  the  whole  in 
dicative  of  unbounded  rage  and  terror. 

These  glimpses  of  the  bear  were  only  momentary ; 
his  persecutors  rested  but  for  a  breath,  and  then  closed 
in,  regardless  of  their  own  lives,  for  you  could  disco 
ver,  mingled  with  the  sharp  bark  of  defiance,  the  yell 
that  told  of  death.  It  was  only  while  the  bear  was 
crushing  some  luckless  dog,  that  they  could  cover  his 
back,  and  lacerate  it  with  their  teeth.  One  of  the 
hunters,  in  spite  of  the  danger,  headed  by  Bob  Herring, 
crept  upon  his  knees,  so  near  that  it  seemed  as  if  an 
other  foot  advanced  would  bring  them  within  the  circle 
of  the  fight.  Bob  Herring  was  first  within  safe  shoot 
ing  distance  to  save  the  dogs,  and  waving  his  hand  to 
those  behind  him,  he  raised  his  rifle  and  sighted,  but 
his  favourite  dog,  impatient  for  the  report,  anticipated  it 
by  jumping  on  the  bear,  who  throwing  up  his  head  at 
the  same  instant,  the  bear  received  the  ball  in  his  nose. 
At  the  crack  of  the  rifle,  the  well-trained  dogs,  thinking 
less  caution  than  otherwise  necessary,  jumped  pell-mell 


BOB   UERRING    THE    BEAR    HUNTER.  143 

on  the  bear's  back,  and  the  hardest  fight  ever  witnessed 
in  the  Devil's  Summer  Retreat  ensued ;  the  hunter, 
with  Bob,  placed  his  gun  almost  against  the  bear's  side, 
and  the  cap  snapped  ;  no  one  else  was  near  enough  to 
fire  without  hitting  the  dogs. — "  Give  him  the  knife!" 
cried  those  at  a  distance.  Bob  Herring's  long  blade 
was  already  flashing  in  his  hand,  but  sticking  a  living 
bear  is  not  child's  play ;  he  was  standing  undecided, 
when  he  saw  the  hind  legs  of  Bose  upwards  ;  thrust 
ing  aside  one  or  two  of  the  dogs  with  his  hand,  he 
made  a  pass  at  the  bear's  throat,  but  the  animal  was  so 
quick,  that  he  struck  the  knife  with  his  fore  paw,  and 
sent  it  whirling  into  the  distant  cane ;  another  was  in 
stantly  handed  him,  which  he  thrust  at  the  bear,  but  the 
point  was  so  blunt  that  it  would  not  penetrate  the  skin. 
Foiled  a  third  time,  with  a  tremendous  oath  on  him 
self  and  the  owner  of  the  knife  "  that  wouldn't  stick  a 
cabbage,"  he  threw  it  indignantly  from  him,  and  seiz 
ing,  unceremoniously,  a  rifle,  just  then  brought  up  by 
one  of  the  party,  heretofore  in  the  rear,  he,  regardless 
of  his  own  legs,  thrust  it  against  the  side  of  the  bear 
with  considerable  force,  and  blowed  him  through  ;  the 
bear  struggled  but  for  a  moment,  and  fell  dead,  "  I  saw 
snakes  last  night  in  my  dreams,"  said  Bob,  handing 
back  the  rifle  to  its  owner,  "  and  I  never  had  any 
good  luck  the  next  day,  arter  sich  a  sarcumstance ; 
I  call  this  hull  hunt  about  as  mean  an  affair  as  damp 
powder  ;  that  bar  thar,"  pointing  to  the  carcass,  "  that 
thar,  ought  to  have  been  killed,  afor  he  maimed  a  dog." 
Then,  speaking  energetically,  he  said,  "  Boys,  never 
shoot  at  a  bar's  head,  even  if  your  iron  is  in  his  ear, 
it's  unsartin ;  look  how  I  missed  the  brain,  and  only 


144        BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER, 

tore  the  smellers ;  with  fewer  dogs,  and  sich  a  shot,  a 
fellow  would  be  ripped  open  in  a  powder  flash  ;  and  I 
say,  cuss  caps,  and  head  shooting ;  they  would  have 
cost  two  lives  to-day,  but  for  them  ar  dogs,  God  bless 
'em." 

With  such  remarks,  Bob  Herring  beguiled  away  the 
time,  while  he,  with  others,  skinned  the  bear.  His 
huge  carcass,  when  dressed,  though  not  over  fat,  look 
ing  like  a  young  steer's.  The  dogs,  as  they  recovered 
breath,  partook  of  the  refuse  with  relish;  the  nearest 
possible  rout  out  of  the  Devil's  Retreat  was  selected, 
and  two  horse  loads  took  the  meat  into  the  open  woods, 
where  it  was  divided  out  in  such  a  manner  that  it 
could  be  taken  home.  Bob  Herring,  while  the  dress 
ing  of  the  bear  was  going  on,  took  the  skin,  and  on  its 
inside  surface,  which  glistened  like  satin,  he  carefully 
deposited  the  caul  fat,  that  looked  like  drifted  snow, 
arid  beside  it  the  liver  ;  the  choice  parts  of  the  bear,  ac 
cording  to  the  gourmand  notions  of  the  frontier,  were 
in  Bob's  possession  ;  and  many  years'  experience  had 
made  him  so  expert  in  cooking  it,  that  he  was  locally 
famed  for  this  matter  above  all  competitors.  It  would 
be  as  impossible  to  give  the  recipe  for  this  dish,  so  that 
it  might  be  followed  by  the  gastronomes  of  cities,  as  it 
would  to  have  the  articles  composing  it  exposed  for 
sale  in  the  markets.  Bob  Herring  managed  as  fol 
lows  :  he  took  a  long  wooden  skewer,  and  having 
thrust  its  point  through  a  small  piece  of  bear  fat,  he 
then  followed  it  by  a  small  piece  of  the  liver,  then  the 
fat,  then  the  liver,  and  so  on,  until  his  most  important 
material  was  consumed ;  when  this  was  done,  he  opened 
the  "  bear's  handkerchief,"  cr  caul,  and  wrapped  it 


BOB  HERRING  THE  BEAR  HUNTER.        145 

round  the  whole,  and  thus  roasted  it  before  the  fire. 
Like  all  the  secrets  in  cookery,  this  dish  depends  for  its 
flavour  and  richness  upon  exactly  giving  the  proper 
quantities,  as  a  superabundance  of  one  or  the  other 
would  completely  spoil  the  dish.  "I  was  always  un 
lucky,  boys,"  said  Bob,  throwing  the  bear  skin  and  its 
contents  over  his  shoulder,  "  but  I've  had  my  fill  often 
of  caul  fat  and  liver ;  many  a  man,  who  thinks  he's 
lucky,  lives  and  dies  ignorant  of  its  virtue,  as  a  'possum 
is  of  corn  cake.  If  I  ever  look  dead  don't  bury  me 
until  you  see  I  don't  open  my  eyes  when  its  ready  for 
eating ;  if  I  don't  move  when  you  show  me  it,  then  I 
am  a  done  goner,  sure."  Night  closed  in  before  we 
reached  our  homes,  the  excitement  of  the  morning 
wore  upon  our  spirits  and  energy,  but  the  evening's 
meal  of  caul  fat  and  liver,  and  other  similar  "fixins," 
or  Bob  Herring's  philosophical  remarks,  restored  me  to 
perfect  health,  and  I  shall  recollect  that  supper,  and  its 
master  of  ceremonies,  as  harmonious  with,  and  as  ex 
traordinary  as  is,  the  Devil's  Summer  Retreat. 


MC1LPIN'S  TRIP  TO  CHARLESTON. 

BY    THE    AUTHOR    OF    "  COUSIN    SALLY    DILLIARD.' 


The  writer  of  the  following  "  good  'uri"  is  an  eminent  member 
of  the  North  Carolina  bar.  He  has  lately  famished  the 
"  Spirit  of  the  Times"  with  a  number  of  original  stories, 
from  which  the  one  annexed  is  selected  as  a  specimen  of  his 
style : — 

IN  the  county  of  Robison,  in  the  state  of  North  Caro 
lina,  there  lived  in  times  past  a  man  by  the  name  of 
Brooks,  who  kept  a  grocery  for  a  number  of  years,  and 
so  had  acquired  most  of  the  land  round  him.  This  was 
mostly  pine  barrens,  of  small  value,  but  nevertheless 
Brooks  was  looked  up  to  as  a  great  landholder  and  big 
man  in  the  neighbourhood.  There  was  one  tract,  however, 
belonging  to  one  Colonel  Lamar,  who  lived  in  Charles 
ton,  that  "jammed  in  upon  him  so  strong,"  and  being 
withal  belter  in  quality  than  the  average  of  his  own 
domain,  that  Brooks  had  long  wished  to  add  it  to  his 
other  broad  acres.  Accordingly  he  looked  around  him 
and  employed,  as  he  expressed  it,  "  the  smartest  man 
in  the  neighbourhood,"  to  wit,  one  Angus  McAlpin,  to 
go  to  Charleston  and  negotiate  with  Colonel  Lamar  for 
the  purchase  of  this  also.  Being  provided  pretty  well 
with  bread,  meat,  and  a  bottle  of  pale-face,  which  were 
stowed  away  in  a  pair  of  leather  saddle-bags,  and,  like 
all  other  great  Plenipotentiaries,  being  provided  with 
suitable  instructions,  Mac  mounted  a  piney-wood-tacky 

146 


M*ALPIN'S  TRIP  TO  CHARLESTON*.  147 

(named  Rosum)  and  hied  him  off  to  Charleston.  The 
road  was  rather  longer  than  Brooks  had  supposed,  or 
his  agent  was  less  expeditious,  or  some  bad  luck  had 
happened  to  him,  or  something  was  the  matter  that 
Angus  did  not  get  back  until  long  after  the  day  had 
transpired  which  was  fixed  on  for  his  return.  Brooks 
in  the  mean  time  had  got  himself  into  a  very  fury  of 
impatience.  He  kept  his  eyes  fixed  on  the  Charleston 
road — he  was  crusty  towards  his  customers — harsh 
towards  his  wife  and  children,  and  scarcely  eat  or  slept 
for  several  days  and  nights,  for  he  had  set  his  whole 
soul  upon  buying  the  Lamar  land.  One  day,  however, 
Angus  was  descried  slowly  and  sadly  wending  his  way 
up  the  long  stretch  of  sandy  road  that  made  up  to  the 
grocery.  Brooks  went  out  to  meet  him,  and,  without 
further  ceremony,  he  accosted  him. 

"  Well,  Mac,  have  you  got  the  land  ?" 

The  agent,  in  whose  face  was  any  thing  but  sunshine, 
replied  somewhat  gruffly  that  "  he  might  let  a  body  get 
down  from  his  horse  before  he  put  at  him  with  quf  stions 
of  business." 

But  Brooks  was  in  a  fever  of  anxiety  and  repeated 
the  question — 

"  Did  you  get  it?" 

"  Shaw,  now,  Brooks,  don't  press  upon  a  body  in  this 
uncivil  way.  It  is  a  long  story  and  I  must  have  time." 

Brooks  still  urged,  and  Mac  still  parried  the  question 
till  they  got  into  the  house. 

"  Now,  surely,"  thought  Brooks,  "  he  will  tell  me." 
But  Mac  was  not  quite  ready. 

"  Brooks,"  says  he,  "have you  any  thing  to  drink?' 

"  To  be  sure  I  have,"  said  the  other,  and  immediately 


148  MCALPIN'S  TRIP  TO  CHARLESTON. 

had  some  of  his  best  forth-coming.  Having  moistened 
his  clay,  Mac  took  a  seat  and  his  employer  another.  Mac 
gave  a  preliminary  hern!  He  then  turned  suddenly 
around  to  Brooks,  looked  him  straight  in  the  eyes,  and 
slapped  him  on  the  thigh — 

"  Brooks,"  says  he,  "  was  you  ever  in  Charleston  ?" 

"  Why,  you  know  I  never  was,"  replied  the  other. 

"  Well,  then,  Brooks,"  says  the  agent,  "  you  ought 
to  go  there.  The  greatest  place  upon  the  face  of  the 
earth  !  They've  got  houses  there  on  both  sides  of  the 
road  for  five  miles  at  a  stretch,  and  d n  the  horse- 
track  the  whole  way  through !  Brooks,  I  think  I 
met  five  thousand  people  in  a  minute,  and  not  a  chap 
would  look  at  me.  They  have  got  houses  there  on 
wheels.  Brooks!  I  saw  one  with  six  horses  hitched  to 
it,  and  a  big  driver  with  a  long  whip  going  it  like  a 
whirlwind.  I  followed  it  down  the  road  for  a  mile 
and  a  half,  and  when  it  stopt  I  looked,  and  what  do  you 
think  there  was?  nothing  in  it  but  one  little  woman 
sitting  up  in  one  corner.  Well,  Brooks,  I  turned  back  up 
the  road,  and  as  I  was  riding  along  I  sees  a  fancy  look 
ing  chap  with  long  curly  hair  hanging  down  his  back, 
and  his  boots  as  shiney  as  the  face  of  an  up-country 
nigger !  I  called  him  into  the  middle  of  the  road  and 
asked  him  a  civil  question ;  and  a  civil  question,  you 
know,  Brooks,  calls  for  a  civil  answer  all  over  the 
world.  I  says,  says  I,  '  Stranger,  can  you  tell  me 
where  Colonel  Lamar  lives  ?'  and  what  do  you  think 
was  his  answer — {  Go  to  h 1,  you  fool  /' 

"  Well,  Brooks,  I  knocks  along  up  and  down  and 
about,  until  at  last  I  finds  out  where  Colonel  Lamar 
lived.  I  gets  down  and  bangs  away  at  the  door. 


M*ALPIN'S  TRIP  TO  CHARLESTON.  J49 

Presently  the  door  was  opened  by  as  pretty,  fine-spoken, 
•well-dressed  a  woman  as  ever  you  seed  in  your  born 
days,  Brooks.  Silk!  Silks  thar  every  day,  Brooks! 
Says  I,  '  Mrs.  Lamar,  I  presume,  madam,'  says  I.  '  I 
am  Mrs.  Laraar,  sir.'  *  Well,  madam,'  says  I,  '  I  have 
come  all  the  way  from  North  Carolina  to  see  Colonel 
Lamar — to  see  about  buying  a  tract  of  land  from  him 
that's  up  in  our  parts  ?'  *  Then,'  she  says,  l  Colonel 
Lamar  has  rode  out  in  the  country,  but  will  be  back 
shortly.  Come  in,  sir,  and  wait  a  while.  I've  no 
doubt  the  colonel  will  soon  return,'  and  she  had  a  smile 
upon  that  pretty  face  of  her's  that  reminded  a  body  of  a 
Spring  morning.  Well,  Brooks,  I  hitched  my  horse  to 
a  brass  thing  on  the  door,  and  walked  in.  Well,  when 
I  got  in  I  sees  the  floor  all  covered  over  with  the  nicest 
looking  thing  !  nicer  than  any  patched- worked  bed-quilt 
you  ever  seed  in  your  life,  Brooks.  I  was  trying  to  edge 
along  round  it,  but  presently  I  sees  a  big  nigger  come 
stepping  right  over  it.  Thinks  I,  if  that  n;gger  can  go 
it,  I  can  go  it,  too !  So  right  over  it  I  goes  and  takes 
my  seat  right  before  a  picture,  which  at  first  I  thought 
was  a  little  man  looking  in  at  the  window.  Well, 
Brooks,  there  I  sot  waiting  and  waiting  for  Colonel 
Lamar,  and  at  last — he  didn't  come,  but  they  began  to 
bring  in  dinner.  Thinks  I  to  myself,  here's  a  scrape. 
But  I  made  up  my  mind  to  tell  her,  if  she  axed  me  to 
eat — to  tell  her  with  a  genteel  bow  that  I  had  no  occa 
sion  to  eat.  But.  Brooks,  she  didn't  ax  me  to  eat — she 
axed  me  if  I'd  be  so  good  as  to  carve  that  turkey  for 
her,  and  she  did  it  with  one  of  them  lovely  smiles  that 
makes  the  cold  streaks  run  down  the  small  of  a  feller's 
back.  '  Certainly,  madam,'  says  I,  and  I  walks  up  to 
K 


150  MCALPIN'S  TRIP  TO  CHARLESTON. 

the  table — there  was  on  one  side  of  the  turkey  a  great 
big  knife  as  big  as  a  bowie  knife,  and  a  fork  with  a 
trigger  to  it  on  the  other  .side.  Well,  I  falls  to  work, 
and  in  the  first  e-fort  I  slashed  the  gravy  about  two  yards 
over  the  whitest  table-cloth  you  ever  seed  in  your  life, 
Brooks  !  Well !  I  felt  the  hot  steam  begin  to  gather 
about  my  cheeks  and  eyes.  But  I'm  not  a  man  to  back 
out  for  trifles,  so  I  makes  another  e-fort,  and  the  darned 
thing  took  a  flight  and  lit  right  in  Mrs.  Lamar's  lap  ! 
Well,  you  see,  Brooks,  then  I  was  taken  with  a  blind 
ness,  and  the  next  thing  I  remember  I  was  upon  the 
hath  a-kicking.  Well,  by  this  time  I  began  to  think  of 
navigating.  So  I  goes  out  and  mounts  Rosum,  and 
cuts  for  North  Carolina!  Now,  Brooks,  you  don't, 
blame  me  !  Do  you  ?" 


. 


INDIA  RUBBER  PILLS. 

BY    "  CHEVAL,"    OF   PHILADELPHIA. 

The  following  anecdote  of  a  "  Down-East"  quack  doctor  was 
furnished  by  a  young  gentleman  who  has  just  made  his  debut 
as  a  correspondent  of  the  "  Spirit  of  the  Times."  He  pro 
mises  to  be  "  one  of  'em." 

IN  the  manufacturing  city  of  L ,  there  lives  a 

certain  Dr.  D — .  Not  that  he  has  a  legitimate  title 

to  write  M.  D.  behind  his  name;  but  all  who  know 
him  are  conscious  that  he  deserves  something  more 
than  plain  Mister,  and  as  he  is  a  chemist  and  drug 
gist  by  profession,  common  consent  has  established  the 
"Doctor." 

Were  I  to  attempt  to  describe  the  doctor  as  he  merits, 
you  would  be  compelled  to  issue  an  extra,  but  I  cannot 
resist  the  opportunity  of  giving  him  a  "  passing  notice." 
In  the  first  place,  he  is  a  "  universal  genius."  He 
does  every  thing  he  undertakes  better  than  any  one  else 
can.  Nothing  comes  amiss  to  him,  from  a  pill  to  a 
porcelain  tooth — from  a  lotion  to  a  landscape — from  a 

draught  to  a  drawing.  A W ,  Esq.,  has 

among  his  collection  of  pictures  a  couple  of  landscapes 
painted  by  the  doctor,  which  would  do  credit  to  the 
cabinet  of  any  gentleman  in  the  country.  In  short, 

151 


152  INDIA    RUBBER    PILLS. 

•were  he  a  Yankee,  he  knows  enough  to  revolutionize 
half  the  world. 

Some  years  ago,  about  the  time  we  began  to  discover 
that  India  rubber  could  be  put  to  other  uses  besides 
making  over-shoes  and  erasing  pencil-marks,  our  doc 
tor  prepared  a  compound  of  the  article,  which  could  be 
applied  to  either  leather  or  cloth,  making  it  "  as  imper 
vious  to  water  as  a  drunkard's  throat."  Accommodat 
ing  himself  to  the  universal  taste  for  humbug,  he  hung, 
on  the  outside  of  his  shop,  large  placards  headed — 

"  BEWARE    OF    COLDS,    COUGHS,    AND    CONSUMPTION." 

Underneath  was  a  long  description  of  the  evils  and  ills 
consequent  upon  getting  wet  feet;  all  of  which  were  to 
be  avoided  by  using  Dr.  D 's  "  celebrated  com 
pound." 

The  mixture  was  put  up  in  small  boxes,  neatly  la 
belled,  and  much  resembling  many  "patent  medicines." 

One  "  sloppy  day"  in  March,  a  tall,  lanky,  factory 
girl,  just  fresh  from  "  Varmount,"  came  splashing  along 
through  the  snow  and  water,  coughing  at  every  step  as 
though  she  were  on  her  way  to  make  a  bargain  with  the 
sexton.  The  placards  caught  her  eye,  and  she  read 
one  through  with  open-mouthed  attention.  When 
finished,  she  stepped  into  the  shop,  and  bought  a  box 
of  the  mixture,  being  served  by  the  doctor  in  person. 

A  few  days  after,  the  doctor  was  standing  behind  his 
counter,  outside  of  which  were  two  or  three  of  his 
friends.  In  came  the  same  girl,  coughing,  if  possible, 
more  than  before,  and  the  following  dialogue  ensued. 
I  must  here  remark  that  our  friend  the  doctor  is  rather 
"  gruff"  in  look,  and  oftentimes  rough  in  manner  and 
speech,  although  a  better-hearted  being  never  breathed. 


INDIA    RUBBER   PILLS.  153 

"  See  here,"  said  the  girl,  as  well  as  she  could  for 
coughing,  "  I  warnt  you  to  take  back  this  stuff  of  yourn, 
'taint  good  for  nothin'." 

"  'Taint  good  for  nothin',"  replied  the  doctor,  imitat 
ing  her,  for  he  was  touched  on  a  tender  point.  "  What 
does  the  girl  mean  ?  Let  me  see  the  box." 

The  box  was  produced  and  opened,  when  there  ap 
peared  to  have  been  a  small  portion  scooped  out,  some 
thing  as  it  might  have  been  done  by  one's  thumb  nail. 

"  Why,"  said  the  doctor,  "  how  can  you  tell  that 
*  the  stuff  dint  good  for  nothing*  when  you  have  not  used 
one  quarter  the  proper  quantity  ?" 

"  I  took  as  much  as  I  darst  tu,"  answered  the  girl, 
"  and  as  much  as  the  rest  of  the  gals  said  would  be 
enuff." 

"  Took  /"  almost  shouted  the  doctor—"  Took !  What 
do  you  mean  by  taking  ?  How  did  you  take  it  ?" 

"  Why,  sir,"  said  the  girl,  "  I  didn't  know  what  to 
do  with  it  myself,  so  I  asked  the  other  gals,  and  they 
said  I  must  make  it  into  pills.  I  took  four  when  I  went 
tu  bed,  and  the  next  mornin'  I  coughed  worser  than 
ever." 

"Humph!"  growled  the  doctor,  at  the  same  time 
handing  the  girl  back  her  money.  "  Took  it,  did  ye,  in 
the  shape  of  pills  ?  Well,  if  you  aren't  water-tight  for 
the  balance  of  your  life,  I'm  blowed  !" 

The  poor  girl  sloped  just  in  time  to  prevent  the  doc 
tor's  friends  from  expiring. 


A  MURDER  CASE  IN  MISSISSIPPI. 

BY    AN   ASSOCIATE    EDITOR    OF    THE    N.    O.    "  DELTA." 

One  of  the  best  diurnals  published  south  of  "Mason  &  Dixon's 
Line,"  is  the  New  Orleans  "  Daily  Delta,"  of  Messrs.  Davis, 
Corcoran,  &  Hayes.  To  which  of  them  we  are  indebted  for 
the  following-  "  good  thing,"  deponent  saith  not ;  we  confess 
judgment,  however,  that  we  "  owe  him  one." 

WHILE  sojourning  for  a  few  days,  about  the  period 
of  the  solstice  last  summer,  in  one  of  the  marine  vil 
lages  of  the  state  of  Mississippi,  that  skirt  the  Mexican 
Gulf,  an  event  transpired  which,  for  a  time — a  brief 
time  only — started  the  hamlet  from  its  propriety.  We 
shall  proceed  to  give  a  hurried  sketch  of  the  occur 
rence,  with  the  view  of  giving  it  typical  notoriety. 

The  sun,  on  the  morning  of  the  day  to  which  we  are 
about  to  refer,  rose  from  the  Gulf  with  a  rosy  glow,  and 
ere  long  flung  forth  its  rays,  polishing  its  surface,  as 
though  it  were  a  "  monster  "  mirror.  Bilious-looking, 
liver-affected  gentlemen,  in  broad-brimmed  Panama  and 
Leghorn  hats,  and  morning  gowns  ;  young  ladies  in 
sun  bonnets  and  "  Nora  creena "  dresses ;  and  older 
ladies  in  no  particular  style  of  dress,  might  be  seen 
wending  their  way  up  to  the  hotel,  having  taken  their 
matin  ablution.  The  birds  in  the  neighbouring  pine- 
trees  had  given  their  first  concert  for  the  morning ;  the 
sun  was  fast  beginning  to  absorb  the  little,  crystallized, 
154 


A   MURDER    CASE    IN   MISSISSIPPI.  155 

globular  dew  drops,  which,  a  short  time  before,  sur 
mounted  the  grass  blades,  making  the  lawn  in  front  of 
the  hotel  look  like  an  enamelled  carpet,  ornamented 
with  spangles.  Dissipated-looking  gentlemen  might 
also  be  observed,  hurriedly  preparing  their  toilet  for 
breakfast,  and  little  else  was  to  be  heard  than  a  call  for 
"  boots  "  from  No.  5 — a  call  for  soap  from  No.  9,  or 
a  call  for  a  napkin  from  No.  13,  except  the  hissing 
of  the  fish,  as,  half  covered  in  butter,  they  fried  in  the 
kitchen. 

While  things  were  in  a  state  such  as  we  have  repre 
sented  them,  a  tall,  thin  man,  with  the  nether  ends  of 
his  trousers  thrust  into  the  legs  of  his  horse-skin  boots, 
without  any  coat,  unshaven,  and  wearing  an  old  cone- 
crowned,  gray,  woollen  hat,  walked  hurriedly  and  agi 
tatedly  up  to  where  a  group  of  boarders  was  standing 
at  the  hotel  door,  and  inquired  for  the  attorney  of  the 
district,  who  happened  to  be  standing  at  the  hotel  at 
the  time.  The  latter  functionary  having  heard  his 
name  mentioned,  walked  out  from  his  room  and 
asked  "Jones" — the  man  in  the  horse-skin  boots — 

"  What  the  d 1  are  you  after  so  early? — Court  don't 

sit  till  ten." 

Now  Jones,  knowing  that  to  answer  this  very  fami 
liar,  though  not  very  polite  interrogatory,  he  would 
have  to  open  his  mouth,  and  knowing  that  in  opening 
his  mouth  he  could  not  retain  the  quantity  of  tobacco 
juice  with  which  it  was  filled,  took  the  preliminary  pre 
caution  to  expectorate  it,  before  replying  to  the  learned 
district  attorney;  which  done,  he  told  him  in  a  half- 
mysterious,  half-astonished  tone,  that  "  it  was  done  at 
last." 


156  A    MURDER    CASE    IN    MISSISSIPPI. 

"  Jones,"  says  the  district  attorney,  "  you're  a  living 
note  of  admiration!" — and  Jones,  by  the  way,  did  not 
look  unlike  a  standing  one.  "  You're  like  the  dwarf 
with  the  two  heads,  who  is  so  old  that  nobody  can  tell 
his  age — you're  a  perpetual  wonder — what  is  it  that's 
done  now,  that  seems  to  excite  your  alarm  so  ?" 

"  Why,  Granger  has  killed  his  wife  at  last,"  said 
Jones — who  turned  out  himself  to  be  a  limb  of  the 
law — being  constable,  crier  of  the  court,  and  subpoena- 
server  on  delinquent  tax-payers. 

"  0,  he  has,  has  he  ?"  said  the  district  attorney — 
"  let  me  have  your  tobacco,  Jones." 

Jones  handed  the  legal  representative  of  the  state, 
or  of  that  certain  district  of  it,  his  honey-dew,  and  the 
D.  A.  having  cut  a  chunk  off  it  and  deposited  it  in  his 
jaw,  coolly  remarked — "  You  have  summoned  an  in 
quest,  and  secured  Granger,  of  course." 

Jones. — "  I  have  secured  Granger,  and  an  almighty 
tough  job  I  had  of  it ;  but  I  reckon  the  body  must  be 
found  first,  'fore  there's  an  inquest.  I  don't  know  no 
law,  if  the  Magistrate's  Manual  don't  say,  in  an  article 
on  dead  bodies,  page  106,  that  there  can't  be  no  inquest 
where  there  aint  no  body  found." 

District  Attorney — Contemptuously. — "  O,  Jones,  I 
admit  you're  a  most  profound  lawyer  ;  but  notice  the 
judge ;  tell  him  I  will  be  in  court  at  ten  o'clock — let 
him  be  there  to  hear  this  case ;  and  I  will  be  there  to 
investigate  it,  in  the  name  and  on  behalf  of  the  sove 
reign  state  of  Mississippi ;  but,"  descending  from  his 
dignity,  "Jones,  let  us  liquor  before  you  go." 

"  Squire,"  said  Jones,  "  you  ought  to  be  chancellor, 


A    MURDER    CASE    IS    MISSISSIPPI.  157 

you  ought.     It's  the  first  time  I  shook  the  dew  off  my 
boots  this  morning." 

They  liquored,  and  Jones  went  to  obey  the  orders  of 
him  who  had  succeeded  in  ascending  a  few  rounds 
above  him  on  the  legal  ladder.  Granger's  murder  of 
the  wife  of  his  bosom  was  the  sole  talk  at  the  breakfast- 
table,  and,  indeed,  of  the  whole  village.  No  one  ex 
actly  knew  how  the  bloody  and  inhuman  deed  was  per 
petrated — nor  where  the  body  was :  but  all  agreed  that 
it  was  a  most  diabolical  murder.  They  knew  it  would 
come  to  that,  they  said  ;  they  were  always  quarrelling, 
was  Granger  and  his  wife,  and  often  drunk  ;  it  could 
not  be  otherwise.  Blood  was  found  on  the  floor,  and 
on  a  knife  that  was  found  under  the  cupboard.  But 
what  could  have  been  done  with  the  body  ?  One  saw 
Granger  sink  a  large  box  in  the  lake  before  day  ;  an 
other  saw  two  young  Saw-bones,  from  New  Orleans,  put 
off  in  a  skiff  a  little  after  day,  in  which  there  was  some 
thing  in  a  sack ;  and  a  third  noticed  the  earth  freshly 
dug  in  the  woods,  at  the  rear  of  Granger's  house. 

Ten  o'clock  came,  and  the  dingy  log-cabin  which 
formed  the  court-house  was  crowded.  The  judge  sat 
on  the  bench,  behind  a  huge  pair  of  iron-cased  spec 
tacles  ;  the  district  attorney  was  poring  over  a  "  dog 
eared  "  edition  of  "  Starkie  on  Evidence."  Jones 
was  sitting  with  his  horseskin  boots  stuck  upon  the 
table  before  him  and  before  the  judge,  his  feet,  of 
course,  being  in  them ;  and  Granger,  the  most  uncon 
cerned-looking  man  in  court,  was  whittling  a  stick- 
where  he  sat,  to  the  right  but  in  the  rear  of  the  bench. 

"  Are  you  prepared  to  proceed  with  this  case,  Mr. 
District  Attorney  ?"  said  the  judge. 


58  A    MURDER    CASE    IN    MISSISSIPPI. 

"  I  am  prepared,  your  honour,"  said  the  district  at 
torney. 

"  Are  you  ready  to  proceed  to  preliminary  trial,  Wil 
liam  Granger  ?"  said  the  judge,  with  all  the  assumed 
solemn  dignity  of  a  marshal ;  "or,  if  you  are  not  now, 
when  will  you  ?"  he  added. 

"Just  whenever  you  please,"  said  Granger,  in 
a  maudlin  tone  of  indifference ;  "  but  if  Sal  had 
taken  my  advice,  this  would  never  have  happened. 
She " 

"  Silence,  sir,"  said  the  judge  ;  "  in  the  first  place 
you  must  learn  to  respect  the  court,  and  in  the  next 
place,  you  are  not  bound  to  tell  any  thing  that  will  cri 
minate  yourself.  Mr.  District  Attorney,  proceed." 

Granger  muttered,  "  Criminate  the  d 1." 

Jones  called  silence.  The  district  attorney  then  took 
from  between  his  teeth  some  masticated  tobacco,  and 
proceeded  :  "  May  it  please  this  court,  I  am  about  to 
lay  before  you  the  skeleton — I  say  the  skeleton — for  the 
great  body  of  facts  are  not  yet  fully  developed.  I  am 
about  to  lay  before  you,  I  say,  the  skeleton  of  as  foul  a 
murder — as  inhuman  a  murder — as  unnatural  a  murder  as 
was  ever  recorded  in  the  annals  of  crime.  \Jlside — Jones, 
give  me  your  tobaccer.]  Yes,  sir,  a  murder,  which, 
considering  the  relations  that  existed  between  the  mur 
derer  and  his  victim,  would,  as  Shakspeare  says,  curl 
up  a  nigger's  blood,  and,  what  is  harder  still,  make  his 
hair  stand  on  end,  like  the  tail  of  a  frightened  gobbler! 
But,  sir,  although  the  manner  in  which  this  foul  deed 
was  perpetrated  is  at  present  shrouded  in  mystery — of 
the  fact  of  the  murder  there  is  no  doubt ;  the  prisoner 
and  his  wife  were  heard  quarrelling  last  evening  ;  she 


A   MURDER    CASE    IN   MISSISSIPPI.  159 

has  not  been  since  seen.  The  traces  of  blood  are  visi 
ble  on  the  floor,  and  a  knife  with  clotted  gore  on  it  was 
discovered  under  the  cupboard !" 

Granger  attempted  to  say  something  about  the  blood 
on  the  floor  and  on  the  knife  being  that  of  a  chicken 
Sail  killed  the  previous  evening,  but  Jones  called 
silence !  and  would  permit  him  to  make  no  explanation. 
The  district  attorney  proceeded  : — "I  was  saying,  your 
honour,  that  up  to  this  time,  the  body  of  the  murdered 
wife  has  not  been  discovered.  But,  as  '  murder  speaks 
with  most  miraculous  organ,'  it  will,  no  doubt,  soon  be 
seen." 

And  so,  in  truth,  it  was,  for  the  district  attorney  had 
not  well  finished  his  quotation,  when  Mrs.  Granger,  all 
alive,  protruding  her  head  into  the  court,  called  out — 
"  Consarn  you,  Bill  Granger,  is  it  there  you  be,  instead 
of  hoein'  the  taters !  but  when  I  was  goin'  to  that  ere 
quiltin'  frolic  of  Mrs.  Sharp's  last  evenin',  I  said  you 
wouldn't  do  nothin'  till  I  came  back,  and  I  knew  you 
wouldn't — corisarn  your  picter!" 

It  is  unnecessary  to  say,  that  the  appearance  of  Mrs. 
Granger,  in  proper  person — in  substance,  not  in  shade — 
in  court  created  no  little  consternation.  The  fear, 
which  what  was  believed  her  apparition  first  occasioned, 
was  succeeded  on  the  part  of  the  crowd  by  a  unani 
mous  burst  of  humour,  but,  on  the  part  of  the  judge 
and  the  district  attorney,  by  a  consciousness  that  they 
had  made  themselves  rather  ridiculous.  "I  think  we 
have  proceeded  far  enough  in  this  case,"  said  the 
judge. 

"  I  call  for  a  conviction,"  said  Jones.     "  I  ain't  a  goin 


160  A    MURDER    CASE    IN    MISSISSIPPI. 

to  be  chizzelled  out  of  my  fees  for  making  the  arrest, 
that  way." 

"  Why  the  woman  that  you  charged  Granger  with 
killing — his  wife — stands  before  you  !"  said  the  judge, 
surprised  at  the  absurdity  of  Jones's  request. 

"  0,  you  can't  come  it,  judge,"  said  Jones.  "  I  sup 
pose  you  don't  think  I  never  read  law  ;  just  hold  on  a 
while  " — and  he  snatched  up  "  Phillips  on  Evidence," 
turning  to  page  64,  triumphantly  read  : — 

"  JJs  a  party  on  record  is  not  a  competent  witness — 
neither  is  the  husband  or  wife  of  the  party  competent  to 
give  evidence  either  for  or  against  the  party ;"  and  throw 
ing  down  the  book,  he  exclaimed — "  there,  I  believe  that 
settles  the  pint ;  I  believe,  'cording  to  law,  Mrs.  Gran 
ger  ain't  a  competent  witness  to  prove  in  favour  of  her 
husband  in  this  case.  I  reckon  not." 

The  court  was  dismissed.  Granger  and  his  wife 
went  home,  arguing,  as  usual,  by  the  way  ;  the  specta 
tors  were  convulsed  with  laughter  at  the  termination 
of  the  awful  murder  case ;  the  judge  and  the  district 
attorney  attributed  the  mistakes  of  the  morning  to  that 
"  fool,  Jones,"  and  Jones  swore  he  would  never  make 
another  arrest  as  long  as  he'd  live. 


KICKING  A  YANKEE. 

BV    JOS.  M.  FIELD,  ESQ.,   OF    THE    ST.  LOUIS  "  REVEILLE." 

Few  men  of  his  age  have  written  so  much  and  so  well  as  Mr. 
Field,  whose  contributions  to  the  press,  under  the  signatures 
of  "  Straws,"  "  Everpoint,"  etc.,  etc.,  would  make  a  large  and 
most  amusing  series  of  pen  and  ink  sketches.  His  facility 
of  composition  is  not  less  surprising  than  his  industry,  for  he 
has  been  for  years  either  engaged  in  the  laborious  profession 
of  the  stage,  or  writing  for  a  daily  newspaper. 

A  VERY  handsome  friend  of  ours,  who  a  few  weeks  ago 
was  poked  out  of  a  comfortable  office  up  the  river,  has 
betaken  himself  to  Bangor,  for  a  time,  to  recover  from 
the  wound  inflicted  upon  his  feelings  by  our  "  unprinci 
pled  and  immolating  administration." 

Change  of  air  must  have  had  an  instantaneous  effect 
upon  his  spirits,  for,  from  Galena,  he  writes  us  an 
amusing  letter,  which,  among  other  things,  tells  us  of  a 
desperate  quarrel  that  took  place  on  board  of  the  boat 
between  a  real  live  dandy  tourist,  and  a  real  live  Yankee 
settler.  The  latter  trod  on  the  toes  of  the  former; 
whereupon  the  former  threatened  to  "  Kick  out  of  the 
cabin"  the  latter. 

"  You'll  kick  me  out  of  this  cabing?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I'll  kick  you  out  of  this  cabin !" 

"  You'll  kick  me,  Mr.  Hitchcock,  out  of  this  cabing  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I'll  kick  you,  Mr.  Hitchcock!" 

161 


162  KICKING    A    YANKEE. 

"  Wai,  I  guess,"  said  the  Yankee,  veiy  coolly,  after 
being  perfectly  satisfied  that  it  was  himself  who  stood 
in  such  imminent  peril  of  assault — "  I  guess,  since  you 
talk  of  kicking,  you've  never  heard  me  tell  about  old 
Bradley  and  my  mare,  there,  to  hum  ?" 

"  No,  sir,  nor  do  I  wish " 

"  Wai,  guess  it  won't  set  you  back  much,  any  how, 
as  kicking's  generally  best  to  be  considered  on.  You 
see  old  Bradley  is  one  of  these  sanctimonious,  long- 
faced  hypocrites,  who  put  on  a  religious  suit  every 
Sabbath  morning,  and  with  a  good  deal  of  screwing, 
manage  to  keep  it  on  till  after  sermon  in  the  afternoon ; 
and  as  I  was  a  Universalist,  he  allers  picked  me  out  as 
a  subject  for  religious  conversation — and  the  darned 
hypocrite  would  talk  about  heaven,  hell,  and  the  devil — 
the  crucifixion  and  prayer,  without  ever  winking.  Wai, 
he  had  an  old  roan  mare  that  would  jump  over  any 
fourteen-rail  fence  in  Illinois,  and  open  any  door  in  my 
barn  that  hadn't  a  padlock  on  it.  Tu  or  three  times  I 
found  her  in  my  stable,  and  I  told  Bradley  about  it,  and 
he  was  '  very  sorry' — *  an  unruly  animal' — '  would  watch 
her,'  and  a  hull  lot  of  such  things,  all  said  in  a  very 
serious  manner,  with  a  face  twice  as  long  as  old  Deacon 
Farrar's  on  Sacrament  day.  I  knew  all  the  time  he  was 
lying,  and  so  I  watched  him  and  his  old  roan  tu ;  and 
for  three  nights  regular,  old  roan  came  to  my  stable 
about  bedtime,  and  just  at  daylight  Bradley  would  come, 
bridle  her,  and  ride  off.  I  then  just  took  my  old  mare 
down  to  a  blacksmith's  shop,  and  had  some  shoes  made 
with  '  corks'  about  four  inches  long,  and  had  'em  nailed 
on  to  her  hind  feet.  Your  heels,  mister,  aint  nuthing 
tu  'em.  I  took  her  home,  give  her  about  ten  feet 


KICKING   A    YANKEE.  163 

halter,  and  tied  her  right  in  the  centre  of  the  stable,  fed 
her  well  with  oats  about  nine  o'clock,  and  after  taking 
a  good  smoke,  went  to  bed,  knowing  that  my  old  mare 
was  a  truth-telling  animal,  and  that  she'd  give  a  good 
report  of  herself  in  the  morning.  I  hadn't  got  fairly  to 
sleep  before  the  old  'oman  hunched  me  and  wanted  to 
know  what  on  airth  was  the  matter  out  at  the  stable. 
Says  I,  *  Go  tu  sleep,  Peggy,  it  is  nothing  but  Kate — 
she  is  kicking  off  flies,  I  guess!'  Purty  soon  she 
hunched  me  agin,  and  says  she,  'Mr.  Hitchcock,  du  git 
up  and  see  what  in  the  world  is  the  matter  with  Kate, 
for  she  is  kicking  most  powerfully.'  *  Lay  still,  Peggy, 
Kate  will  take  care  of  herself,  I  guess.'  Wai,  the  next 
morning,  about  daylight,  Bradley,  with  bridle  in  hand, 
cum  to  the  stable,  as  true  as  the  book  of  Genesis ;  when 
he  saw  the  old  roan's  sides,  starn,  and  head,  he  cursed 
and  swore  worse  than  you  did,  mister,  when  I  came 
down  on  your  toes.  Arter  breakfast  that  morning  Joe 
Davis  cum  to  my  house,  and  says  he,  *  Bradley's  old 
roan  is  nearly  dead — she's  cut  all  to  pieces  and  can 
scarcely  move.'  *  I  want  to  know,'  says  I,  '  how  on 
airth  did  it  happen  ?'  Now  Joe  Davis  was  a  member 
of  the  same  church  with  Bradley,  and  whilst  we  were 
talking,  up  cum  that  everlastin'  hypocrite,  and  says  he, 
'  Mr.  Hitchcock,  my  old  roan  is  ruined !'  *  Du  tell,' 
says  I.  '  She  is  cut  all  to  pieces,'  says  he ;  'do  you 
know  whether  she  was  in  your  stable,  Mr.  Hitchcock, 
last  night  ?'  Wai,  mister,  with  this  I  let  out :  *  Do  I 
know  it?' — (the  Yankee  here,  in  illustration,  made  a 
sudden  advance  upon  the  dandy,  who  made  way  for 
him  unconsciously,  as  it  were) — '  Do  I  know  it,  you 
no-souled,  shad-bellied,  squash-headed,  old  night-owl 


164  KICKING    A    YANKEE. 

you! — you  hay-hookin',  corn-cribbin',  fodder- fudgin', 
cent-shavin',  whitlin'-of-nuthin'  you  ! — Kate  kicks  like 
a  mere  dumb  beast,  but  I've  reduced  the  thing  to  a 
science  T  "  The  Yankee  had  not  ceased  to  advance,  or 
the  dandy,  in  his  astonishment,  to  retreat ;  and  now,  the 
motion  of  the  latter  being  accelerated  by  an  apparent 
demonstration  on  the  part  of  the  former  to  "  suit  the 
action  to  the  word,"  he  found  himself  in  the  "social 
hall,"  tumbling  backwards  over  a  pile  of  baggage,  and 
tearing  the  knees  of  his  pants  as  he  scrambled  up,  a 
perfect  scream  of  laughter  stunning  him  from  all  sides. 
The  defeat  was  total : — a  few  moments  afterwards  he 
was  seen  dragging  his  own  trunk  ashore,  while  Mr. 
Hitchcock  finished  his  story  on  the  boiler  deck. 


'•  Tie  Yankee  had  not  ceased  to  advance,  nor  the  dandy,  in  his  astonish 
ment  to  retreat. — Page  164. 


A  "DOWN  EAST"  ORIGINAL. 

BY    "  DE    KOGBY,"    OF    BOSTON. 

"  De  Nogby"  is  an  illustrious  member  of  the  renowned  "  Digby 
Club"  of  the  "  Modern  Athens,"  as  also  of  that  time-hon 
oured  sodality,  the  "  Mammoth  Cod  Association,"  which  last 
recently  celebrated  its  267th  anniversary  !  Since  our  promo 
tion  to  the  responsible  situation  of  chairman  of  the  "  Com 
mittee  on  Eimbo,"  it  is  understood  that  "  De  Nogby"  is 
prosecuting  his  studies  at  the  Swimming  School  with  the 
utmost  assiduity,  in  the  hope  of  an  appointment  to  the  "  Com 
mittee  on  Drowning." 

I  WAS  rash  enough  on  the  first  of  the  month  to  go  into 
the  country  to  live,  seduced  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson's 
laudation  of  Spring,  and  am  heartily  sick  of  it,  for  the 
wind  has  been  on  a  blow  ever  since,  and,  like  a  big 
baby,  made  a  child's  rattle  of  every  thing  it  could  lay 
its  hands  to,  from  a  "  huckleberry"  bush  up  to  an  ortho 
dox  meeting-house.  But  there  is  one  consolation :  my 
hen's  nest  is  so  arranged  that  the  eggs  fall  directly  from 
the  fowl  into  my  skillet  of  hot  water ;  consequently  I 
eat  them  fresher,  perhaps,  than  they  do  at  some  board 
ing-houses,  where  the  landladies  appear  to  believe  that 
they  are  not  fit  to  cook  until  they  have  attained  the 
haul  gout.  Or,  perhaps,  they  keep  them  until  they  are 
cheap  enough  to  eat,  on  the  same  principle  that  "Johnny 

L "  (of  whom  so  many  queer  stories  are  told)  kept 

his  fish.     "Johnny"  was  seen  carrying  home  a  piece 
L  165 


166  A  "DOWN-EAST"  ORIGINAL. 

of  fresh  salmon  at  a  time  when  it  was  a  dollar  a  pound  ; 
he  was  asked  why  he  didn't  wait  until  it  was  cheaper  ? 
"  Aha!"  replied  Johnny,  "  I  know  what  Pm  about.  I 
shall  put  it  in  my  ice-chest,  and  when  it  gets  down  to 
twenty-five  cents  a  pound,  I  shall  eat  it !" 

Johnny  is  the  same  "  stick"  who  set  a  light  that  the 
rats  might  see  to  go  into  his  trap,  and  when  asked  by 
the  painter  what  letter  he  would  have  put  on  the  panel 
of  his  carriage,  preferred  W,  because  he  thought  it  the 
best  looking  in  the  whole  alphabet.  He  once  marked 
up  the  prices  of  his  goods  in  a  dull  season,  and  when 
he  had  finished  the  job  wrent  home  and  told  his  wife  he 
had  made  a  thousand  dollars  by  the  operation — forget 
ting  that  the  merchandise  yet  remained  to  be  sold. 
Told,  once,  that  his  store  was  on  fire,  he  said  it  couldn't 
be,  for  he  had  the  key  in  his  pocket ;  and  he  is  said  to 
have  ordered  a  huge  thermometer  to  regulate  the  weather, 
and  locked  his  door  to  keep  the  heat  out.  When  he  had 
killed  his  pig,  he  sagely  remarked  that  "  it  didn't  weigh 
as  much  as  he  expected,  and  he  never  thought  it  would." 
He  sold  half  of  his  porker  to  a  neighbour,  but  it  was  a 
question  how  it  should  be  divided,  after  cutting  it  across 

in  the  middle.     The  neighbour  proposed  that  L 

should  put  his  hand  unseen  by  him  on  one  extremity  or 
the  other,  and  he'd  say,  without  knowing  what  it  was, 
whether  he  would  have  it  or  not.  Johnny  consented, 
and  slightly  cutting  off  the  pig's  curly  termination,  when 
his  friend's  back  was  turned,  stuck  it  on  the  nose,  and 
demanded,  "  Who  shall  have  the  part  with  the  tail  on  ?" 
"  I !"  exclaimed  the  other  triumphantly.  "Then  you 
have  got  the  fore-quarters!"  said  Johnny.  On  another 
occasion,  some  waggish  butchers  in  the  market  per- 


A  "  DOWN-EAST"  ORIGINAL.  167 

suaded  him  that  it  would  improve  the  looks  of  his 
favourite  dog  to  cut  his  tail  shorter.  Johnny  assented, 
but  fearing  to  trust  the  operation  to  any  of  the  wags,  he 
got  them  to  hold  the  animal  while  he  acted  as  surgeon, 
for  he  said  he  wanted  only  a  very  little  amputated  "  to 
begin  with."  After  calculating  very  nicely  where  to 
strike,  Johnny  raised  the  cleaver  ;  at  the  same  moment 
the  butchers  shoved  the  dog  along,  so  that  when  the 
knife  had  fallen,  the  poor  man  found  that  he  had  severed 
his  cur  in  twain,  whereupon  he  protested,  in  perfect  dis 
may,  that  "  it  was  a  little  too  short,  by  a  d — d  sight!" 


"SOMEBODY  IN  MY  BED!" 

BY   W.    J.    JONES,    ESQ.,    OF   HARRISBURG,    PA.. 

We  are  not  quite  sure  we  have  given  Mr.  J's.  address  correctly, 
but  never  mind,  he  may  be  a  relative  of  that  Hamilton  C. 
Jones,  Esq.,  of  North  Carolina,  whose  story  of  "  Cousin 
Sally  Dilliard"  has  for  the  twentieth  time  gone  the  rounds  of 
the  press.  At  any  rate  he  sent  the  sketch  below  to  the 
"  Spirit  of  the  Times"  from  Harrisburg,  with  a  promise  to  be 
come  an  occasional  contributor — a  promise  which  he  has 
incontinently  forgotten,  to  the  great  regret  and  mortification  of 
the  editor  thereof  and  some  tens  of  thousands  of  its  readers. 

A  WEEK  or  two  ago,  during  my  peregrinations  through 
northern  Pennsylvania,  spreading  knowledge  among 
the  denizens  thereof,  (I  sell  books!)  I  "just  dropt  in" 
at  a  comfortable-looking  inn,  where  I  concluded  to  re 
main  for  a  day  or  two.  After  a  good  substantial  supper, 
I  lit  a  "  York  County  Principe,"  (the  like  of  which  sell 
in  these  regions  at  the  rate  of  four  for  a  penny,)  and 
seated  myself  in  the  ring  formed  around  the  bar-room 
stove.  There  was  the  brawny  butcher,  the  effeminate 
tailor,  a  Yankee  fidler,  two  horse  dealers,  a  speculator,  a 
blackleg,  the  village  Esculapius,  and  "  the  Captain," 
who,  in  consequence  of  being  able  to  live  on  his  means, 
was  a  person  of  no  small  importance,  and  therefore 
allowed  to  sit  before  the  fire-stove  with  the  poker  to 
stir  the  fire — a  mark  of  respect  granted  only  to  persons 
of  standing. 
168 


"  SOMEBODY    IN   MY    BED."  169 

Yarn  after  yarn  had  been  spun  and  the  hour  for  retiring 
had  arrived — the  landlord  was  dosing  behind  his  bar, — 
and  the  spirit  of  the  conversation  was  beginning  to  flag, 
when  the  doctor  whispered  to  me  that  if  I  would  pay 
attention,  he  would  "  top  off"  with  a  good  one. 

"  I  believe,  captain,"  said  the  doctor,  "  I  never  told 
you  about  my  adventure  with  a  woman  at  my  boarding 
house,  when  I  was  attending  the  lecture." 

"  No,  let's  have  it,"  replied  the  individual  addressed, 
who  was  a  short,  flabby,  fat  man  of  about  fifty,  with  a 
highly  nervous  temperament,  and  a  very  red  face. 

"  At  the  time  I  attended  the  lectures,  I  boarded  at  a 
house  in  which  there  were  no  females,  but  the  landlady 
and  an  old  coloured  cook " 

(Here  the  doctor  made  a  slight  pause,  and  the  cap 
tain,  by  way  of  requesting  him  to  go  on,  said  "  Well.") 

"  I  often  felt  the  want  of  female  society  to  soften  the 
severe  labours  of  deep  study,  and  dispel  the  ennui  to 
which  I  was  subject " 

"  Well,"  said  the  captain. 

"  But  as  I  feared  that  forming  acquaintances  among 
the  ladies  might  interfere  with  my  studies,  I  avoided 
them  all " 

"  Well." 

"  One  evening  after  listening  to  a  long  lecture  on 
physical  anatomy,  and  after  dissecting  a  large  negro, 
fatigued  in  body  and  mind,  I  went  to  my  lodgings " 

"  Well,"  said  the  captain. 

"  I  went  into  the  hall,  took  a  large  lamp,  and  went 
directly  to  my  room,  it  being  then  after  one  o'clock " 

"Well!" 

"  I  placed  the  light  upon  the  table,  and  commenced 


170  "  SOMEBODY    IN   MY   BED." 

undressing.  I  had  hardly  got  my  coat  off  when  my 
attention  was  attracted  to  a  frock,  and  a  quantity  of 
petticoats  lying  on  a  chair  near  the  bed " 

"  Well!"  said  the  captain,  who  began  to  show  signs 
that  he  was  getting  deeply  interested. 

"  And  a  pair  of  beautiful  small  shoes  and  stockings 
on  the  floor.  Of  course  I  thought  it  strange,  and  was 
about  to  retire — but  then  I  thought  as  it  was  my  room, 
I  had  at  least  a  right  to  know  who  was  in  my  bed " 

"  Exactly,"  nodded  the  captain,  "  well !" 

"So  I  took  the  light,  went  softly  to  the  bed,  and 
with  a  trembling  hand  drew  aside  the  curtain.  Heavens! 
what  a  sight!  A  young  girl — I  should  say  an  angel, 
of  about  eighteen,  was  in  there  asleep " 

"  Well !"  said  the  captain,  giving  his  chair  a  hitch. 

"  As  I  gazed  upon  her,  I  thought  that  I  had  never 
witnessed  any  thing  more  beautiful.  From  underneath 
a  little  night-cap,  rivalling  the  snow  in  whiteness,  fell 
a  stray  ringlet  over  a  neck  and  shoulders  of  ala 
baster " 

"  Well !"  said  the  excited  captain,  giving  his  chair 
another  hitch. 

"  Never  did  I  look  upon  a  bust  more  perfectly 
formed.  I  took  hold  of  the  coverlid  and  softly  pulled 
it  down " 

"  Well !"  said  the  captain,  betraying  the  utmost 
excitement. 

"  To  her  waist " 

"  Well! /"  said  the  captain,  dropping  the  paper,  and 
renewing  the  position  of  his  legs. 

"  She  had  on  a  night  dress,  buttoned  up  before,  but 
softly  I  opened  the  two  first  buttons " 


"  SOMEBODY    IN    MY    BED."  171 

"  WELL  ! ! !"  said  the  captain,  wrought  to  the  highest 
pitch  of  excitement. 

"  And  then,  ye  gods !  what  a  sight  to  gaze  upon — 
a  Hebe — pshaw !  words  fail.  Just  then " 

"WELL!!!!"  said  the  captain,  hitching  his  chair 
right  and  left,  and  squirting  his  tobacco  juice  against  the 
stove  that  it  fairly  fizzed  again. 

"  I  thought  that  I  was  taking  a  mean  advantage  of 
her,  so  I  covered  her  up,  seized  my  coat  and  boots, 
and  went  and  slept  in  another  room  !" 

"  IPs  a  lie  /"  shouted  the  excited  captain,  jumping 
up  and  kicking  over  his  chair.  "  IT'S  A  LIE  !" 


A  DAY  AT  SOL.  SLICE'S. 

BY  "NAT.  SLOCUM,"  OF  SOUTH  CAROLINA. 

We  would  "  give  all  our  old  clothes"  and  a  new  suit  to  boot,  to 
shake  hands  with  the  writer  of  the  sketch  subjoined.  Who 
he  is,  we  doubt  if  "  the  oldest  inhabitant"  of  Carolina  can 
tell ;  certainly  we  have  forgotten  if  we  ever  knew,  but  if  we 
ever  should  be  fortunate  enough  to  meet  him,  if  he  does  not 
"touch  knees  with  us  under  mahogany"  it  shall  not  be  our 
fault. 

SHORTLY  after  my  election,  in  183-,  I  attended  a 
review  held  at  "  Slice's  Muster  Ground."  Before 
mounting  my  charger,  I  observed,  tacked  to  a  tree  near 
me,  a  sheet  of  foolscap  paper,  on  which  was  written,  in 
letters  of  nearly  an  inch,  the  following : — 

Dinner  kin  be  had  On  the  FoLLowin  Turns  at  my 
HousE  to  Day  privSs  thirty  seven  cents  non  comeishund 
ophisers  25  comeishund  frEE  i  want  you  awl  to  ete 
dancin  to  beGin  at  won  erclock  awl  them  what  dont 
wish  to  kevort  will  finD  cards  on  the  shelf  in  the 
cubberd  {J£$p  licker  On  the  uzual  Turns 

SOLOMON  SLICE. 
172 


; 
A    DAY    AT    SOL.  SLICED.  173 

I  had,  by  hard  study,  deciphered  this  fancy  piece  of 
handicraft,  when  old  Slice  came  up. 

"  Aha,  kunnel,  I  see  the  'lection  haint  spiled  you ; 
you  cares  more  for  yer  belly  than  you  does  for  them 
muster  fellows  yit." 

I  assured  him  I  did. 

"  Well,  could  you  make  it  out  ?  Some  of  them  un- 
larnt  fellers,  Joe  Smith,  Tim  Daly,  and  Bill  Lever,  the 
ugly  son  of  a  gun,  'lowed  they  didn't  know  what  it 
was!  Tim  sed  he  reckined  the  old  gobler  must  'ave 
trod  in  the  ink !  Now,  I  don't  see  nothin'  agin  them 
letters.  To  be  sure,  that  D  is  sot  a  leetle  too  forred  ; 
but  the  balance  is  as  good  as  anybody  kin  do.  I 
writ  it  big,  so,  as  Scriptur'  says,  them  what  runs  kin 
read." 

"  But  why,  Slice,  do  you  make  such  difference  in 
your  charges  ?" 

"  Well,  see  here,  kunnel,  it  don't  much  matter  to  me 
ef  them  privates  don't  come  ;  but  it  is  some  credit  to 
have  fellers  with  eppletts  on  a  settin'  up  to  my  vittles, 
and  ef  I  do  make  a  leetle  sommat  at  the  licker  busness, 
it's  you  officers  what  has  the  muster  here — so  I  gives 
you  free  seats." 

I  determined  to  be  one  of  his  guests  that  day,  as  I 
had  heard  he  entertained  well.  So  after  parade  I  made 
my  way  back  to  Slice's,  and  found  I  was  not  a  moment 
too  early:  dinner  was  already  on  a  table  spread  in  the 
yard.  As  I  came  up,  old  Sol.  mounted  the  table,  and 
cried  out — at  the  same  time  waving  a  dirty  dishcloth 
above  his  head — "Oh  yis,  gentlemen/  Oh  yis!  din 
ner's  reddy !  Come,  awl  of  yer." 


174  A    DAY    AT    SOL.  SLICE'S. 

Fortune  gave  me  a  seat  near  Bill  Lever,  than  whom 
it  would  be  impossible  to  imagine  a  worse-looking  or 
better-natured  fellow.  To  attempt  a  description  of  him 
would  be  to  make  a  failure.  His  face  can  bid  defiance 
to  the  brush  and  palette  of  the  best  artist.  On  my  right 
sat  Tim  Daly,  "  his  shadder."  Then  began  the  clatter 
of  knives  and  forks,  interspersed  with  loud  orders  for 
"vittles."  "More  bread,  here!"  "  Sol.,  you  skunk, 
bring  that  mutton  here  !"  "  Beef,  beef,  BEEF  !"  from  a 
burly  old  fellow,  who  was  leaning  back  in  his  chair,  his 
eyes  shut  tight,  and  mouth  like  a  young  mocking-bird. 
"  Pass  them  taturs  down  this  way,  Uncle  Slice — that's 
you  ;"  and  squealed  out  a  little  sallow-faced  sandlapper 
— "  More  cowcumbers  at  this  place  !" 

Old  Sol.  Slice  was  raised  now.  "  You  infernal  cop 
per-coloured  sneak !  jist  get  rite  up  from  that  table ! 
You  set  there  and  holler  as  ef  you  paid  fur  yer  dinner, 
'stead  of  some  pusson  giving  it  to  you !  Jist  hist,  and 
take  yourself  off  to  that  clay  bank  down  thar !  You 
wont  be  so  much  outen  yer  element  thar,  I  reckin ! 
Will  you  go, you  ?" 

Cowcumber  sloped. 

"Is  them  your  turns,  Slice?"  inquired  Daly;  "I 
thought  the  turkey  writ  out — I  want  you  awl  to  ete." 

"  D — n  you  and  the  gobler  too — I  want  awl  to  ete, 
but  derned  ef  he's  to  ete  awl !  He's  ete  three  plates  of 
cowcumbers  a'reddy." 

"  Uncle  Sol.,"  now  put  in  Lever,  "  don't  you  see  yer 
bill  is  wrong  ?  Now  take  my  advice  and  have  it  altered 
by  next  mustering  day ;  and  I  reckon  you  had  better 
begin  it  this  evenin',  for  you  know  it's  a  mity  teedjus 
job." 


A    DAY    AT    SOL.   SLICE'S.  175 

"You  ugly  son  of  a  gun!"  muttered  old  Sol.,  going 
off—"  yer  mother  ought  to  'ave  been  ashamed  of  herself 
to  'ave  had  you  ;  but,  poor  creetur,  I  reckin  she  couldn't 
help  it." 

"  Mr.  Lever,"  I  asked,  "  why  do  these  people  always 
speak  of  you  as  {  ugly  Bill  Lever?'  You  do  not  think 
yourself  bad-looking,  do  you?" 

"  Well,  kunnel,  I  used  to  blieve  I  was  only  toloble 
good-looking,  and  remained  in  that  blissful  ignunce 
twell  I  was  proved  to  be  the  ugliest  man  in  all  Charles 
ton  :  and  sence  that,  ef  thar  are  anything  that  I  humps 
myself  on,  it's  my  ugly." 

"Proven  to  be  the  worst-looking  man — how  was 
that?  TeH  me." 

"  I  never  said  wost-lookin — I  sed  ugliest — wost- 
lookin,  the  devil !  Well,  I  went  to  Charleston,  with 
brother  Lije  Lever — he's  one  of  yer  wost-lookin  fel 
lers — I'm  ugly.  As  I  was  sayin',  I  went  to  town 
with  him ;  we  tuck  a  load  of  poultry — we  made  a 
right  nice  spec  that  trip,  too.  Well,  arter  we  had  laid 
in  some  shugar,  and  coffee,  and  some  necessaries,  we 
was " 

"  Stop !"  interrupted  Daly.  "  What  do  you  mean  by 
necessaries  ?" 

"  Licker." 

"  I  thought  so — go  on." 

"  Well,  arter  gitting  them  things,  we  started  for  home. 
As  we  was  comin'  up  King  Street " 

"Stop!"  again  interrupted  Daly.  "Who  was 
drivin'?" 

"  Brother  Lije." 


176  A    DAY    AT    SOL.  SLICED. 

"  Aha,  and  you  was  in  the  wagin  on  top  the  bar'],  as 
uzual." 

"  I  was  in  the  waggin.  Ef  you  don't  hush,  Tim,  I'll 
quit.  We  had  got  a  matter  of  about  half-way  up  the 
street,  when  a  dandy,  dressed  in  the  hite  of  fashun,  and 
mounted  on  a  blood  bay  hoss,  came  canterin'  down 
ahead  of  us.  All  at  wunst  he  drawed  up  by  the  side 
of  Lije,  and  ses  he,  '  I've  found  him  at  last.' 

"  '  Found  whatT  sez  Lije. 

"  '  Why,'  sez  the  dandy, '  I'll  bet  you  ten  dollars  you 
are  the  ugliest  man  in  Charleston.' 

"  Sez  Lije,  very  coolly,  sez  he, '  I  never  bets,  mister ; 
but  I'm  not  deservin'  of  that  honour ;  I'll  show  you 
what  is ;'  and  turning  in  his  saddle  to'ards  me,  '  Poke 
yer  head  out,  Billy,'  sez  he.  No  sooner  said  than  done : 
I  histed  the  waggin-sheet,  and  looked  out  on  him.  I 
never  did  see  a  feller  so  sot  back !  There  he  stood  a 
gazin'  at  me — I  thought  he  was  demented.  At  last, 
comin'  too  a  little,  he  sez  to  me,  '  You  need  not  git  out, 
my  friend — your  face  is  sufficient  to  convince  me.  And, 
though  you  didn't  bet,'  sez  he,  turnin'  to  Lije,  '  I  think 
you  fully  deserve  the  ten.  Here  it  is.  I  thank  you, 
gentlemen,  for  the  finest  site  that  ever  my  eyes  feasted 
upon.  Good  mornin' ;'  and  he  rode  oflf." 

Here  Lever  ceased  speaking,  and  fell  to  eating  very 
rapidly,  as  if  he  wished  to  make  up  for  lost  time. 

"  Why  don't  you  go  on,  Bill,  and  tell  the  kunnel 
about  the  balance  of  that  trip  ?"  inquired  Tim  Daly. 

"  'Cause  you  kin  do  it  as  well  as  me,  and  I've  got  to 
the  innard  man  now." 

"  Kunnel,  Bill  don't  like  to  tell  this,  for  ef  thar  are 


A    DAY    AT    SOL.   SLICE'S.  177 

anything  he  humps  hisself  on  besides  ugly,  it  is  his  man 
ners  among  the  fimmales,  and  I'll  say  it  here  before  him ; 
he  does  please  the  gals  fust  rate.  A  grate  beau  is  Bill. 
The  day  he  left  Charleston  he  dipped  inter  that  gin 
bar'l  putty  freekwent,  in  konsequence  of  which  he 
was,  as  one  might  say,  travellin'  incogniter  all  that 
evening. 

"  Well,  next  morning  he  wanted  warter  the  worst 
sort ;  so  the  fust  house  he  comes  to,  he  goes  up  to  the 
gate,  and  hollered,  *  Keeps  house  ?'  A  tall  man  come 
out  and  wanted  to  know  his  will.  Then  it  was  he 
stared.  Did  you  ever  see  a  greenhorn  at  a  animal 
show  ?  Ef  you  has,  then  you  kin  have  some  idear  of 
the  look  he  give  Bill. 

"  '  Could  a  body  git  some  warter,  ef  you  please  ?' 

"  The  man  stared  afresh — so  Bill  began  opening  the 
gate. 

"  '  Stop,  for  heaven's  sake,'  sez  the  man  ;  '  I'll  have 
it  brought  to  you. — Don't  come  in — my  wife  is  in  a 
very  delicut  way,  and  the  frite  might  cause  a  flustra- 
tion.' " 

"  That's  a  durned  lie,"  shouted  Lever.  "  Come, 
boys,  let's  go  in  among  the  gals — I  hear  the  fiddle." 

We  then  adjourned  to  the  "  ball-room,"  which  we 
found  crowded  with  dancers  already  on  the  floor. 

"  Come,  kunnel,"  said  Slice,  "  here  is  Miss  Patsey 
Jaggers,  jest  from  town,  and  the  best  dancer  in  the 
room  :  let  me  interduce  you." 

Sol.  took  my  arm — led  me  across  the  room — and,  in 
all  due  form,  presented  me.  I  made  my  congee,  and 
solicited  the  "  exquisite  pleasure,  the  ecstatic  delight," 


178 


A    DAY    AT    SOL.  SLICE'S. 


&c.,  which  she  readily  promised.  We  conversed  about 
"  town"  and  the  people  with  whom  she  had  there  be 
come  acquainted.  I  found  her  much  more  intelligent 
than  the  girls  one  generally  meets  at  such  places. 

"  Take  dem  pardners,  gemplemen,"  sung  out  Long 
Ben,  an  old  negro,  who  had  fiddled  for  that  "  beat"  for 
the  last  quarter  of  a  century.  I  immediately  led  out 
Miss  Patsey  Jaggers,  intending  to  take  the  "head." 

"  Col.  Slokum,"  said  she,  "  I  see  it  is  well  for  you 
I  came  to-day ;  I  know  these  people  well.  They  do 
not  like  strangers  to  take,  what  they  call,  liberties — it 
would  be  better,  therefore,  that  we  should  be  second, 
rather  than  first,  in  this  reel ;  and  you  need  not  be  very 
precise  in  your  steps;  but  if  you  know  any  negro 
dances,  fire  away  at  them  !" 

When  a  boy,  the  negroes,  at  their  frolics  on  my  fa 
ther's  plantation,  had  initiated  me  into  all  the  "  sleights" 
of  which  their  African  legs  were  capable ;  and  on  this 
day  they  stood  me  a  good  turn.  When  my  time  came, 
therefore,  I  took  "  a  hop,  skip,  and  a  jump  "  towards 
my  partner,  "  racked  back  on  my  hind  feet  a  little,"  then 
commenced  "  the  double  shuffle,"  "  pigeon-wing  on  the 
floor,"  "de  same  in  de  ar,"  "Pete  Jonson's  knock," 
"  the  under  elects,"  and  other  refined  steps,  "  too  nu 
merous  to  mention ;"  and  finally  finished  off  on  "  old 
trimble  toes  " — a  rare  and  difficult  movement. — I  saw 
that  I  had  succeeded,  for  shouts  of  applause  for  "the 
kunnel  "  came  from  all  quarters  of  the  room.  "  Go  it, 
kunnel ;  you're  a  trump  !"  "  Look  at  him,  Jake  ! 
what  do  you  think  of  that  ?"  "  Why,  the  man  hain't 
a  bone  in  him  !"  "  He  stands  back  on  his  hind  feet 
like  a  venison."  "  I  wish  I  had  him  in  my  barn  ;  he'd 


A   DAY    AT    SOL.    SLICE'S.  179 

tramp  out  wheat  nice" — and  such  other  comments 
caused  me  to  hold  high  my  haughty  head. 

"  Bill,  now  it's  yer  time,"  said  our  beef  man.  "  You 
are  allers  good,  but  I  has  a  faint  idear  that  you  has 
here  met  yer  ekal." 

"  Two  to  one  on  that,"  squealed  out  Cowcumber. 
"  I  knows  Bill  well,  and  I'll  go  you  an  independent  on 
his  beating  yon  feller  bad." 

Lever  now  began,  with  a  smile  on  his  ugly  counte 
nance,  and — to  my  mortification — went  through  every 
movement  of  mine  with  more  ease  ;  and  in  "  casting 

7  O 

off'"  he  even  introduced  a  new  step,  which  would  be 
as  difficult  to  describe  as  to  perform.  He  called  it  the 
windin  blades. 

"Never  care,  Col.,"  said  my  partner;  "after  this 
reel,  we  will  risk  a  waltz  together :  and  my  word  for  it, 
you  will  yet  win." 

The  truth  is,  I  did  feel  miserable,  and  was  impatient 
to  get  through. — Immediately,  therefore,  after  the  others 
had  taken  their  seats,  I  asked  Long  Ben  to  play  a 
waltz.  By  a  lucky  chance  he  once  had  learned  one : 
and,  as  he  drew  his  bow,  I  started  off  with  my  partner. 
Round  and  around  we  went,  to  the  astonishment  of  all, 
they  never  having  witnessed  any  thing  of  the  kind. 
Miss  Patsey  was  a  fine  mover,  and  really  one  of  the 
most  graceful  waltzers  I  have  ever  seen.  As  for  my 
self,  I  was  delighted  with  the  ease  and  action  I  displayed 
on  that  occasion. 

"  Do  not  let  it  become  too  common,"  whispered  my 
fair  one.     I  conducted  her  to  a  chair,  now  perfectly  sa 
tisfied  with  my  success. 
' 


180  A    DAY    AT    SOL.    SLICE'S. 

"Dem  is  de  best  dat  ever  happunt  in  dis  beat,"  said 
Long  Ben. 

"  Kunnel,  you've  won,"  said  Lever,  with  a  hang 
dog  expression  of  countenance  ;  "  but  I'm  one  what 
never  yit  did  give  up  in  a  dance,  of  any  kind  :  so,  if  I 
kin  git  a  gal,  I'll  try  that  lick." 

After  some  persuasion  he  "  got  a  gal,"  and,  calling 
on  old  Ben  to  "  scrape,  them  cat  entrails,"  made  an  at 
tempt,  but  found  they  could  not  get  off.  It  was  some 
thing  like  two  unbroken  colts  when  first  put  in  harness ; 
they  could  not  start  together.  At  last  Bill  bellowed 
ou< — cc  Here's  what  never  baulks,"  and  began  to  turn, 
pulling  her  after  him.  About  the  third  evolution  of  this 
kind,  the  gal's  feet  parted  company  with  the  floor,  and 
lifted  themselves  upon  a  level  with  her  head.  I  only 
saw  a  red  petticoat,  and — being  a  modest  man — turned 
my  back  upon  this  "  pair  of  revolvers."  I  could  not, 
however,  stop  my  ears  from  the  remarks  of  the  old 
woman. 

"  Oh,  my  Lord !"  shrieked  old  Mrs.  Spraggs,  "  that's 
too  bad,  to  have  a  feller-creatur's  legs  a  flyin'  in  that 
stile." 

"  Yes,"  was  the  observation  of  that  spiteful  old 
maid,  Miss  Jemima  Clipps,  "  purticularly  ef  the  feller- 
creetur's  legs  happun  to  be  crooked.  I  would  advise 
all  you  young  gals  to  look  at  yer  legs  before  you  un 
dertake  anything  you  ain't  used  to.  Crooked  legs  is 
mity  bad  in  them  turnin'  dances." 

I  knew,  from  the  noise  behind  me,  that  Bill  was 
"  keeping  even  along  ;"  when  suddenly  the  noise  was 
increased  a  thousand-fold ;  and  on  old  Mrs.  Spraggs 
exclaiming  "thar,"  I  turned  in  time  to  see  Lever 


A    DAY    AT    SOL.    SLICE'S.  181 

stretched  on  the  floor,  and  his  gal  just  "  settling  upon 
him."  Old  Mrs.  Spraggs, — kind-hearted  old  soul — ran 
to  her  assistance,  and  while  picking  her  up  whispered,  as 
all  old  ladies  do,  so  as  to  be  heard  by  all — "  Git  up, 
Sail,  all  these  fellers  couldn't  a  seed  more  ef  you  was 
married  to  'em  all."  The  "  gall "  arose  to  her  feet, 
dealing  blows,  right  and  left,  upon  poor  Bill — "  Take 
that,  and  that,  for  histin'  me  up  before  all  these  people, 
you  onmannerly,  ugly  piece  of  deformity." 

"  I  beg  pardon,  Sail,"  pleaded  Lever,  "  I  couldn't 
help  it — I  wouldn't  a  done  it  ef  I  had  knowed  !  you 
knows  I  was  on  this  eend  of  you  and  couldn't  see 
nuthin'." 

The  Amazon  became  doubly  enraged  at  this,  and 
raising  a  chair,  she  threw  it  at  Lever  with  such  force, 
that,  had  it  done  its  errand,  would  have  given  him  his 
quietus.  He  adroitly  avoided  it,  however,  and  escaped 
through  the  door.  She  seemed  perfectly  satisfied  with 
this  manly  effort  at  redress ;  and  in  a  short  time  looked 
as  if  nothing  had  happened  to  disturb  her  peace  of 
mind. 

Going  into  an  adjoining  room,  I  found  Tim  Daly 
playing  "  old  Sledge  "  with  Cowcumber — five  cents  a 
game.  Fortune  seemed  to  have  favoured  the  sand-lap- 
per,  if  one  might  judge  from  the  number  of  pieces  at 
his  elbow.  I  stayed  to  watch  the  game.  After  a  few 
deals  the  luck  turned.  Cowcumber  lost  two  or  three 
games,  when,  suddenly  pressing  both  his  hands  upon 
his  stomach,  he  emitted  some  of  the  most  piteous  groans 
that  ever  came  from  the  breast  of  man. 

"  Aha,  old  feller,  you  want  to  come  that  same  old 
game  on  me,  do  you  ?" 
M 


182  A.   DAY    AT    SOL.    SLICE'S. 

f<  Oh,  but,  Tim,  do  let  me  go,  now,  I'll  be  back  di 
rectly.  I  tuckt  some  ile  this  mornin',  and  that  must  be 
attended  to." 

"  No,  I  tell  you,  sir,  ile  or  no  ile,  I  don't  kere  what 
you  do  with  yourself — thar  you  sets  twell  /  say  you  kin 
git  up  ;  and  I  needn't  be  so  purticular  in  my  observa 
tions  to  you  as  to  say,  that  won't  be  ontwell  all  that 
pile  comes  back  inter  my  hands.  You've  tricked  me 
before,  and  as  I  know  yer  derned  herrin'  belly  don't 
trouble  you  when  you  are  winnin',  I'm  determined  it 
shan't  pester  you  when  yer  loosing." 

Tim  made  good  his  word  ;  in  half  an  hour  he  had 
won  it  all,  and  that  without  an  accident. 

Thus  the  day  was  passed,  in  dancing,  drinking,  card- 
playing,  and  fighting.  One  "  engagement "  may  be 
mentioned.  It  was  not  fought  on  that  day,  however, 
but  spoken  of  by  "  our  beef-man." 

About  twelve  o'clock  that  night,  he,  together  with 
two  or  three  others,  might  have  been  seen  seated  on  the 
staircase.  Cowcumber  was  among  their  number. 
They  seemed  to  have  had  a  "  war  talk." 

"  Talking  about  fightin',"  says  Beef,  "  aminds  me 
of  a  engagement  what  tuck  place  at  ween  Joe  Hum 
phries  and  Sam  Higgins  once.  I  ain't  a  goying  to  tell 
you  'nother  quarrel — that  would  take  too  long  a  time  : 
they  was  at  it  two  years  thersefls.  Findally,  howsome- 
dever,  they  yoked  at  Spartinbug  Court  House.  Now, 
you  what  hain't  the  faintest  idear  of  what  fightin'  is, 
won't  b'lieve  what  I'm  bout  to  norate.  But,  as  I  was 
a  sayin',  they  yoked,  and  they  fit,  and  they  fit,  and  I  do 
reckin,  in  all  their  backin's  and  forrerdin's  they  kivered 
nigh  two  acres  of  ground.  Hit  was  floatin'  in  blood  ! 


A   DAY   AT   SOL.    SLICE'S.  183 

You  might  a  githered  a  half  a  gallon  of  years,  and 
thumbs,  and  fingers,  and  noses !  They  would  bite 
pieces  outen  one  another  and  spit  'em  out  agin,  and 
take  a  fresh  holt,  and  when  they  let  that  go  the  piece 
would  be  in  ther  mouth.  They  had  been  film'  one 
solid  hour,  when  I  got  sick  and  quit  the  field." 

"  Which  whoopt,"  inquired  Cowcumber. 

"  I  don't  know,  I  left  'em  fightin' !  the  last  I  beared 
from  thar  they  was  fightin',  and  I  do  reckin  ther  at  it 
yet — its  a  vinemous  fite." 

"  Who  is  he,"  I  asked  of  Lever. 

"Why,  that's  Jack  Woodri/^— - he's  the  derndest, 
biggest,  onremittentest  liar  from  Charleston  to  the 
mountings !' 


CUPPING  ON  THE  STERNUM. 

BY    H.  C.  L,.,  OF   MISSISSIPPI. 

A  new-fledged  disciple  of  ^Esculapius  is  the  writer  of  the  fol 
lowing  sketch,  in  which  is  displayed,  in  bold  relief,  one  of 
"  the  ills  which  flesh  is  heir  to,"  when  subjected  to  the  tender 
mercies  of  inexperienced  medical  practitioners.  As  H.  C.  L., 
like  "  The  Razor-Strop-Man,"  has  "  a  few  more  left,  of  the 
same  sort,"  we  trust  when  he  reads  this  paragraph  he  will 
forthwith  set  to  work  and  give  us  some  more  extracts  from 
"The  Diary  of  a  Young  Physician." 

I  HAD  been  a  student  of  medicine  about  three  weeks, 
and  had  got  as  far  as  cupping,  cathartics,  and  castor  oil, 
in  the  noble  science  of  physic,  when,  as  I  was  sitting  in 
the  office,  investigating  by  induction  the  medicinal  pro 
perties  of  a  jar  of  tamarinds,  I  received  a  note  from  my 
preceptor  which  ran  thus : — 

"  Mr.  L. — You  will  please  take  the  large  cups  and 
scarificator,  together  with  a  large  blister,  up  to  Mr.  J.. 
and  cup  his  negro  girl  Chancy  very  freely  over  the 
sternum  ;  after  you  have  cupped  her,  apply  the  blister 
over  the  same,  as  she  has  inflammation  of  the  lungs." 

In  anatomy,  the  sternum  is  that  portion  of  the  osseous 

system   known    in   common   parlance   as  the   "  breast 

bone,"  but  at  that  time  I  was  ignorant  of  the  fact.     I 

had  not  studied  anatomy,  and  in  my  ignorance  and  sim- 

184 


CUPPING    ON    THE    STERNUM.  185 

plicity  of  heart,  imagined  that  the  doctor  wanted  her  to 
be  cupped  and  blistered  "  a  posteriori,"  or  in  other 
words,  over  the  "  seat,"  and  that  he  had  put  the  "um" 
to  the  "  stern"  in  the  note,  merely  for  sport,  or,  it  might 
have  been  the  Latin  termination  of  the  word  "  stern." 
Filled  with  a  sense  of  the  delicacy  and  momentous 
import  of  my  duty,  I  provided  myself  with  the  neces 
saries,  and  proceeded  to  cup  Chaney  on  the  sternum. 

By  way  of  parenthesis,  let  me  create  an  idea  of  my 
patient,  so  that  you  may  appreciate  the  field  of  my 
operation. 

Just  imagine  a  butcher's  block  five  feet  long  and  four 
feet  through  at  the  butt,  converted  into  a  fat  bouncing 
negro  wench,  with  smaller  blocks  appended  for  limbs, 
and  you  will  have  a  faint  conception  of  the  figure  and 
proportions  of  the  delectable  portion  of  humanity  upon 
whom  my  curative  capabilities  were  to  be  exhibited. 

"  How  are  you  to-day,  Chaney  ?"  said  I,  as  entering 
the  cabin  of  my  patient,  I  stood  before  her. 

"  Oh,  massa  young  doctor,"  said  she,  "  I  does  feel 
'mazing  bad — the  mis'ry  in  my  bosom  almost  broke 
my  heart ;  I  can  scasely  perspere,"  (re-spire,  I  suppose 
she  meant,  as,  judging  from  the  big  drops  which,  like 
ebony  beads,  chased  each  other  down  her  gleaming 
neck,  I  thought  that  she  perspired  beautifully.) 

"  I  am  very  sorry  to  hear  it,  Chaney ;  the  doctor  has 
sent  me  up  here  to  cup  and  blister  you,  and  I  hope  it 
will  relieve  you  entirely." 

"  Well,  the  Lord's  will  and  the  doctor's  be  done ; 
this  anguished  sister  be's  ready" — and  she  proceeded 
to  divest  her  bosom  of  its  concealments,  thinking  that 
she  had  to  be  cupped  over  the  seat  of  the  pain ;  but  it 


186  CUPPING   ON   THE    STERNUM. 

•was  a  different  seat  than  that,  which  my  cups  were  des 
tined  to  exhaust  the  atmosphere  from. 

"  Stop,  Chaney,  I  was  not  told  to  cup  you  on  the 
breast,  but  on  the  sternum,  so  you'll  have  to  turn  over!" 

"  What!"  shrieked  she,  rising  straight  up  in  the  bed, 
a  great  deal  whiter  in  the  face  than  she  had  been  for 
many  a  day;  "you  cup  me  on  de  starn!  Massa 
young  doctor,  tell  me,  for  de  lub  of  prostituted  'manity, 
is  you  in  airnest?  Oh  no,  certainly,  you  is  just  joking 
— just  making  'musement  of  de  'stresses  of  dis  female !" 

"  No,  Chaney,  there  is  no  mistake.  The  doctor  says 
you  must  be  cupped  there,  and  it  must  and  shall  be 
done,  so  get  ready." 

"  Oh,  massa  doctor,  you  must  be  mistaken — you  must 
indeed!  De  pain  no  dere,  but  in  my  breast!  How 
cupping  dere  goin'  cure  pain  in  de  breast,  eh?  Tell 
me  dat!" 

"  Well,  Chaney,  I  don't  know  that  I  can  do  that, 
exactly,  but  I  suppose  it  will  be  by  sympathy.  You 
know  the  stern  and  the  bosom  are  not  many  feet  apart. 
Any  how,  I  am  going  to  cup  you  there,  if  I  have  to  call 
in  help,  so  you  had  better  consent." 

Chaney,  seeing  that  there  was  no  retreat,  agreed  at 
last  to  the  operation.  Click!  click!  went  the  scarifica- 
tor,  and  amidst  the  shouts  of  the  patient  and  my  awful 
solicitude  for  fear  I  might  cut  an  artery,  the  "  deed  was 
did."  But  no  blood  flowed,  nothing  but  grease,  which 
trickled  out  slowly  like  molasses  out  of  a  worm  hole. 
I  saw  that  the  cups  were  too  in/atfuated  to  draw  blood 
from  that  quarter,  so  I  removed  them  and  applied  the 
blister,  and  I  expect  fly-ointment  was  in  demand  about 
that  time. 


•What!"  shrieked  she  rising  straight  up  in  the  bed,  a  great  deal  whiter  in 

the  face  than  she  had  been  for  many  a  day  ;     "You  cup  me 

on  the  starn  !" — Page  186. 


CUPPING    ON    THE    STERNUM.  187 

When  the  doctor  returned,  after  an  absence  of  seve 
ral  hours,  he  found  the  patient  entirely  relieved,  and  a 
blister  drawn  with  about  a  tubful  of  water  in  its  interior. 
I  reckon  she  used  chairs  mighty  little  for  a  few  weeks, 
and  she  hated  the  idea  of  the  operation  so  bad  that  she 
burnt  up  a  bran  new  dress  just  because  it  was  ftumbazine, 
and  reminded  her,  by  the  first  syllable,  of  the  seat  of 
"  Cupping  on  the  Sternum." 


A  BEAR  STORY. 

BY  THE  LATE  WM.  P.  HAWES,  ESQ.,  .OF  NEW  YORK. 

We  have  in  a  previous  page  alluded  to  the  popularity  of  the 
author  of  the  following  s^ry,  as  a  humorous  prose  writer. 
Any  article  over  the  signature  of  "  J.  Cypress,  jr.,"  was  re 
garded  with  as  much  interest  as  that  of  "  Boz."  The  follow 
ing  sketch  gives  a  good  idea  of  his  peculiar  style.  We  must 
premise  that  the  scene  of  the  story  annexed  was  a  fishing-hut 
on  Fire  Island,  (a  few  miles  from  Long  Island,)  where  a  select 
sporting  party  were  spending  the  night.  The  conversation 
which  introduces  Venus  Raynor's  story  of  the  bear,  refers  to  the 
"  Shark  Story,"  published  in  previous  pages  of  this  volume. 

"  WHAT  an  infernal  lie  !"  growled  Daniel. 

"  Have  my  doubts  ;"  suggested  the  somnolent  Peter 
Probasco,  with  all  the  solemnity  of  a  man  who  knows 
his  situation  ;  at  the  same  time  shaking  his  head  and 
spilling  his  liquor. 

"  Ha !  ha !  ha !  Ha !  ha !  ha !"  roared  all  the  rest  of 
the  boys  together. 

"  Is  he  done  ?"  asked  Raynor  Rock. 

"  How  many  shirks  was  there  ?"  cried  long  John, 
putting  in  his  unusual  lingual  oar. 

"  That  story  puts  me  in  mind,"  said  Venus  Raynor, 
"  about  what  I've  heerd  tell  on  Ebenezer  Smith,  at  the 

188 


A    BEAR    STORY.  189 

time  he  went  down  to  the  North  Pole  on  a  walen' 
voyage." 

"  Now  look  out  for  a  screamer,"  laughed  out  Raynor 
Rock,  refilling  his  pipe.  "  Stand  by,  Mr.  Cypress,  to 
let  the  sheet  go." 

"Is  there  any  thing  uncommon  about  that  yarn, 
Venus?" 

"  Oncommon!  well,  I  expect  it's  putty  smart  and 
oncommon  for  a  man  to  go  to  sea  with  a  bear,  all  alone, 
on  a  bare  cake  of  ice.  Captain  Smith's  woman  used 
to  say  she  couldn't  bear  to  think  on't." 

"Tell  us  the  whole  of  that,  Venus,"  said  Ned, — 
"  that  is,  if  it  is  true.  Mine  was — the  whole  of  it, — 
although  Peter  has  his  doubts." 

"  I  can't  tell  it  as  well  as  Zoph  can ;  but  I've  no 
'jections  to  tell  it  my  way,  no  how.  So,  here  goes — 
that's  great  brandy,  Mr.  Cypress."  There  was  a  gur 
gling  sound  of  "  something-to-take,"  running. 

"  Well,  they  was  down  into  Baffin's  Bay,  or  some 
other  o'  them  cold  Norwegen  bays  at  the  north,  where 
the  rain  freezes  as  it  comes  down,  and  stands  up  in  the 
air,  on  winter  mornens,  like  great  mountens  o'  ice,  all 
in  streaks.  Well,  the  schooner  was  layen  at  anchor, 
and  all  the  hands  was  out  into  the  small  boats,  looken 
for  wales, — all  except  the  capting,  wrho  said  he  wa'n't 
very  well  that  day.  Well,  he  was  walken  up  and  down, 
on  deck,  smoken  and  thinking,  I  expect,  mostly,  when 
all  of  a  sudden  he  reckoned  he  see  one  o'  them  big 
white  bears — polar  bears,  you  know — big  as  thunder — 
with  long  teeth.  He  reckoned  he  see  one  on  'ein 
sclumpen  along  on  a  great  cake  o'  ice,  that  lay  on  the 


190  A    BEAR    STORY. 

leeward  side  of  the  bay,  up  agin  the  bank.  The  old 
capting  wanted  to  kill  one  o'  them  varments  most  won 
derful,  but  he  never  lucked  to  get  a  chance.  Now 
tho',  he  thought,  the  time  had  come  for  him  to  walk 
into  one  on  'em  at  laast,  and  fix  his  mutton  for  him  right. 
So  he  run  forrad  and  lay  hold  onto  a  small  skiff,  that 
was  layen  near  the  forc'stal,  and  run  her  out  and 
launched  her.  Then  he  tuk  a  drink,  and — here's  luck — 
and  put  in  a  stiff  load  of  powder,  a  couple  of  balls, 
and  jumped  in,  and  pulled  away  for  the  ice. 

"  It  wa'n't  long  'fore  he  got  'cross  the  bay,  for  it  was 
a  narrer  piece  o'  water — not  more  than  haaf  a  mile 
wide — and  then  he  got  out  on  to  the  ice.  It  was  a 
smart  and  large  cake,  and  the  bear  was  'way  down  to 
the  tother  end  on  it,  by  the  edge  o'  the  water.  So,  he 
walked  fust  strut  along-,  and  then  when  he  got  putty 
cloast  he  walked  'round  catecorned-like — likes's  if  he 
was  drivin  for  a  plain  plover — so  that  the  bear  would'nt 
think  he  was  comen  arter  him,  and  he  dragged  himself 
along  on  his  hands  and  knees,  low  down,  mostly.  Well, 
the  bear  didn't  seem  to  mind  him  none,  and  he  got  up 
within  'bout  fifty  yards  on  him,  and  then  he  looked  so 
savage  and  big — the  bear  did — that  the  captain  stopped 
and  rested  on  his  knees,  and  put  up  his  gun,  and  he 
was  agoin  to  shoot.  But  just  then  the  bear  turned  round 
and  snuffed  up  the  captin — just  as  one  of  Lif's  hounds 
snuffs  up  an  old  buck,  Mr.  Cypress, — and  begun  to 
walk  towards  him,  slowly  like.  He  come  along,  the 
captin  said,  clump,  clump,  very  slow,  and  made  the  ice 
bend  and  crack  again  under  him,  so  that  the  water  come 
up  and  putty  much  kivered  it  all  over.  Well,  there 


A    BEAR    STORY.  191 

the  captin  was  all  the  time  squat  on  his  knees,  with  his 
gun  pinted,  waiten  for  the  varment  to  come  up,  and  his 
knees  and  legs  was  mighty  cold  by  means  of  the  water 
that  the  bear  riz  on  the  ice  as  I  was  mentionen.  At 
last  the  bear  seemed  to  make  up  his  mind  to  see  how 
the  captin  would  taste,  and  so  he  left  off  walkin  slow, 
and  started  off  on  a  smart  and  swift  trot,  right  towards 
the  old  man,  with  his  mouth  wide  open,  roaren,  and  his 
tail  sticken  out  stiff.  The  captain  kept  still,  looken  out 
all  the  time  putty  sharp,  I  should  say,  till  the  beast  got 
within  about  ten  yards  on  him,  and  then  he  let  him 
have  it.  He  aimed  right  at  the  fleshy  part  of  his  heart, 
but  the  bear  dodged  at  the  flash,  and  rared  up,  and  the 
balls  went  into  his  two  hind  legs,  just  by  the  jynt,  one 
into  each,  and  broke  the  thigh  bones  smack  off,  so  that 
he  went  right  down  aft,  on  the  ice,  thump,  on  his  hind 
quarters,  with  nothen  standen  but  his  fore  legs,  and  his 
head  riz  up,  a  growlen  at  the  captin.  When  the  old 
man  see  him  down,  and  tryen  to  slide  along  the  ice  to 
get  his  revenge,  likely,  thinks  he  to  himself,  thinks  he,  I 
might  as  well  get  up  and  go  and  cut  that  ere  creter's 
throat.  So  he  tuk  out  his  knife  and  opened  it.  But 
when  he  started  to  get  up,  he  found,  to  his  astonish 
ment,  that  he  was  fruz  fast  to  the  ice.  Don't  laugh : 

7  O 

it's  a  fact ;  there  an't  no  doubt.  The  water,  you  see, 
had  been  round  him  a  smart  and  long  while,  whilst  he 
was  waiten  for  the  bear,  and  it's  wonderful  cold  in  them 
regions,  as  I  was  say  en,  and  you'll  freeze  in  a  minit  if 
you  don't  keep  moven  about  smartly.  So  the  captin  he 
strained  first  one  leg,  and  then  he  strained  tother,  but 
he  couldn't  move  'em  none.  They  was  both  fruz  fast 


192  A    BEAR    STORY. 

into  the  ice,  about  an  inch  and  a  half  deep,  from  knee 
to  toe,  tight  as  a  Jersey  oyster  perryauger  on  a  mud 
flat  at  low  water.  So  he  laid  down  his  gun,  and  looked 
at  the  bear,  and  doubled  up  his  fists.  '  Come  on,  you 
bloody  varmint,'  says  the  old  man,  as  the  bear  swalloped 
along  on  his  hinder  eend,  comen  at  him.  He  kept 
getten  weaker,  tho',  and  comen  slower  and  slower  all 
the  time,  so  that  at  last,  he  didn't  seem  to  move  none  ; 
and  directly,  when  he'd  got  so  near  that  the  captin 
could  jist  give  him  a  dig  in  the  nose  by  reachen  forrard 
putty  smart  and  far,  the  captin  see  that  the  beast  was 
fruz  fast  too,  nor  he  coudn't  move  a  step  further  forrard 
no  ways.  Then  the  captin  burst  out  a  laughen,  and 
clapped  his  hands  down  on  to  his  thighs,  and  roared. 
The  bear  seemed  to  be  most  onmighty  mad  at  the  old 
man's  fun,  and  set  up  such  a  growlen  that  what  should 
come  to  pass,  but  the  ice  cracks  and  breaks  all  around 
the  captin  and  the  bear,  down  to  the  water's  edge,  and 
the  wind  jist  then  a  shiften,  and  comen  off  shore,  away 
they  floated  on  a  cake  of  ice  about  ten  by  six,  off  to 
sea,  without  the  darned  a  bisect  or  a  quart  o'  liquor  to 
stand  'em  on  the  cruise  !  There  they  sot,  the  bear  and 
the  captin,  just  so  near  that  when  they  both  reached 
forrads,  they  could  jist  about  touch  noses,  and  nother 
one  not  able  to  move  any  part  on  him,  only  excepten 
his  upper  part  and  fore  paws." 

"  By  jolly !  that  was  rather  a  critical  predicament, 
Venus,"  cried  Ned,  buttoning  his  coat.  "  I  should  have 
thought  that  the  captain's  nose  and  ears  and  hands 
would  have  been  frozen  too." 

"  That's  quite  naytr'l  to  suppose,  sir,  but  you  see  the 


A    BEAR   STORY.  193 

bear  kept  him  warm  in  the  upper  parts,  by  being  so 
cloast  to  him,  and  breathen  hard  and  hot  on  the  old 
man  whenever  he  growled  at  him.  Them  polar  bears 
is  wonderful  hardy  animals,  and  has  a  monstrous  deal 
o'  heat  into  'em,  by  means  of  their  bein  able  to  stand 
such  cold  climates,  I  expect.  And  so  the  captin  knowed 
this,  and  whenever  he  felt  chilly,  he  just  tuk  his  ramrod 
and  stirred  up  the  old  rascal,  and  made  him  roar  and 
squeal,  and  then  the  hot  breath  would  come  pouren  out 
all  over  the  captin,  and  made  the  air  quite  moderat  and 
pleasant." 

"Well,  go  on,  Venus.     Take  another  horn  first." 

"  Well,  there  a'nt  much  more  on't.     Off  they  went 

to  sea,  and  sometimes  the  wind  druv  Jem  nothe,  and 

then  agin  it  druv  'em  southe,  but  they   went  southe 

mostly ;  and  so  it  went  on  until  they  were  out  about 

three  weeks.     So  at  last,  one  afternoon" 

"  But,  Venus,  stop  :  tell  us,  in  the  name  of  wonder, 
how  did  the  captain  contrive  to  support  life  all  this 
time  ?" 

"  WTiy,  sir,  to  be  sure,  it  was  a  hard  kind  o'  life  to 

support,  but  a  hardy  man  will  get  used  to  almost" 

"  No,  no  :  what  did  he  eat  ?  what  did  he  feed  on  ?" 
"  0—0— I'd  liked  to've  skipped  that  ere.  Why, 
sir,  I've  heerd  different  accounts  as  to  that.  Uncle  Obe 
Verity  told  me  he  reckoned  the  captin  cut  off  one  of 
the  bear's  paws,  when  he  lay  stretched  out  asleep,  one 
day,  with  his  jack-knife,  and  sucked  that  for  fodder, 
and  they  say  there's  a  smart  deal  o'  nourishment  in  a 
white  bear's  foot.  But  if  I  may  be  allowed  to  spend 
my  'pinion,  I  should  say  my  old  man's  account  is  the 


A    BEAR    STOKJf. 


lightest,  and  that's — what's  as  follows.  You  see  after 
they'd  been  out  three  days  abouts,  they  begun  to  grow 
kind  o'  hungry,  and  then  they  got  friendly,  for  misery 
loves  company,  you  know  ;  and  the  captin  said  the 
bear  looked  at  him  several  times,  very  sorrowful,  as 
much  as  to  say,  '  Captin,  what  the  devil  shall  we  do  ?' 
Well,  one  day  they  was  sitten  looken  at  each  other,  with 
the  tears  ready  to  burst  out  o'  their  eyes,  when  all  of  a 
hurry,  somethin  come  floppen  up  out  o'  the  water  onto 
the  ice.  The  captin  looked  and  see  it  was  a  seal.  The 
bear's  eyes  kindled  up  as  he  looked  at  it,  and  then,  the 
captin  said,  he  giv  him  a  wink  to  keep  still.  So  there 
they  sot,  still  as  starch,  till  the  seal  not  thinken  nothin 
o'  them  no  more  nor  if  they  was  dead,  walked  right  up 
between  'em.  Then  slump !  went  down  old  whitey's 
nails  into  the  fish's  flesh,  and  the  captin  run  his  jack- 
knife  into  the  tender  loin.  The  seal  soon  got  his  bitters, 
and  the  captin  cut  a  big  hunk  off  the  tail  eend,  and  put 
it  behind  him,  out  o'  the  bear's  reach,  and  then  he  felt 
smart  and  comfortable,  for  he  had  stores  enough  for  a 
long  cruise,  though  the  bear  couldn't  say  so  much  for 
himself. 

"  Well,  the  bear,  by  course,  soon  run  out  o'  provi 
sions,  and  had  to  put  himself  onto  short  allowance  ;  and 
then  he  begun  to  show  his  natural  temper.  He  first 
stretched  himself  out  as  far  as  he  could  go,  and  tried  to 
hook  the  captin's  piece  o'  seal,  but  when  he  found  he 
couldn't  reach  that,  he  begun  to  blow  and  yell.  Then 
he'd  rare  up  and  roar,  and  try  to  get  himself  clear  from 
the  ice.  But  mostly  he  rared  up  and  roared,  and 
pounded  his  big  paws  and  head  upon  the  ice,  till  by- 


A    BEAR    STORY.  195 

aixtl-by  (jist  as  the  captin  said  he  expected)  the  ice 
cracked  in  two  agin,  and  split  right  through  between 
the  bear  and  the  captin  and  there  they  was  on  two 
different  pieces  o'  ice,  the  captin  and  the  bear !  The 
old  man  said  he  raaly  felt  sorry  at  parten  company,  and 
when  the  cake  split  and  separate,  he  cut  off  about  a 
haaf  o'  pound  o'  seal  and  chucked  it  to  the  bear.  But 
either  because  it  wan't  enough  for  him,  or  else  on  ac 
count  o'  his  feelen  bad  at  the  captin's  goen,  the  beast 
wouldn't  touch  it  to  eat  it,  and  he  laid  it  down,  and 
growled  and  moaned  over  it  quite  pitiful.  Well,  off 
they  went,  one  one  way,  and  t'other  'nother  way,  both 
feel'n  pretty  bad,  I  expect.  After  a  while  the  captin 
got  smart  and  cold,  and  felt  mighty  lonesome,  and  he 
said  he  raaly  thought  he'd  a  gi'n  in  and  died,  if  they 
hadn't  pick'd  him  up  that  arternoon." 

u  Who  picked  him  up,  Venus?" 

"Who?  a  codfish  craft  off  o'  Newfoundland,  I 
expect.  They  didn't  know  what  to  make  o'  him  when 
they  first  see  him  slingen  up  his  hat  for  'em.  But  they 
got  out  all  their  boats,  and  took  a  small  swivel  and  a 
couple  o'  muskets  aboard,  and  started  off — expecten  it. 
was  the  sea-sarpent,  or  an  old  maremaid.  They  woudn't 
believe  it  was  a  man,  until  he'd  told  'em  all  about  it, 
and  then  they  didn't  hardly  believe  it  nuther ;  and  they 
cut  him  out  o'  the  ice  and  tuk  him  aboard  their  vessel, 
and  rubbed  his  legs  with  ile  o'  vitrol ;  but  it  was  a  lon^ 

o  '  Q 

time  afore  they  come  to." 

"  Didn't  they  hurt  him  badly  in  cutting  him  out, 
Venus  ?" 

"No,  sir,  I  believe  not;  not  so  bad  as  one  inigh 


A    BEAK    S10KV. 

s'pose :  for  you  see  he'd  been  stuck  in  so  long,  that  the 
circulaten  on  his  blood  had  kind  o'  rotted  the  ice  that 
was  right  next  to  him,  and  when  they  begun  to  cut,  it 
crack'd  off  putty  smart  and  easy,  and  he  come  out 
whole  like  a  hard  biled  egg." 

"  What  became  of  the  bear?" 

"  Can't  say  as  to  that,  what  became  o'  him.  He  went 
off  to  sea  somewheres,  I  expect.  I  should  like  to  know, 
myself,  how  the  varment  got  along  right  well,  for  it  was 
kind  in  him  to  let  the  captin  have  the  biggest  haaf  o' 
the  seal,  any  how.  That's  all,  boys.  How  many's 
asleep  ?" 


PLAYING  "  POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS, 

In  which  it  shown,  that  if  walls  have  ears,  they  may  have  voices. 
BY  A  RESIDENT  OF  THAT  "  NECK  OF  TIMBER." 

The  Arkansas  "  Intelligencer,"  published  at  Van  Buren,  is  not 
only  extremely  well  edited,  but  it  numbers  among  its  corre 
spondents  some  of  the  cleverest  men  west  of  the  Mississippi. 
The  gentlemen  alluded  to  are  occasional  contributors  to  the 
"  Spirit  of  the  Times,"  which  boasts  of  "  a  baker's  dozen" 
of  them,  including  "  N.  of  Arkansas,"  an  Ex-Governor, 
Albert  Pike,  the  famous  "  Col.  Pete  Whitstone  of  the  Devil's 
Fork  of  the  Little  Red,"  and  other  celebrities  in  the  literary 
and  sporting  world. 

ANY  one  who  may  have  had  the  good  fortune  to  have 
laid  eyes  on  the  "  Chart  of  this  Neck  of  Timber,"  drawn 
from  actual  surveys,  and  presented,  in  conformity  with 
a  resolution  of  the  Kraked  Klub  of  Fort  Gibson,  to 
u  Old  Festivity,  president  of  the  Mystic  Club  of  Van 
Buren," — we  say  good  fortune  to  have  laid  eyes  on  one 
of  those  charts,  for  there  is  very  few  in  existence,  and 
those  zealously  preserved  by  the  lucky  possessors  there 
of,  must  have  noticed  the  locality  of  the  "  Prairie  Store," 
situated  on  a  commanding  eminence  about  one  mile  east 
of  south  from  the  fort.  To  that  spot  we  wish  to  direct 
the  attention  of  the  reader. 

The  "  Prairie  Store,"  owned  by  Mr. ,  has  been 

long  occupied  by  the  owner  as  a  mercantile  establish 
ment.  The  building  itself  is  of  considerable  dimensions, 
N  m 


198  PLAYING  "  POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS. 

built  of  logs  neatly  put  together,  pointed  and  white 
washed,  whilst  a  number  of  scattered  out-houses,  such 
as  kitchens,  barns,  stables,  and  the  like,  lend  to  the  tout 
ensemble  quite  a  village-like  appearance.  Among  the 
several  out-houses  connected  with  and  situated  directly 
in  the  rear  of  the  "  Store,"  is  one  used  formerly  ana 
for  a  length  of  time  as  a  bakery.  This  one  had  been 
rented  and  recently  fitted  up  as  a  gambling-house,  by 
an  individual  of  sporting  or  rather  gambling  notoriety, 
generally  known  throughout  the  county  under  the  soubri 
quet  of  Cherokee  Brown. 

The  building  was  composed  of  two  rooms,  one  in 
which  Mr.  B's.  tricks  were  most  imposingly  spread  upon 
a  stationary  table  at  one  end,  with  barely  a  sufficiency 
of  space  between  it  and  the  wall,  for  that  gentleman  to 
sit  whilst  in  the  pursuit  of  his  profession.  The  room 
was  lined  with  clap  boards,  of  which  material  the  entire 
building  was  composed,  with  a  low  incapacious  loft 
overhead,  which  was  the  locale  of  his  sleeping  apart 
ment,  the  entrance  to  which  lay  through  a  square  hole 
in  the  ceiling  of  the  adjoining  room. 

For  the  purpose  intended,  this  spot  was  most  admirably 
chosen ;  for  situated  as  it  is,  very  nearly  in  the  centre 
of  the  neighbourhood,  and  surrounded  as  it  was,  at  in 
considerable  distances,  with  quite  a  number  of  Board 
Taverns  and  Groceries,  the  "  Prairie  Store"  has  become 
the  rendezvous  of  the  denizens  and  sojourners  of  this 
"  Nick  of  Timber." 

We  are  quite  partial  to  the  antique,  and  have  ever 
held  in  high  veneration  the  quaint  old  maxims  which 
have  been  handed  down  to  us  since  the  "  good  old  days 
of  Adam  and  Eve,"  and  there  is  one  among  those  wise 


PLAYING  "POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS.  199 

old  sayings  which  reads,  if  we  do  not  greatly  mistake, 
"  Give  the  devil  his'due,"  the  charity  of  which  we  are 
in  nowise  inclined  to  contest  or  oppose  ;  and  are,  there 
fore,  quite  willing  to  admit  that  much  credit  is  most 
certainly  due  the  dashy  projector  of  the  scheme,  for  the 
tact  he  displayed  both  in  the  choice  of  locality  and  the 
various  tricks  devised  to  avoid  the  prolixity  of  a  well- 
contested  game,  to  enhance  the  chances  in  his  favour, 
and  to  transfer  with  more  ease  and  rapidity  any  moneys 
from  the  pockets  of  his  customers  to  those  of  his  own. 
Among  other  tricks  devised  by  the  gentleman  of  the 
sombre  appellation,  that  of  the  trumpet  deserves,  to  be 
recorded. 

The  mechanism  of  the  trumpet  wTas  such  as  at  once 
to  announce  in  its  originator  no  inconsiderable  know 
ledge  of  the  philosophy  of  sounds.  From  the  loft  over 
the  gambling-room,  and  leading  along  the  floor,  and 
downwards  between  the  weather-boarding  and  ceiling, 
to  a  point  about  four  feet  from  the  ground,  and  directly 
in  rear  of  the  chair  usually  occupied  by  B.,  a  tube  of  an 
inch  diameter  was  arranged.  Several  small  holes  in  the 
ceiling  gave  to  a  person  above  the  opportunity  of  per 
ceiving,  at  a  glance,  the  contents  of  the  hands  of  those 
whose  backs  were  towards  him,  whilst  the  lowest 
whisper  through  the  tube  was  conducted  with  the 
utmost  distinctness  to  the  ear  of  him  who  occupied  the 
chair,  and  yet  could  not  be  heard  one  foot  beyond.  Of 
course  B.  required  an  accomplice  for  the  successful  pro 
secution  of  the  game,  and  with  a  most  efficient  one  was 
he  provided,  who  will  be  introduced  to  the  reader  in  his 
proper  place.  Such  was  the  mechanism  of  the  trumpet, 
the  star  invention  of  the  age.  Every  thing  had  been 


200  PLAYING  <c  POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS. 

most  artfully  prepared,  and  a  game  was  only  wanting  to 
prove  its  efficiency.  Happily  they  had  not  long  to 
await,  but  were  soon  accommodated,  and  in  the  end 
received  more  than  they  had  bargained  for. 

On  a  certain  evening  towards  the  close  of  last  Sep 
tember,  a  large  crowd  of  sporting  characters,  as  was 
usual,  had  gathered  at  the  "  store,"  among  whom  was 
a  sturdy  native  of  the  mountain  districts  of  the  "  Old 
North  State,"  over  six  feet  in  perpendicular  measure 
ment,  and  of  uncommon  bone  and  sinew  ;  he  looked 
any  thing  but  his  name,  which  by  that  singular  license 
of  nomenclature  that  indiscriminately  gives  dark  names 
to  fair  people,  and  mechanical  ones  to  any  thing  but  ar 
tizans,  had  allotted  him  the  buoyant  name  of  Cork.  Faro 
had  been  the  order  of  the  day,  but  on  the  approach  of 
night,  Brown  had  bantered  the  hardy  mountaineer,  who 
was  said  to  be  a  brag  player,  for  a  game  of  poker, 
which  was  instantly  taken  up. 

After  the  usual  supper  hour,  the  two  retired  to  the 
gambling  room,  and  locking  themselves  in,  were  soon 
deep  into  the  mysteries  by  pairs  and  flushes.  The 
game  terminated  at  a  late  hour,  considerably  in  favour 
of  Cork.  The  next  day  the  game  was  continued,  but 
now,  contrary  to  all  precedents,  luck  was  a  dead  letter, 
and  science  yielded  to  art.  Cork  was  beat  from  the 
commencement.  The  strongest  cards  which  fell  to  his 
hand  yielded  but  the  bare  ante,  whilst  no  brag  of  his 
remained  uncoiled  when  his  opponent  was  superior. 
Suspecting  some  trick  was  being  played  upon  him,  he 
racked  his  brains  to  discover  the  secret.  The  cards 
were  minutely  examined,  and  every  motion  of  his  anta 
gonist  narrowly  scrutinized,  but  in  vain  ;  till  at  length 


PLAYING  "POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS.  20] 

making  a  large  brag  on  no  pair,  he  observed  Brown 
lean  back  in  his  chair,  his  head  resting  against  the  wall 
as  though  he  was  deliberating  within  himself  the  policy 
of  calling  and  the  probability  of  winning.  At  that  mo 
ment  a  vague  and  indescribable  thought  flashed  across 
his  mind. 

"  Fifty  dollars  better,  you  say  ?"  observed  Brown. 

"  There's  the  money,  you  can  see  for  yourself." 

"  Well,"  said  Brown,  hesitatingly,  "  I  call." 

'  No  pair,"  said  Cork. 
'  No  pair,"  returned  Brown. 

"  You  beat  me,  I  know." 

"  I've  nothing  but  a  single  king,"  observed  Brown. 

"  That  beats  me,  but  by  G— d  I'll  find  out  this  trick, 
or  die  in  my  tracks!"  vociferated  Cork,  at  the  same 
time  drawing  forth  his  bowie-knife  and  rising  from  his 
chair. 

Satisfied  within  himself  that  he  had  been  tricked,  his 
suspicions  were  directed  over  head.  The  first  room 
was  narrowly  searched,  and  then  the  adjoining  one, 
and  then  his  attention  was  immediately  directed  to  the 
square  aperture  in  the  loft,  which  was  at  the  time 
closed  with  hay,  as  though  that  portion  of  the  building 
was  filled  with  the  particular  commodity.  Unhesitatingly 
he  mounted,  easily  removing  the  little  hay  that  lay  over 
the  hole,  which  was  indeed  only  used  as  a  blind,  and 
ascended  to  the  loft.  Profound  darkness  reigned  there 
above,  and  while  groping  his  way  to  the  opposite  end 
of  the  house,  he  stumbled  against  the  body  of  some 
person,  who,  like  a  sleeping  man  when  disturbed,  turned 
over  on  his  back,  and  went,  accordingly,  through  all  the 
preliminary  steps  of  returning  consciousness. 


202  PLAYING  "  POKER"  IN  ARKANSAS. 

"  Who  in  the  h — 1  are  you,  and  what  are  you  doing 
here  ?" 

"  Why,  it's  me,  Rothrock,  I  was  up  till  day-break, 
and  stole  up  here  to  take  a  nap,"  groaned  that  indivi 
dual,  who  is  too  well  known  throughout  all  this  neck 
of  woods  to  make  a  description  of  him  at  all  needful. 

"  But  what's  the  matter  with  you,  Cork  ?" 

"I've  been  tricked,  and  I  am  right  after  unravel 
ling  it !" 

By  degrees,  his  eyes  becoming  accustomed  to  the 
darkness,  he  perceived  the  tin  tube  which  lay  along  the 
floor,  leading  to  the  wall,  and  downwards.  To  tear 
it  from  the  floor,  and  trace  it  to  its  termination  was  the 
work  of  but  a  few  seconds.  During  this  time,  how 
ever,  Brown  having  an  eye  to  his  own  individual  merit 
and  corporeal  safety,  had  decamped  with  his  money 
and  his  faro  tools,  and  deposited  them  at  the  "store." 
Soon  after,  Cork  sallied  from  the  house,  bearing  in  his 
arms  several  yards  of  tin  pipe,  which  he  amused  him 
self  chopping  up,  to  the  great  edification  of  the  crowd. 
Rothrock,  too,  emerged  from  his  den,  and  arming  him 
self  with  something  similar  to  a  blunderbuss,  had  re- 
lired  to  a  room  adjoining  the  store.  Cork  having  made 
a  finish  of  the  pipe,  and  his  rage  still  unabated,  looked 
around  him  for  something  else  whereon  to  vent  his  fury. 
Recollecting  Rothrock,  and  satisfied  he  was  B.'s  accom 
plice,  he  broke  of  in  pursuit,  and  discovering  that  indi- 
dual,  he  seized  him  by  the  throat  and  dashed  him  to 
the  earth,  and  notwithstanding  the  coward's  reiterated 
prayers  for  mercy,  kicked  and  cuffed  him  to  his  heart's 
content. 

Brown  reappeared  in  the  scene  armed  cap-b-pie,  and 


PLAYING    "  POKER  "    IN    ARKANSAS.  203 

murder  might  have  ensued  had  not  some  person  inter 
posed,  and  proposed  that  each  party  should  abide  the 
decision  of  three  umpires.  The  proposition  was  ac 
ceded  to,  and  three  individuals  selected,  who,  upon 
consultation,  decided  that  the  affair  should  terminate  in 
Brown's  refunding  to  Cork  an  amount  sufficient  to 
place  him  as  he  stood  at  the  beginning  of  the  game. 

Brown,  being  glad  to  get  off  without  bones  being 
broken,  came  to  the  conclusion  that  it  would  be  wise  to 
emigrate,  and  went  off  at  strides  of  about  nine  and  a 
half  feet  to  the  lay  down  and  picked  it  up  like  rats 
righting,  and  has  not  been  heard  of  since. 


THE   END. 


WITH  ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  PARLEY. 

Illuminated  f  ovpr«.  Published  by 

T.  B»  PETERS01V. 


MAJOR  JONES'S   COURTSHIP. 

DRAMA  IN  POKERVILLE. 

CHARCOAL,  SKETCHES. 

MISFORTUNES  OF  PETER  FABER. 

MAJOR  JONES'S  SKETCHES  OF  TRAVEL. 

YANKEE  AMONGST  THE  MERMAIDS. 

STREAKS  OF  SQUATTER  LIFE. 

QUARTER  RACE  IN  KENTUCKY. 

SIMON  SUGGS.         CHARMS  OF  PARtS, 

THE  RIVAL  BELLES. 

YANKEE  YARNS  AND  YANKEE  LETTERS. 

ADVENTURES  OF  COL.VANDERBOMB. 

BIG  BEAR  OF  ARKANSAS. 

ADVENTURES  OF  PERCIVAL  MABERRY. 

THE  QUORNDON  HOUNDS. 

MY  SHOOTING   BOX. 

MAJOR  JONES'S  CHRONICLES  OF  PINEVILLE. 

STRAY  SUBJECTS  ARRESTED  AND  BOUND  OVER. 

DEER  STALKERS. 

ADVENTURES  OF  CAPTAIN  FARRAGO. 

PICKINGS  FROM  THE  PICAYUNE. 

MAJOR  O'RECAN'S  ADVENTURES. 

PETER  PLODDY. 

WIDOW  RUGBY'S  HUSBAND. 

SOL  SMITHS  THEATRICAL  APPRENTICESHIP. 

SOL  SMITH'S  THEATRICAL  JOURNEY  WORK. 

POLLY  PEABLOSSOM'S    WEDDING. 

WARWICK  WOODLANDS. 

LOUISIANA  SWAMP  DOCTOR. 

AUNT  PATTY'S  SCRAP  BAG. 

NEW  ORLEANS  SKETCH  BOOK. 


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